We’ve all been there, looking into the mirror, asking ourselves, “will the men in the elevator prefer a black or brown skirt?” Well, fear no more! After surveying hundreds of fathers, husbands, and sons, we have compiled a list of ten ways to improve yourself for men’s pleasure.

#10: Glasses
Being able to see properly seems like a simple human necessity. However, our survey shows that these spectacles make men feel uneasy. Some believe that womens’ glasses are constructed differently than mens’. No man has ever dared to try on a pair of pink bifocals to confirm this suspicion, though. So before you leave the house, put your glasses back on your dresser and grab your walking cane. We promise, men will flock to you.

#9: Lipstick/gloss
Makeup companies are evolving, inventing smudge proof eyeliner and all day lip color. Who’s to say that they haven’t gone the extra mile and install complex technology in the tubes of lipstick and lipgloss? Men have claimed that speaking to a woman wearing lipgloss is much more threatening than speaking to a woman with nude lips. Perhaps these red bottles of sin contain a chemical that allows its wearer to be both heard and seen, unlike traditional standards of one or the other. Again, no man has attempted to weaken his masculinity in order to discover the truth behind this theory.

#8: Drivers License
This one is obvious; when men see women driving in a car, a flood of questions go through their heads. Where is she going? Why is she going? Why is she going without me? Licenses give women the power of independence, allowing them to travel from place to place without being accompanied by a man. Who knows where she could be going? Ladies, consider calling a taxi or a male coworker instead of commuting to work unattended. Though not recommended, you can keep your license for emergencies, just be sure to make it known to drivers around you where you’re going and why.

#7: Religion
Seeing women worshipping a god of any sort cripples a man’s masculinity. Seeing a woman at her knees, praying to another man simply belittles the man she should be worshipping- her husband/boyfriend/guy who bought her a drink that one time. But ladies, don’t give up religion altogether, men like a girl who believes in a higher power.

#6: Watches/clocks
Creating a schedule is important when it comes to getting things done in a timely and organized fashion. Here’s the problem: when a man gives a woman a clock, he is also giving her an invitation to create a schedule that possible doesn’t revolve around him. The best bet is to teach her the patterns of the sun. In the morning, tell her the position of the sun when you plan to arrive home from work. This way, she won’t be able to determine the exact time, just an estimation. If you do allow her to leave the house for a scheduled hobby or club, inform her of the sun’s position for when said event starts.

#5: A Father Figure
A father is a person who sets a standard for the future suitors of his daughter. When that father figure is successful, respectful, and handsome, his daughter will have high standards for men. Ladies, if you currently have a father in your life, point out all of his flaws and ignore his good traits. This way, when a man who is successful, but not respectful or handsome, tries to court you, you will have to agree. Also, if you have no father figure/a bad father figure, be sure to respect yourself and don’t settle for any man. If you do, all other men will see you as easy and desperate!

#4: A Degree in Education
No man wants a woman to teach his son! She will shove bigoted beliefs into her students’ heads, going as far as teaching them that girls have just as much potential as boys. Also, who would ever want their son to be inspired by a female? He might become a teacher, a job that no respectable, masculine man would take.

#3: Preventive Mastectomies
Not only does removing breast tissue make women appear more like men, but it also strips them from the possibility of being a wife. Women who are selfish enough to remove possibly cancerous tissue from their chests don’t deserve a man. Wives: if you truly love your husband, you will keep your breasts for his sake.

#2: Literacy:
Contrary to popular movies and television shows, a woman who reads is not attractive. 86% of men we surveyed believe that women who read at least once a day are elitist misandrists. However, if you do happen to enjoy fairy tales and romance novels, you can still have them read to you!

#1: Food and Water:
It’s common knowledge that food consumed turns into energy which turns into power which, in women, turns into the crumbling of the beloved patriarchy and all over world disorder. So ladies, when a man takes you out to dinner, order a salad without dressing. It has the basic nutrients you need to live without going overboard and destroying worldwide social structure!