Hi. I know you’re probably wondering why I’ve been avoiding you, or why I decided to write this to you now of all times. Well, I don’t really know myself.

Actually, that’s a lie. And if I finally managed to get the courage to write this to you, then I might as well be completely honest. (See? I even chose to not make this anonymous, even though it would be so easy to just hide behind that nameless existence. I have no other way of giving this to you, though, so if you ever do find this I want you to know exactly how I feel. Hope you don’t mind that a bunch of strangers see this too. I’m not very good at dealing with stuff like this, though.)

It’s almost been a year since I told you I liked you. I know this because I wrote the date down and everything.You aren’t the first guy I’ve ever liked, but you are the first one I’ve ever confessed to.

I didn’t want you to forget me, because I knew it would be really hard for me to forget you. Even now I still look for you, hoping to catch a glimpse of you as I walk home. But if I did see you, I’d pretend I didn’t notice because I was too busy freaking out about what I would say to you. Or if I could even still talk to you.

I mean, it has been a year. For all I know, you could’ve forgotten about me and moved on a long time ago. Gotten yourself a girlfriend while I’m still busy thinking about you. It’s not a possibility I like to consider, but if you have moved on, I don’t want to complicate what you have now. (That might be a bit presumptuous of me; assuming my presence is enough to complicate your life. But I know that you have complicated mine.)

I’ve been wondering if I should move on for a long time now. Sometimes I feel like I have, and that I don’t like you anymore. But then I see you again, even from a distance, and I know that I’m just lying to myself.

Which is why when I saw you last week, it was a big shock. I thought you were just gonna walk past and ignore me. Payback for all the times I avoided you. But then you stopped at the corner of my street and waited there with your friend to talk to me. I can’t explain how nervous and happy I felt that I was talking to you again after almost a year. Though the conversation was short, it still made me realize that I haven’t completely moved on from you yet.

But even now, you still are the one to come up to me first. You always were the braver one.

I remember last year, I would have my headphones in and you would call me to get my attention for something. I could hear you just fine, but I always waited until you tapped on my shoulder before I turned around. It’s not because I didn’t want to talk; I just liked it when you said my name. Small things, but it made me smile regardless.

Actually, just remembering you makes me smile. I treasure my memories of you. That’s probably why I’m still holding on to you after all this time. I’d love it if things were the same as back then, but I know that’s impossible. We’re different people then we were before, and it’s a different situation now. But I’ll continue to hold onto my memories for as long as I can until I can think of you without feeling anything more than friendship. Before any of this started, you told me we were friends, and above anything else, I’d rather be your friend than nothing at all.

I do still like you, though, if you didn’t get that by now. And I’ll still like you for who knows how much longer, even if we don’t speak for another year.

I think that’s enough for now. Maybe I’ll write another letter to you again, maybe not. I don’t even know if you’ll ever see this, but at least I’ve said it out loud (or written it out) instead of keeping it in for so long.

Sincerely,
E.