The first day of school is nothing spectacular, I remember thinking as I walked along the path, the soft crunch of leaves beneath my boots. I watched a crowd of girls, much older than me, giggling over clothes and schoolbooks. I hugged my books tighter. The sleeves of my oversize white sweater almost met my fingertips. I liked it that way. It was more comfortable, poetic even.

As I trod on, I passed dozens of other schoolgirls and boys laughing and chatting about their summers, as the wind whipped their hair. More trees, as well, lined the path, their orange leaves aflame with sunlight. There were stragglers, also, like me. Walking behind a group or completely on their own.

I liked to walk on my own. I usually did, unless of course…

I glanced around at the spaces between the trees. Was he hiding there? I shook my head, my greyish-blonde hair tickling my shoulders. Nah, he couldn’t be.

Philip stayed at home. I wasn’t allowed to bring him to school. That had been rule number one ever since Mother found out. (It could be worse. At least, when I get home, Philip and I can roam freely).

I could see the school building now, at the top of the hill, it’s back against the sun. The wind was slapping me in the face as I mounted the hill, joining the throng of students at the gate. By now, the chatter was so loud it sounded like a buzzing cacophony. Finally, the headmistress met us at the gate and called for order. The students quieted down rather quickly, (a few giggles still managing to escape) as we all headed into the building.

A few students were jostling each other behind me. Locker number 31B, I repeated over and over to myself, as I ducked past two boys giving each other high fives. I made my way through the North wing, past shrieking 10th years and swiging ponytails.

I dashed up the stairs and almost tripped over a short girl with long brown hair, who was reading/hugging her best friend.

“Hey!, she exclaimed, upset at having been interrupted.

“Oh sorry”, I told her and kept going.

“How rude.”

I continued on. After heading down a dozen more hallways, (our school is very vast) I finally reached the west wing. I breathed a sigh of relief. This hall was much quieter than the other. As I walked past the lockers lining the wall, I scanned the number plates for 31B.

“27...29...Ah, 31, here we go.”

I had already memorized my combination lock at orientation, so I began turning the knob. When I was done, I tried to open my locker, but it wouldn’t budge. That’s weird. I know I put it in right.

I tried the combination again. Number, turn to the right, number, turn to the left, number, turn to the right, open.

Only it didn’t open. I tried pulling on the handle, but it was stuck. Two girls two lockers down from me began looking in my direction.

I pulled on the latch as hard as I could.

Suddenly, I heard a voice from behind me, catching me off guard.

“Hello, there.”

Just then the latch unclicked, and my locker door hit me in the face. I was so startled that I stumbled backward, landing at the feet of a very surprised-looking boy with brown hair.

“Um, Hello.” I muttered.

Then when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, my textbooks started falling out of my locker one by one, and landed in a pile on the floor.

The two girls I had seen earlier were now giggling into their hands.

Quickly, I got up and brushed the dust off my plaid uniform-skirt.

“Sorry,” I murmured, trying to ignore the blush creeping up my face. I knelt down, trying to scoop up as many textbooks as possible before the bell rang.

“Here, let me help,” the boy said, bending over to reach for the last textbook. I grabbed it before his hand could reach it, though. I stood up abruptly. “I’m fine, thanks.”

He straightened up as well. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but was cut off by the ringing of the school bell.

“BRIIIIING!”

The shrill sound cut through the chatter of the hallway.I cursed silently and began shoving my textbooks into my locker.

“At least let me walk you to class.”

I paused to look at the boy. His hands were shoved in his pockets.

“It’s the least I can do.”

I turned back to my locker. My eyes trained on my textbooks.

“Alright,” I said.

With a quick shove, I pushed my last textbook into my locker. I winced when my locker door closed with a bang.

“So where are we headed?”

The two girls were now walking past us, toward the stairs, along with anyone else who was still in the hallway.

We began walking. When we were halfway down the stairs, I realized I still hadn’t answered his question.

“Oh,” I said, turning to him - his eyes are bright brown, I thought. “English 12B”

“Ah, that’s with Mr. McNeil. I had him last year.”

“Are you much of an English fan?”

He shrugged. “No, not really. Rugby takes up most of my time, anyway.”

“Oh, you’re a rugby player?”

We were nearing the second set of stairs. He paused on the landing.

“Ya. Hey, I’m Jax, by the way.” He held out his hand. I looked at it for a moment, then took it.

“Um, hi, Jax.”

We kept walking.

“So what’s an 11th year like you doing in a hallway full of 10th years?”

“Oh, uh…” I guess I don’t usually tell people, I thought.

“I got special permission from the teachers to have my locker in the west wing.”

“How come?”

We passed fewer and fewer people in the hallways as we went along. I was starting to get nervous.

“I...don’t really like company.”

“So you wanted to be in the west wing so you could be far away from people?”

“Something like that.”

“Geez.”

“What?”

We rounded another corner.

“Nothing just - I mean I don’t like people either, but that feels like a bit much.”

“I can’t explain it. I just...don’t like company.”

“You mean like, what we’re doing right now?”

“That’s different.”

“Oh, really?” An auburn-haired girl with a side ponytail almost barreled into us.

“I just mean to say that this isn’t really...a real conversation.”

“Because…?”

“You’re a rugby player.”

“That’s racist.”

“Anyway, I don’t like general company.”

“Oh, so you like my company?”

“That’s not what I said.”

By now, we were walking down the right hallway. We passed open classroom doors through which I could see professors giving their lectures.

“I’m starting to dislike your company, at any rate.”

At this, he began laughing. I looked at him for a moment, then realized the door behind him was 12B.

I stopped. So did he. But not before turning around to see what I was looking at.

“Ah,” he said. “I guess this is farewell, huh?”

He turned to go. “See you around.”

Say something - what?! Like what?

“Wait!” I exclaimed.

He paused, half-turned.

“I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Margot. Margot Lennington.”
He smiled.”It’s good to meet you, Margot.”

Then he turned around and began walking down the hall. I watched for a moment or two, before slipping into class.

I didn’t see him much after that. I’d see him talking to kids - a group of rugby players or girls with swinging ponytails.

But not up close.

Why was he even in that hallway in the first place?

Our school is pretty big so he could’ve gotten lost, especially on the first days. But still...I thought, looking down at my combination lock.

I put in the combination, then reached for the latch. I paused and turned around, checking to make sure no one was behind me. The hallway was mostly deserted.

That’s why I liked it so much. No chance of embarrassing yourself in front of strangers.

I turned back to my locker and pulled as hard on the latch as I could. The locker door swung open and smacked me in the chin. I stumbled backward but stayed upright.

Is this going to happen every time?

Maybe I would just keep my locker permanently unlocked. I grabbed my math textbook and my binder. I was about to head down the stairs when I noticed a piece of paper fluttering out of my locker and onto the ground.

I knelt down to pick it up.

The only other students in the hallway were now walking past me towards the stairs. I ignored them and picked up the rectangular slip of paper on the floor. I skimmed the lines, catching only a few words. But the last two words caught my eye.

Signed Philip.

How could it be?

I glanced up. The hallway was deserted. I tucked the note into my binder, and began running down the stairs.

Gosh, I’m going to be late again. Over the past month, I’d been coming late to several classes. Being in the west wing, so far from the rest of the school, was starting to have its disadvantages.

The stairs flew past me in a blur. I was going so fast that I didn’t see the two boys at the base of the stairs. Hands in pockets, leaning against the wall.

If I had, maybe I wouldn’t have bumped into them. But I did.

I slammed into the first boy. He looked so startled, as if no one had ever run into him head-first before. His head was so hard. My textbooks and all my notes went flying.

His brother threw up his arms and began yelling something. I crumpled to the floor, holding my head in one hand, letting the other drape to the ground.

Suddenly, a crisp voice cut through the still. “Oy! Don’t you know any better than to careen into people like that?”

I glanced up. It was the second boy who spoke. His brother was still on the ground. He had been knocked backward by the force of the impact.

They both had the same brown hair and nearly the same face.

I nodded. It was hard to think of words.

“Then why did you do it?”

I blinked. My tongue felt too heavy to speak.

His brother was starting to sit up now. They were both seniors. They looked too old to be anything else.

I’d seen them before, as well.

Slowly, my leaden tongue began to move. “I don’t know.” I said.

“Of course not.” he answered, tossing his head.

“Stupid 10th years.”

I didn’t tell him I was in 11th. I didn’t care enough.

I began crawling around, trying to gather up my things. I was almost definitely late by now.

I picked up Philip’s note and clutched it tightly. No matter what, I wasn’t going to drop it again.

I scooped up my textbooks and began heading for the next set of stairs. Just then, one of the boys stepped in front of me, blocking off my path. I almost bumped into him.

“Oy, where do you think you’re going?”

“Uh...to class?”

“Hey Nick?”, the boy shouted at his brother. “Come check out this chick. She thinks she can go off to class without even saying sorry!”

He bent his head low and whispered coldly, “Don’t you think you owe my brother an apology?”

His brother hobbled over to join him. “Ya, b**tch, let me hear your apology.” Standing next to each other, I could see that they were twins. And there was only one pair of twins in senior year.

The Armati twins.

G-d, of all the people I could’ve bumped into -

“Time’s up, little lady.”

Just do it. At this rate you’ll be more late to class.

“Wait! Uh. I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“For..bumping into you,” I said, turning to face the first boy, who was looking at me with contempt.

“And…?”

What more could he want?

“And...I hope you’ll accept my apology?”

The second boy began clicking his tongue and shaking his head. “That’s not gonna cut it, sweetheart.”

HIs brother, Nick, joined in “Yeah. You better give us a genuine apology, if you want to go to class.”

What? This is crazy.

I tried to dodge around them, but Nick leaped out, cutting me off. I tried going the other way but his brother cut me off from there.

“What is your problem?! I already said I’m sorry.”

I looked them straight in the eye. If you don’t knock it off,” I began, “I’ll tell the hall monitors!”

Both of the twins burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

Nick’s brother was wiping a tear away from his eye. “Sorry to burst your bubble, he said, pulling out a badge from the pocket of his blazer. His brother did the same. They each had the school crest on them - A shield with green and yellow diamonds, and a griffin on top of it all. They also had two blue letters - H and M.

Nick’s brother smiled as the realization hit me. “But we are the Hall Monitors.”

Omigod, how could I have forgotten.

I clutched Philip’s note tighter. Unfortunately, they noticed. Before I could blink, Nick’s brother had snatched the note out of my hand.

“Hey, that’s mine!” I yelled, scrambling to knock it out of his hand.

“Give it back!”

Armati twin number two chuckled and raised his arm over his head, where I couldn’t reach.

“Or else what?”

Suddenly, a familiar voice said, “Or else you’re gonna get your a** kicked.”

The twins turned around to look at the figure approaching them.

When he stepped into the light, I could finally make out his face.

Jax.
What was he doing here?

In his right hand, he was tossing a stone up and down. His other hand was shoved deep into the pocket of his jeans.

“You better give her note back and walk away, or you’ll regret it.”

“Pffft, you don’t scare us Bowyer,”exclaimed Nick’s brother.

“Ya,” piped up Nick, “we’re not scared of you.”

“That’s too bad,” said Jax, putting a stick-like object out of his pocket. He put a stone against the string that was stretched between the stick’s two branches and drew it back. “You should be.”

His slingshot sent the stone flying at Nick’s brother’s face, hitting him squarely in the nose.

The impact knocked his head back as blood splurted from his nose.

“What-” he managed, as his brother lunged forward at Jax.

Jax pulled another stone from his pocket and shot it, hitting Nick squarely in the stomach. Gripping his stomach, Nick grunted and doubled over.

Jax was running past him over to where the other Armati twin was lying, sprawled out on the floor, his hand cradling his nose. Jax knelt down so they were facing each other and said, “Where is it?”

Nick’s brother threw the piece of paper at him. “Take your bloody note already.”

Note in hand, he walked over to where I was picking up all my books. “Here you go,” he said, holding it out to me.

I glanced up. “Oh, thanks.”

He glanced at the two Armati twins. “C’mon,” he said, grabbing my hand.

“Let’s get out of here.”

Walking down the stairs wasn’t so bad. As long as I didn’t run or walk too fast I didn’t feel so dizzy.

I glanced down at the note in my hands. Honestly, all this fuss over a  piece of paper. Philip must have been crazy to leave this note in my locker. He knows he’s not allowed to be here.
We finally came to the bottom of the stairs and were heading down an unfamiliar hallway.

“Um, where are we going?”, I asked.

He turned to look at me. “Outside,” he said, “to chill.”

“But I thought we were going back to class.”

Jax paused to glance at his watch. “There’s only 15-20 minutes left of the period. By the time you got to class, it would already be over.”

He shrugged. “We might as well do something with the time we have.”

“Alright,” I agreed, as we continued walking down the hall.

We headed through the open-double doors which opened up to a bright sunlit area with grass and trees. A few picnic tables were strewn about as well. A light breeze pulled at a few stray strands of my hair as I took in the scene.

Wow….

“You can sit if you want, you know.”

I turned to look at Jax.

He had the slightest hint of a smile. “You don’t have to stand there gawking all day.”

“I wasn’t gawking.” I muttered, hugging my books closer to my chest.

He chuckled. “If you say so. I’m going to get a Coke, want one?”

I nodded, watching him walk towards the vending machine that was just outside the school entrance.

I sat down at the picnic table closest to me, letting my books clatter onto the hard wooden surface. My fingers were still curled around Philip’s message. What could he have written to me?

I fingered the rectangular slip of paper. What could possibly be so important-

Checking for a quick moment to maker sure Jax hadn’t returned, I carefully unfolded the note and began to read.

Dear Margot,
(Always so formal Philip)
I know. I know. You think I’m crazy (Of course you’re crazy you dolt)
I know I should be patient, but I want to be a bigger part of your life than I am now.
We grew up together. We’ve always been there for each other. Now…
I just don’t see why things should be any different.

“Oh Philip…”, I whispered into the still air.

“Who’s Philip?” asked a familiar voice from behind me.

I jumped. “Gosh, Jax you scared me!”

He was now seating himself beside me, his brown hair looking golden in the sun. “Oh, I brought you a Coke, by the way,” he said as he handed me a soda can.

I set it down on the table. “Thank you,” I said, turning to him, “But I don’t really like soda.”

“Omigod, who doesn’t like soda?”

“Um...me, I guess?”

“What, it’s too sugary for you?”

“What? No,” I assured him. “I don’t have a problem with sugar, but the bubbles sting my tongue.”

“Ah.” he said, taking a long swig from his Coke.

“Y’know, if you wait long enough the bubbles will dissipate. By the time we head back to class, your soda should be fine.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t sweat it.”

The wind stirred the leaves on the branches, making little swishing noises.

“Um, Jax?”

Jax turned to look at me. His eyes are still the same, I thought.

“Why did you bring me here?”

He set his drink down on the table. I continued on, “You-You’ve never talked to me in the hallways and we don’t take any classes together. We’re just strangers.”

“I know,” he said, “I’m trying to remedy that.”

“It’s hard for me to try to get to know someone, because I’m so used to people coming up to me first. But, I don’t know. I think you’re kind of interesting.”

“Really?”

“You’re always getting into all these scraps and it’s kind of amusing.”

“So you keep me around because I amuse you.”

He chuckled. “Something like that.”

“Gosh,” I muttered, turning to watch the sunlight ripple across the surface of the leaves. “That’s so conceited.”

At this, Jax let out a burst of laughter. “Awfully quick to judge, aren’t you? - Considering that I saved you back there.”

He did save me, didn’t he?

“Why were you in that hallway in the first place?”

Jax took another sip of his Coke. “I have rugby practice with the Armati’s. They were cutting, so I went off to look for them,” he said.

“Oh, ok. So---you’re a senior then?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s that like?”

“I don’t know. What’s being a Junior like?”

“Pfft, you should know! You were already a junior.”

“Yeah, but it was so long ago I already forgot.”

I folded my arms, letting my elbows rest on the table. “Gosh, um...Junior year’s pretty hard.”

He turned to look at me. “How so?”

“Um, well the classes are tough,” I admitted, tracing my thumb over the ripple patterns in the wood.

“Plus I don’t really get along with the people so well.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. It’s just hard talking in public.”

“And...outside isn’t public?”

“What I mean is, I don’t like talking when everybody’s there.”

“That’s tough.”

I exhaled, “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

I let out a laugh. “You get used to it thought. Honesty, I’ve never really had any friends, except Philip.”

“Who’s Philip?”, Jay tilted his head.

“Oh, uh..he’s one of my childhood friends, or friends since childhood, rather.”

“What school does he go to?”

“He doesn’t. He’s homeschooled.”

“Ah.”

“Sometimes I wish he went to this school.”

“Why can’t he?”

“He’s not allowed.”

“Sucks.”

“Just a bit.”

Suddenly, Jax glanced at his watch and stood up. “Looks like it’s time to go. Don’t want to be late again, right?” he said.

I nodded and stood up as well. As we headed through the giant double doors, Jax tossed his Coke into the recycling bin. I was still carrying mine.

“Hey, Jax?”, I said.

“Yeah?”

“Uh...thanks for helping me. Just I feel like I didn’t say that yet.”

He smiled. “No prob.” As we climbed the stairs, he muttered, “Hopefully you won’t need rescuing so often.”

I rolled my eyes and climbed up after him.

——————————-
———
——————

“I just don’t get it.” muttered Jonas. “Why does she care so much about a stupid piece of paper?”

“Look, bro,” said Nick, putting his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I know you’re upset about that Bowyer kid, but just let it go, alright?”

“Shut up, Nick”, shouted Jonas. “You just don’t get it. I saw what was on that piece of paper. And that girl - there was something weird about her. She always hangs out by herself and barely talks to anybody.”

“So what? Look, it was probably just some stupid love note - “

“That’s just it - I saw it. There was nothing there.”

“And that’s it for today’s lesson,” exclaimed Mr. McAnderson, happily. “You guys better hurry off to your next class.”

I scooped up my binders and stood up from my desk. I tucked my pencil into the spiral of my notebook. On my way out, one of the girls behind me-Emma, I think-was exclaiming loudly, “Ugh, we’ve got gym next period.”

I smiled. Thank G-d I have a tutoring session with Jax next period.
I shuffled through the hallway, navigating my way through the sea of people. Everyone was chattering so loudly that the hallway seemed to thrum with the noise. I dodged around a short boy with dirty blonde hair.

Gradually, I made my way to locker 31B and began twisting the combination lock.

Please work. Please work. Don’t make me late. I glanced at the clock across the hall. I”ve got about 7 minutes.

When I pulled on the latch, my locker swung open and hit me in the chin..again. But I didn’t care. Grabbing my geometry textbook and my math notebook, I shoved my locker closed and dashed down the hall.

“Whoah!”, cried a blonde-haired girl as I whooshed past her. “Hey, where are you headed?”, she called out.

I turned to look at her. It was the girl who sat behind me in poetry club. Her hair hung in a loose side ponytail. Her name started with an M… Maddie or Madison or something.

“Study session!”, I yelled over my shoulder.

“Have fun!” she hollered back.

Thanks.

As I zipped down the stairs, I wondered what she was even talking to me for anyways.

I crossed the landing and ran down the next flight of stairs. I was almost out of breath by the time I reached the floor. I paused for a moment, feeling my lungs expand as I sucked in air. With a small whoosh, I let it out.

I don’t have far to go. C’mon.

I pulled myself up and began walking down the hallway. I saw a couple students darting into classrooms as I walked by.

C’mon, those double doors have to be here somewhere…

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw what appeared to be a very large door to my left. I turned and headed towards it. The heels of my shoes made clicking sounds against the floor.

It’s definitely a double door… I thought, eyeing it. When I pulled the latch, the door swung open in a wide arc, but I managed to dodge out of its way. Grinning, I ran through the hall, crossing into the next building.

The doors to the library were wide-open (they locked automatically when you closed them). I walked in, greeting the librarian as I did. I scanned the tables looking for Jax.

I turned to the librarian. “Excuse me, miss?” She looked up. “Um, did you see a senior boy with brown hair and eyes? His name’s Jax.” The librarian looked thoughtful for a moment, before replying, “I think he came in earlier. He should be in the Historical Fiction section.”

“Thanks.” I said and dashed off.

I went through several aisles of books before coming to the Historical Fiction section. Jax was seated at the end of the row, at a rectangular wooden table. As I approached, he took a bite out of an apple. His arms were crossed and neatly folded on top of the wood.

“Hello!” I said, as I came over to the table.

“Hey!” He said, glancing up and setting his apple down. “You can sit or - uh stand if that’s more comfortable.”

“Haha, it’s ok. I’ll sit.” I sat across from him, dropping the stack of school books I’d been carrying on the table.

“So where do you want to start?” he asked.

I pulled my math textbook out of the pile and held it out to him. “Math.”

He took the book as I swept aside my school books. Setting the book on the table, he started flipping through the pages.

“Chapter 5, right?”

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

“I was a Junior once, remember?”

I smiled “Of course. How could I forget?”

I shrugged. “I guess it’s just hard to remember that you were young once too. Like the rest of us.”

“Oh come on, I’m not that old.” he said, flipping through the different subsections.

“It’s 2.5. Page 224.”

“Ah, thanks,” he said turning to the right page.

“You seem pretty old, sometimes, kind of far-away-like."

“I’m only seventeen."

“Wait, what?”

“I’m turning 18 in July."

“Gosh, you must be one of the youngest in your grade.”

“Yeah,” he said, scratching his neck. “But I’m still older than you.”

“Only for a little while. Besides, it’s ratios that count and I’m probably one of the oldest in my grade.”

“Haha, maybe. How old are you, anyway?”

“Oh..uh 16, but my birthday’s coming up in a month so…”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

I nodded.

“So do you wanna start with problem 24 or…?”

Oh right.

“Maybe problem 32, because I couldn’t understand how to factor that properly.”

“Ok,” he said, turning his notebook to show me. “If you do it step-by-step it makes the whole process a lot easier.”

“Yeah, “ I agreed, watching his hand move the pencil across the paper.

“X^2 +2x + 24”, he said, shifting the notebook to me. “What do you do first?”

“Uh…” I hate math. “Uh, you multiply the number by x2 by the number at the end.”

“Which would be?”

“1 times 24?”

“Good. Write that down.”

He handed me the pencil and I began writing.

“Basically, you write down all the potential factors and then use the pair that gets you the number in the middle.”

I nodded, tracing the lines my pencil drew with my eyes. Out of the corner of my eyes, I thought I saw a flash of black hair. My eyes flicked over to the “L-M” section over Jax’s shoulder, but the aisle looked empty. Besides, Jax’s shoulder was now taking up most of my view. There was a brownish stain near the top of his shoulder and little crinkles around it.

“Margot?” My eyes flicked to his face. “Are you paying attention?”

His eyes are still brown. Not that they’re gonna change or anything. I blinked.

“Yeah, sorry.” I sighed, “I hate math.”

“That’s kinda the point.”

“I just wish High School taught us to do things we actually enjoyed.”

Jax leaned back in his chair. “I think they have a system like that, it’s called homeschool.”

“Ugh, home-schooling’s terrible.”

“How would you know?”

“My friend Philip.” I said, twirling the pencil between my fingers. “He says home-schooling’s really terrible and that I’m lucky I get to go to school with other kids.”

“He sounds lonely.”

“Yeah, I...I’ve been worried about him lately. I mean, I used to be home-schooled also so me and Philip would hang out a lot more, but now I think he feels like I’ve been neglecting him.”

“You know, it’s not your fault for branching out more.”

“I know, but I can’t help feeling guilty over it.”

“Look, don’t worry about it. Let’s just focus on the math.”

“Haha, yeah.”

I nodded, and bent down to focus on the problem.

Suddenly-

There it was again. I jerked my chin up, just catching a flash of black hair disappear behind an aisle of books. I stood up, staring off in the direction I’d just seen.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I...need to check something out.” Without waiting for a response, I dashed off toward the Historical/Biography section. I skidded around the corner, gripping my knees as  I struggled to catch my breath. Philip was nowhere in sight.
Gosh, where was he?

I walked down the aisle of books, pausing to peer down each row. I walked along.
Click. Clack. My boots thudded against the floor. Click. Clack. Like a drum.

This was stupid.

“Where are you,” I muttered.

Then, just barely above a whisper-
“Hey.”

I whirled around. “Philip.”

He smiled and raised his hand in a bit of a wave. “Hey Margot.” I ran towards him.
His raven-black hair was a little messy this morning and it stuck up or curled in tufts here or there.

“What-” I managed, “What are you doing here?”

His smile faded. “I thought you would be happy to see me.”

“I-of course I am, but you’re getting so much more reckless than you used to be. You know you’re not allowed-”

“Of course I know,” he said, running his hands through his hair, “but it’s not fair-”

“I know that it’s not fair and I’m sorry, but things are good. Things are really starting to be good for once.”
“I just want it to...stay good.”

“So you have new friends here, is that it?”

“No Philip, that’s not what I-”

“Margot, where are you?” It was Jax.
Oh no.

My eyes flicked from Philip to the direction of Jax’s voice. “Hang on, Jax!” I yelled. “I’ll be out in a sec.”
Suddenly, Jax rounded the corner and came into view. “Margot?” he said, “Are you ok? What’s going on?”

“Oh, uh…” My eyes flicked over to Philip, standing a few feet away from me. I kept my eyes trained on Jax, trying to ignore the figure who stood watching me. Trying to ignore him.
“I thought I saw something earlier. I just wanted to see what it was. It...it was nothing.”

“Nothing, huh?” It was Philip. The words bit into me and I knew I should have turned around, but I didn’t. I didn’t know how. All I could do was watch Jax as he spoke, “Well, we should get back to doing math. I don’t want you to fail your course.”
He turned, heading back the way he came. “I’ll meet you back there, alright? I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”

I nodded, watching him disappear around the bend. I let out a small breath, not realizing that I had been holding it all this time. When I finally turned to look at Philip, he was gone.

----------------------------------------------
Philip didn’t leave me any more notes after that. I guess he never will.

He started avoiding me outside of school as well. I wish I hadn’t said those things. But I did. It was too late to change that.

Me and Jax started meeting up for study sessions more frequently. We also started hanging out more during lunch or free periods. My grades picked up and I started talking to the kids in my class more. That blond girl from poetry club-she turned out to be a pretty cool person once we got to know each other. Things were good. Things were finally the way I wanted it.

In spite of everything, though, I couldn’t enjoy myself. There was this weird feeling like something closing up and just sagging-weighing you down like a paperweight. I...I didn’t feel good. I wanted to take it back. I wanted to fix it.

How do I fix something like that? I thought to myself, as I walked down the hall, making my way over to my locker.

I put in the combination and turned the dial. My locker door popped open. I shoved my textbooks into my locker and grabbed my notebooks for the next class. As I made my way down the hall, I noticed a familiar flash of black hair.

No. It couldn’t be…

I took off running, darting around people. “Hey!” I shouted, hoping he could hear me. I ignored the shouts and cries of "Watch out!" I was right next to him. Reaching out, I put my hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” I said. But then he turned around. It wasn’t Philip.
I dropped my hand and my face fell. It was a stocky tenth year with freckles. “Do you need something?” he asked.

“Um...not anymore”, I said, turning to go down the stairs.
That’s when I heard a familiar voice. “Hey Margot.”

“Jax”, I breathed.
He caught up to me, panting a little as he tried to catch his breath. “Hey,” I said, a smile tugging on the corners of my mouth. “Hey”, he managed, still panting like a dog.
“C’mon, Jax”, I said. “You’re going to be late for class.”
“Yeah, yeah. I´m coming.”

We began walking together. I had French this period, which was near the Senior hallways, so we were headed in the same direction. “We totally slayed those Ridgewood Academy jerks our last match. You should have seen it! It was brutal.”
“You don’t say.”
“Oh, come on, can’t you at least pretend to be interested?”
“Haha, I´ll try my best.”
“Thank you, as I was saying….”
But it was hard to pay attention to what he was saying. With every boy we passed that had black hair, his words blurred together and I lost my focus. Each time, I could’ve sworn it was Philip that walked by us, but each time it never was.
Eventually, Jax stopped walking and turned to look at me. “Margot, you’ve seemed kind of out of it lately. Is something wrong?”
I shook my head and kept walking, hoping he would too. “Is it,” he paused. “Is it because of what happened in the library?”

I stopped. Turning to look at him, I said, “No. I told you, it was...it was nothing.”

Jax was quiet for a few seconds before walking the few steps it took to catch up to me. “If something’s bothering you”, he said, “You can trust me. You know that, right?”

“I know,” I said, looking down at his shoes “I just-”

Suddenly, the second bell rang.

“Need to get to class!” I exclaimed, dashing off towards French. “Hey,” he said, “Wait up!”, as he ran after me.

Sorry Jax
The lockers whizzing by me in a blur
I’m just not ready yet.
 

Jax caught up to me, eventually. He had to. In-between classes, lunch, or our study sessions-he found me. Things would be fine for a while and we would talk like nothing was wrong. But he always managed to slip in a question or two. He would ask me, “What were you going to say before the bell rang?”, or “How’s Philip doing?”
When he did, I usually ignored him or gave a curt answer and we continued on like nothing happened.

This time though, his comment had rattled me quite a bit. It was why I was lying on the grass on the hill behind our school. It was also why I wasn’t in class where I should be.

My eyes were closed. They were closed on the day I was born. They will be closed on the day I die. And they were closed right now.
Because I was thinking.

How could I have been so stupid?

I opened my eyes. The clouds drifted lazily by, curling and uncurling around each other like kittens. The prickly grass was stabbing into my back.

I folded my arm over my head, blocking out the sky.  I didn’t want to be thinking about this. I wanted it to be fixed.

But how?
It’s not as if I can just find him, can I?
Think-what’s the one place he would go if he wanted to be alone?

Suddenly it hit me. Of course. The old beech tree.

I picked up my bags and started running up the hill, not bothering to care about the grass stains on my skirt. The last period should be ending soon. I just had to get the books from my locker and then I could set my plan in motion.

I zipped through the hallways packed with students. Most were rushing to get their books as well. I hurried up the stairs, bumping into a 9th year and two tenth years.

“Watch where you’re going,” one of the tenth years hissed.

“Sorry,” I murmured dashing off.

Gosh, the hallways are so crowded.

By the time I made it to the West Wing, most of the students had already made their way out of the building. I made my way over to locker 31B. The floor tiles were aglow with the light from the setting sun as it wafted in through the windows.

I put in the combination and turned the dial. The locker swung open, just as I ducked, barely avoiding getting hit in the chin. I put back my heavy geometry textbook, taking out some binders/notebooks. I was about to put them in my bag, when I heard his voice from behind.

“Hey”. He was leaning down, so I could hear him better, though he didn’t need to. Not at this distance. “Hey,” I breathed, turning to face him.

“I was looking for you earlier, but I couldn’t find you. You have English last period, right?”

“Haha yeah,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “Sorry about that. I was taking some time to just...think.”

“Ah”, he said. It’s so quiet. I glanced around, realizing that the hallway was empty.

I clutched my notebooks to my chest. “It’s getting pretty late, Jax”, I murmured, brushing past him. “I need to be getting home. So do you.”

“Wait,” Jax exclaimed, reaching out to grip my hand. I stopped. He sighed. “You’ve been so out-of-it lately, I thought you might need to not think so much and just let go for once.”

“What are you talking about?” I turned to face him.

Smiling, he pulled two tickets out of his pocket. “Margot, do you want to go to the movies with me?”

My heart skipped a beat. I blinked. “I’d love to-” But.
“But I can’t. Not tonight. There’s something important I’ve got to do.”

He looked crestfallen. “I’m sorry-

“Is this because of what I said earlier?”

“What?  No, of course not.”

“Because I swear I didn’t mean it.”

“I know Jax, it’s fine. And I.. really do want to go with you, but I can’t tonight. I’ve got to take care of something”.

“Like what?” He had released his grip on my arm a while ago, but his eyes made me feel pinned.

“I...can’t tell you.” The setting sun caused our shadows to spill across the floor tiles.

“Just like you can’t tell me about Philip?”

I flinched. It’s getting late. I have to get home.

“I’m sorry Jax. I’ve got to get home.” I turned and began running down the stairs. Maybe he called for me, or maybe he didn’t. I don’t know. Either way, I didn’t stop running.

————————————————————-
It was dark.

Philip wasn’t there yet. So I waited. I counted the stars. I got up to 700, when I heard a twig snap. “Who’s there?”

I turned and-nothing. The air was still and everything was quiet, except for the sound of the wind whistling through the branches.

I let out a breath. Maybe Phillip didn’t even get the note I left earlier. I glanced at my watch. It was already midnight. I looked up at the stars, which glittered overhead like a thousand watchful eyes. I should get going.

I turned to go, shoving my hands into the pockets of my maroon sweater.
“Looking for me?”

He was there at the base of the beech tree, leaning against the trunk. 
“Hey,” I managed.
“Hey.” He smiled as he said it.

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Always show up when I’m looking for you.” I dug my hands further into my pockets.

“Ah,” he said, “That’s my secret.” He folded his arms over his chest. “So what did you want to talk to me about?”

I can’t believe he’s being so easygoing about this.

“I-” I began, “I’m sorry.”

He blinked.

“I never should have said those things I said. I didn’t mean it. And I...don’t even know if I mean what I’m saying right now, but I mean it more than I meant it then.”

“Margot…” Philip reached his hand toward me.

I looked up at him, when suddenly a voice came crashing through the still night air.

“Margot?!”

What? Jax!

“Who were you talking to?”, he asked as he clambered toward me.

“I was talking to….” I turned around. No one was there. “...myself,” I finished. Philip was gone, blended into the trees and the background. I thought Jax would think the situation was awkward and funny, but his hands were clenched. “This is what you stood me up for?”

“What? No, I didn’t stand you up, I was-”

“You were what?”

“I- can’t tell you.”

“Right.”

“Jax-”

“I thought you said you were doing something important.”

“I was doing something important.”

“Look Margot, maybe you don’t understand what a big deal this is to me. I was asking you on a date. You blew me off.”

A date. The word passed silently through my skull-far-away, out of focus.

“And it’s not a one-time thing either. Lately, you’ve been avoiding me. I-I like you. I really do. But, do you like me or not?”

I don’t know-what to say, what to think. But of all the things I could say, what I said was, “I can’t tell you that.”

Jax took a sharp intake of breath. Dark clouds were covering up the moon, making the stars seem brighter . “Right.” He turned around. “Come talk to me again when you feel like you can actually tell me something.” And with that, he walked off into the night.

It was only when I could no longer see his figure in the distance that I let myself cry. I sank down onto the grass. The dewdrops staining the uniform skirt I had forgotten to change out of earlier.

“Hey,” a voice said behind me. Philip.

“Hey, I’m sorry-”

“Don’t,” I said sharply. I turned around to face him. “This is all your fault.”

He flinched as if I’d slapped him. I might as well have.

“I wish-” I stood up, shaking, tears rolling down my cheeks. “I wish I’d never come here.”

Philip took a step back toward the tree.

“I wish you never existed!” I sank down onto the ground once more.

“Margot-” he said.

“Just-” I managed. “Just go away. Leave me alone.”

And he did.

When I lifted my head and opened my eyes Philip was gone.
 

I never went to to the beech tree again.

At least not on purpose. But I passed by it every day on the way home from
school. I tried not to look at it. But every now and then, I could see the pile of notes left at the base of the trunk.

Untouched.

I shivered, shaking off the thought. It was cold.

I marched along the path, feeling the crunch of leaves beneath my boots. The wind tickled my hair.

Me and Jax hadn’t talked since...everything.
We passed each other in the hallway without a word. He even got someone else to tutor me-some stuck-up senior who tried to talk to me as little as possible. It was like we were back to being strangers.

Were we ever anything but?

I stopped walking, the wind pulling at the hem of my skirt, making it swirl around me. What? I thought. Of course we were. We- we still are.
But does it matter if we act like we’re strangers? Would anyone know the difference?

I turned, gazing at one of the hills in the distance. From here, I could still make out the beech tree that grew on top of it. And the pile of notes I had tried so hard not to look at. I was looking at them now, as the wind whipped my hair.

I pulled my gaze away and turned toward the path in front of me. I began marching forward. I...wouldn’t do anything yet, but…
The pile of notes flashed through my mind. But I would have to. I couldn’t go on like this.

I already owe Philip an apology. I don’t want to owe Jax one too.

———————————————-
—————————

I didn’t feel like going home. Which is why I was here. At the base of the beech tree. I leaned back against the trunk, careful not to disturb the notes lying next to me. It had been a long day.
The morning had been cold and gray around the edges. Like the night didn’t want to let go of the sky just yet.
The worst thing about this whole situation wasn’t when I didn’t see Jax. It was when I did. I saw him once or twice in the library. Feeling a little brave, I had walked toward him, but the moment he saw me, he turned around and walked in the opposite direction. I just..stood there, feeling like an idiot.
I tried not to look at him when I saw him in the hallway. Tried to keep my eyes focused on my books and the sounds me shoes made when they hit the floor. That sound had carried me through the day.

I sighed. A light breeze ruffled the tips of my hair, and I wished I could hold on to that wind and let it carry me away. There’s no such thing as being brave. There’s only ever moments where you have no choice. And the wind wouldn’t carry me away.

I glanced around. The sun was setting. How long am I going to wait here? I wondered, hugging my knees close to my chest. I shivered. Maybe Philip will appear out of nowhere like he always does. I rested my chin on top of my knees. Pfffft...yeah, right.

That’s it. I can’t wait around forever. Slowly, I got up, using my arms to push myself off the ground. I shoved my hands into my pockets. The air was sharp and cold, stinging my throat as I breathed it in. I began walking down the hill, kicking aside branches and dead leaves. I didn’t feel like taking the main road, so I just kept walking-among the grass and trees.

I didn’t know how long I had been walking for, when the toe of my boot his something heavy and sharp. At first, I tried to kick it aside, thinking it was another rock, but when I bent down and felt it, I realized I had found some railroad tracks.

It was getting hard to see in the dark, and a light drizzle had started, making it even harder. That’s why I didn’t believe it at first.

Against the darkness of the sky, I saw a figure standing a few feet from me. Maybe it wouldn’t have caught my attention, if not for that familiar flash of black hair. Is that- I wouldn’t let myself finish the thought. I began running.

“Philip!” I called out. “Philip, please!” And I couldn’t tell if it was rain slipping down my cheeks or my own tears.

The figure stood there, unmoving, as I ran towards him. My throat was ragged when I finally reached him.
“Philip.” I gasped out.

He turned his face back to the train tracks. “What are you doing here, Margot?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I-I’m bringing you home.”

He was silent for a moment. “What if I don’t want to go home?”

No, Philip.

I opened my mouth to say something, but he cut me off. “What if,” he continued on, “what if I’m running away?”

“You-you can’t.” I managed. “I need you”.

“You don’t need me.”

No Philip, I do. Don’t do this.

“You’re lucky you know? You go to that school and you see people every day, and-and people see you. It’s not like that with me. You’re the only one I’ve got. And sometimes I wish...you didn’t have anyone else either.”

The rain was coming down in sheets now, plastering his hair to his face. Dark clouds frothed and swirled overhead. I took a step toward him. “Philip, I know I hurt you.” I took another step toward him. “I know that I don’t have any right to ask you to listen to what I have to say, but please,” and I knew that if I wasn’t crying before I was crying now, “Please hear me out.”

Thunder rumbled overhead. Philip and I both stood at the edge of the train tracks. “I...I’m sorry. I do need you. And I was wrong to ever make you feel otherwise. Philip, please don’t leave.”

I put my hand on his chest. His shirt was cold and slippery, hard to grasp onto. Everything about him was hard to grasp onto.

“Margot”, he said. I glanced up at him. “I forgive you. I don’t hate you, but I,” he looked up at the sky. “I have to go.”

“No you can’t,” I said through clenched teeth. “I won’t let you”.

“You have to,” he said.

“But I-”, suddenly I was cut off by the sound of a train engine rapidly approaching us.

“Margot!” I was shoved to the ground. The grass was wet and cold and slippery. Everything was dark. My brain felt fuzzy. Phillip. I sat up quickly. The train was rolling by, and Phillip was nowhere to be found. I looked for him everywhere, but it didn’t make a difference. Phillip was gone.

It was like he didn’t exist. No one could prove otherwise. I wondered if he had been in my head all along.

So I’m writing this down so that I can remember
That you were the best friend I ever had.

Goodbye, Phillip.

So is that the end?

I closed my journal and sighed, leaning back against the tree. It wasn’t the beech tree, but it would have to do. I didn’t feel like going back there, anyway.

The clouds were gathering overhead. Dark angry little things, climbing over one another to block out the sun. A breeze ruffled the tips of my hair.

Enough dwelling on the past. I should really get going.

I picked up my schoolbooks and began running down the hill. I was about half-way down the hill when I heard a voice, calling out across the wind.

“Hey Margot!”

Jax.

I stopped, just standing there as the wind swirled around me. “Hey,” I said tentatively.

“Hey”, he said, taking a step towards me.

We just stood there for a moment. Not-not saying anything. Just standing as the wind blew against us, like it was trying to knock us over. And I just walked right up to him, and threw my arms around his neck. “Hey,” I whispered into his shoulder.

He hugged me back. “Hey”, he said again. I could hear the smile in his voice.

“I-” we both said at once. “Sorry, you can go first”, he said.
“I-” I let out a breath. “I’m sorry.” I lifted my head off his shoulder so I could look at him. “I’m sorry. Life has been crazy...Life will always be crazy. But what I’m beginning to realize is that I don’t want to live with something I regret. I don’t want those words to be the last thing I ever say to you.”

His eyes are so fiercely brown. It’s been so long since I’ve seen them up close.

“And”, I said, “I miss you.”

He smiled. “I miss you too. It’s good to have you back, Margot.”

“Thanks”, I said, smiling. “How about after school I take you on a real date.”

“Yeah,” he said, grinning. “That’d be awesome.”

“C’mon,” I said, grabbing his hand. “We’re gonna be late for class.”

“We wouldn’t want that now would we?”

I turned to look back at him, to tell him ‘Of course not’, but I was already running down the hill.

I’ll give him the journal later, I told myself. One day I’ll explain everything to him. But for now…

I glanced over my shoulder. Jax was running after me, grinning like a madman. I couldn’t help but grin as well.

But for now, I thought, as I turned to face the sky and rolling clouds, For now I’d like to enjoy the moment.