A Battle Inside Me | Teen Ink

A Battle Inside Me

October 13, 2011
By kenzie_treub DIAMOND, Orlando, Florida
kenzie_treub DIAMOND, Orlando, Florida
60 articles 0 photos 11 comments

There is a battle raging inside me, although I am often unaware,
My own defense system fighting against me,
Every day I feel the pain of my white knights countering and fighting the wrong enemy,
My white knights fight against me,
Although I am doing no wrong,
I do not understand,
As I sit looking out the window,
I feel a wave of pain pass through like a knife,
I cringe and grit my teeth and wait for it to pass,
It is unending,
No matter how hard I clench my jaw the pain does not go away,
This is nothing new, it never does anyway,
I look out the window,
I see the clouds, sun, and the beautiful birds
How I wish I could fly,
Care free and ignorant to my problems,
My mother’s ringtone interrupts my daydream,
It’s time to go to my neurologist,
Back to reality,
Back to the blood tests, MRI’s, and needle sticks,
Back to the constant pain,
The constant doctor visits,
The constant consultations,
I hate the way doctors talk about you in the third person,
They act as if you are invisible,
They talk about you as if you were never in the room,
Often, I wish I could by as ignorant as they,
I wish I could ignore my pain,
The doctor says there is a hole in my spine,
I am not surprised,
I feel as if there has been a hole for the past year,
I don’t know what can fill this gap in my heart anymore,
They’ve taken away my life,
They’ve taken away my love,
Horseback riding,
It’s gone,
I cannot ride anymore,
My only coping mechanism,
They can send me to as many doctors as they want,
It will fix nothing,
They say that my disease is one thing,
Then they call me again,
Tell me that it’s something else,
And we are at it again,
What medicine is it,
What can help me,
They don’t seem to be sure,
The most frightening thing is the unknown,
If I could just know,
It would be much easier,
But I am left in the dark,
Waiting for an answer,
They may heal my pain,
But they cannot mend my heart,
I can put on my plastic smile at school,
For the doctors,
For my teachers,
For my friends,
But it is never real,
If I am happy,
It is only for a moment,
I feel like I am in a pit of quicksand,
Sinking deeper and deeper,
Ever so slowly,
The more I fight back,
The more I try to pretend that my life is okay,
The slower I descend,
My reality is a dream I can never awaken from,
I can pretend,
But I will never give up,
I have my dark days,
But I will keep fighting,
I will pull myself up from this endless pit,
And rise to this challenge and win,
I have dealt with this for one year,
And I will continue to fight until I can beat this enigma,
There is always darkness before the light,
I am living proof of that.

The author's comments:
I currently have been going to the doctor quite often as they are trying to figure out what is wrong with my brain and spine. I wrote this mainly because I thought it would be therapudic to write about how I feel. If you are like me, with an auto-immune or nuerological disease, I urge you to read this and rate and comment! Your support means the world to me!

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This article has 11 comments.

on Dec. 30 2011 at 10:49 am
kenzie_treub DIAMOND, Orlando, Florida
60 articles 0 photos 11 comments
hey guys. just an update---i am getting better gradually. we have come to a final diagnosis. RA, Fibromyalgia, Chiari 1 Malformation, and a syrnx in the spinal column(I will not even begin to try to spell the fancy medical term for it. they have decided that surgery is not necessary. the docs have prescribed a few medications. a few neuropathic things, a sleep aid, along with my RA meds. Unfortunately there really is nothing they can do for me. it is a sit and wait. thank you all so much for your continued support! keep fighting! -Mackenzie

on Nov. 26 2011 at 9:19 am
kenzie_treub DIAMOND, Orlando, Florida
60 articles 0 photos 11 comments
please comment!

on Oct. 18 2011 at 1:50 pm
kenzie_treub DIAMOND, Orlando, Florida
60 articles 0 photos 11 comments
thanks to all of you!  make sure to check out my other essays and rate and comment please!

on Oct. 18 2011 at 1:24 pm
Very beautiful poem. Keep fighting. 

on Oct. 17 2011 at 8:18 pm
Metaphor SILVER, Falls Church, Virginia
5 articles 2 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
The beauty of grace is that it make life not fair.

A beautiful representation of very real, tangible pain. Thank you for sharing this.

on Oct. 17 2011 at 1:50 am
Greenpaw BRONZE, Billerica, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 11 comments
Keep fighting dude. Good work!

on Oct. 16 2011 at 6:57 am
kenzie_treub DIAMOND, Orlando, Florida
60 articles 0 photos 11 comments
Thanks for all of your support!  

on Oct. 16 2011 at 3:04 am
tennisstar BRONZE, Oakdale, California
3 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight."-Gordon B. Hinckley

Very emotional! I love the symbols you used like the white knights. I have type 1 diabetes and while I don't have the exact same pain or problem, I still felt like I related to this poem. Beautifully done and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Lizette SILVER said...
on Oct. 15 2011 at 9:48 pm
Lizette SILVER, Delphos, Ohio
5 articles 0 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
Everyone is entitled to be stupid. But some people abuse the privlidge!

i loved how honest you were and how you didn't ryhm to make it go....it just worked on its on! great job:) i hope you find what you need soon!  i'll be cheering for you!:)

on Oct. 15 2011 at 7:12 pm
GuiseofGentleWords SILVER, Elkins, West Virginia
7 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
You acted like I was hurling crowbirds at mockingbars
and abandoned me for not making sense.
Evidently, I don’t experience things as rationally as you do.-Buddy Wakefield

I loved this please continue to write.

sasha1996 GOLD said...
on Oct. 15 2011 at 11:21 am
sasha1996 GOLD, Geneva New York, New York
13 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
if you think you can you can and if you think you cant you cant.

this is great and i hope all goes well. i spent a lot of time in a hospital with my baby brother who passed away in janurary. luckily he had excellent doctors and nurses.

i hope they figure out what it is and that you get better.