I can feel the breeze blowing back my brunette hair, the grass tickling my feet, and the rough, soothing texture of the bark behind me. No one can judge me here; no one can whisper behind my back thinking I can't hear. No one can look at me in pity, thinking I can't see it but they don't know that I can feel it. Out here I can relax and blend in, feel like a part of something. I think this is what people call happiness, being a part of something. But how could I know? I lost all sense of happiness with my eyesight. Both shriveled up into nothingness. But I know I'll find a way to get it back,; I just have to.

Mother took me to a beautiful nature preserve downtown. I felt like I was ten years old again with Mother guiding me down the trail by her hand. But soon a nature guide came and gave Mother a walking stick. He said it'll help me feel where I was going. I gladly accepted, and tried saying 'thank you' but the words caught in my throat and all that came out was a squeak. I'm stupid like that. Mother had to go back to work on a late notice so the nature guide said he'd handle it from there. His name was Myer. Myer asked me why I had to wear a blindfold across my eyes, even though I was blind. He said he'd met many blind people and none of them had ever worn something to cover it up. He told me it was creepy. That boy was a real charmer. Most people I know whisper behind my back about me but never, ever has someone been so blunt. So I think it's understandable that I hit him with the walking stick. My anger started to boil even more when I heard him chuckle. I wish I could walk away, but when you can't see it's very hard. "Is it wrong to be curious?" he wondered out loud. I found it was hard to hate someone who spoke what they were thinking rather than gossip behind me. " I had an accident, and- ," my voice caught, and I took a long breath. Continuing I mumbled, " I was working part-time in a restaurant and I tripped over a bottle, and the glasses shattered and I fell face first into them. One of them got stuck in my eye, and I was already in need of laser surgery because my eyesight was always horrible but now even that couldn't help me. And worst of all no one came to my aid. They just stood around screaming like a bunch of idiots. Which is why I have to wear a blindfold; so I don't injure anything else, if that makes sense." He winced,"That's gotta hurt." I thought, pondering for a moment, "Maybe, but I don't recall it. I can only remember the screams."

"Aren't you just a bit of sunshine," he grumbled. Then we walked quietly for the rest of the trail which was perfectly fine with me.

Someone once told me there was no such thing as miracles, and I used to believe them. I woke up groggily with a pounding on my door. I rolled over and the recording blared that it was only 11:00 in the morning....ON A WEEKEND. Grrrr. I felt around and found the walking stick, and grabbing it, I stood up. It wasn't that I needed it. I can feel around my house just fine, but I needed it to hit the person who was waking me so early, unless it was Mother. I pulled the door open, holding the stick up. " Nice to see you too," came a smooth voice. My stick fell. Why in the world was Myer standing in my doorway!? "Just listen to me, ok? Don't interrupt," he ordered. I scowled, but nodded anyways. "My dad works as an assistant doctor at the hospital downtown, after you told me about...your condition, I had this awesome idea. We've been needing someone to help us experiment on a new project we've discovered. It's a machine that can take any part of you and make it brand new. If you're deaf, it'll give you new ears. If you have an artificial leg, get a brand new real one! And finally," I could feel him staring at me." And finally, if you've lost your eyesight with no way to get it back, it can give you brand new eyes." My entire body felt numb. I couldn't even register what had happened. I was gonna get new eyes. I was going to be able to see again. "I told my dad about your condition and he said you'd be perfect, because they don't want to use someone with just an ordinary problem that can be fixed with laser surgery. They want to test something that's impossible! So are you in?" he asked. I turned my face toward his voice and whispered,"of course."

The surgery's in one hour. I thought I'd be nervous but when your insides are jumping up and down, cheering for the first time in 6 months and 18 days, it doesn't leave any room for nervousness. I want to be able to see again so badly it physically hurts. I've been gushing thank you to Myer for the past 10 minutes and I can feel him smiling. "I'm kind of brilliant aren't I," he'd said to me. I tried to roll my eyes even though he couldn't see with my blindfold covering them, but that just set my eyes in a heck lot of pain. I always kept telling myself a miracle would come but I never actually believed it in my heart. It was just a way to keep myself from drowning in that endless pit of pain. It might sound like I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. I feel Myer's hair brush my cheek and jump. He whispers, "You should stop bouncing up and down. People are staring." I didn't even know I was bouncing, but I stopped. I wonder if things will be the way I remember. It's been so long, so long since I've seen the sunlight burning my eyes, the beautiful colors all around me and the actual faces of the people I love and know. I just hope it's as good as I think.

It's been 3 hours since I took off my blindfold. It's gorgeous. That's all I can say, absolutely gorgeous. I just want to take it all in and have the colors flow through me like blood. The first thing I saw was my mother's face. And I now know of the affection everyone always told me that radiates off your mother's face. Her brown eyes shimmered with tears. Her pink lips trembled, and she formed a small word from her elegant mouth, "Rori." But what stood out most was the love that shined so clearly and so brightly I wanted to rush up and hug her. Which is exactly what I tried to do, except I got caught in the hospital sheets. Then Myer pushed through all the doctors, worry lining his face much like my mother. He's almost just like I imagined. His brown hair curled up near his ears. His green eyes twinkled and his mouth broke into a grin when he saw me. I smiled back, shocked that he only looked 17, about a year older than me. I guess I looked a bit tired because the doctors gave me some 'alone' time where I walked out on the nature preserve where mother had took me before. And let me just say, if you ever though you knew beauty before, you were wrong. Nothing was more beautiful than this. There was so much to take in that I stood in the same spot just staring. The trees danced with life. The red and brown leaves lazily drifted to the ground. The tiny chipmunks and squirrels scurried up the bark, a bird hid behind a bush pecking at bits of food only it could see, and finally the sun shined so bright and so beautiful it blinded me. It was my light, the light of a new beginning. Before I even realized it, tears began to slide down my cheeks as gently as the wind. They plopped silently into the dirt, mixing in with everything else, and leaving me feeling breathless with wonder. I wanted to record it all before I forgot, but I don't think I can forget this. It's weird almost; I don't remember nature being so brilliantly amazing when I could see before the incident. It used to just be the background of the city, just something that my eyes would pass over. But I realized I was wrong, the city is the background for the nature. The nature is the true art, because it's where the most wonderful things are discovered.

I've taken a break from school to get a bit more adjusted to my surroundings. I finally saw my eyes yesterday in the mirror. I quite like them to be honest. They're a bright hazel with flecks of green in them and mom said they look just like granddads'. I don't like the dimples in my cheeks though, they make me look like a chipmunk. Also mom took me to get a haircut today, the lights were way too bright for me and the lady was too cheerful. But she was very good at cutting hair. My hair used to be a giant, long tangled mess because I never really saw the point in combing it when I couldn't see it. After she cut in though it rested nicely around my shoulders in wavy thick layers. Apparently this is what a normal teenager does and it wasn't so bad.

The most weird thing happened today. I was sitting in the kitchen eating some noodles when my head felt like exploding. It was the most painful thing I've ever been through that I remember, but before I could even scream it was gone. As fast as it came, it went, but it still left behind a small throbbing sensation reminding me I hadn't imagined it. I don't know what to do, I can't tell mother, not after all the pain she's already had. But it can't be anything too bad, can it?

I don't know how to say it but here it is. I was talking with Myer yesterday and he started asking me what it felt like after the surgery. I knew I couldn't tell mom, but maybe Myer would understand. It'd happened 2 more times already and I was getting kind of worried. So I told him. I told him all the amazingness of the surgery first, and then I slipped in that I'd been getting these headaches. I didn't know how'd he'd react but I never thought he'd stand up and force me into a cab to the hospital. When we finally got out I punched him in the arm, " What's it with you! Sheesh!" But he just mumbled under his breath like a psychopath. Then we walked into the hospital and he charged into his dad's office where the doctor, Mr. Meson was talking with Myers dad."You said there'd be no side effects," he growled. His dad looked shocked but the doctor turned pale. "Um..Rori, could we talk to you privately please?" he said. I stared blankly at him, then reached for Myers hand. " He's staying," I declared. The doctor just nodded and Myer sort of grinned. I hope his head doesn't get too swollen by his ego, but he'd been the reason I got to see, so I owed him...a lot. I listened to the doctor and my own face started to pale by the minute, and I knew I was squeezing Myers hand a little too much. To sum it up, I'd be getting splitting headaches while the surgery sets in, and I won't be able to grow taller, which I didn't think had anything to do with my eyes but how could I know? And finally, my life expectancy would be shortened by about 10 years. I thought I'd be mad or at least start crying, but I couldn't. I knew it was bad, but nothing's perfect. All I could think of was that even though I wouldn't live as long, I'd still be able to see true beauty in the time I did have. Even if I could go back and change my decision, I wouldn't. Because I'd rather live my life happily for a short amount then live long in misery. But obviously Myer didn't think so because he literally lept up at the doctor and probebly would have done something not too good if his dad and I hadn't jumped on him at the same time. "Myer calm down! If I'm fine with it, so should you!" I screamed. He breathed heavily, stared at me and just left. I watched as the door slammed shut and turned around to the doctor. His eyes looked like he actually cared, but not about me, about his experiment. What would happen to his beloved surgery if I didn't cooperate? "You don't have to worry, I don't mind. I'm just glad I can see again," I told them. "But you should know, if you thought I could stop Myer I won't be able to stop my mom" And then I left.

Telling my mom the news was terrible. She stared at me with those huge eyes and then started to cry. It wasn't loud messy sobbing, but silent tears that streamed down her cheeks. Some reason that was even worse. She said that somehow it was her fault, which made no sense. When she calmed down she got up and said, "we'd sue those disgusting people". So I had to stand in front of her and tell her that I was perfectly fine with it, which I was. I told her I'd rather live happily for a short time, than be miserable for a long time. Her lips trembled but she didn't say anything. She nodded and went up to her room. Why is it that the people I love are the hardest to explain too?

I've been thinking if I'm not going to live long I want to leave my mark. Which is probably really cliché but I don't care. Ever since I got my eyesight back I want other people to know about it. So I found this program here in downtown where they want people to come and speak to disabled children. So I signed up to speak about my surgery and how it's helped me. I want to start out small and hopefully do bigger things later on. The best part is it's held at the nature preserve here. I really hope it helps the kids and myself.

First of all, I'm sorry I haven't recorded in so long but I have big news. I'm leaving. A few weeks ago when I went to go speak at the nature preserve I felt extremely nervous but when I got up on the stage the only thing I saw was despair, and pain. Everywhere I looked, the eyes bore into me so sad and lonely, just like how I used to be. I knew I had to find a way to help them, a way to rescue them. I had written a speech about the surgery and what it did, but I tore it up right there and spoke from my heart. I told them how much it had hurt to be so different, to feel the pity of other, and to think I'd never find happiness. I told them that life isn't perfect and probably won't get better for a while. I told them how nature had been my only friend and how I thought I'd never find someone who actually cared. But then I found Myer who'd opened my eyes, both literally and symbolically, how he'd made me feel like the world wasn't so bad. Then I told them about my mom, how she'd been there all along but I never knew it. How she'd loved me till the very end. I told them it does get better, but you just have to wait and have patience, because someone out there will open your eyes for you. I explained to never give up and to believe that out there someone is looking out for you. There is someone who cares. I poured all my emotions and feelings into that speech and in the end I was crying, and so was the audience but not from sorrow, from joy. Joy that it would get better eventually, and that there was hope. When I was done I felt so great that I decided right then that this is what I was gonna do to make a difference. I was about to run home when I ran smack into Myer. He was standing there staring at me, wide eyed. I realized he'd heard the entire speech. He smiled kinda shy and I hugged him really tight. He hugged me right back and I told him my plan. " I'm coming too." He exclaimed. "Ok," I replied. He looked stunned. "You're not gonna argue," he wondered. "Why would I? I want you to come and I planned it from the beginning. You're coming whether you want to or not." Then I looked up at him and whispered, "Thanks." He grinned at me then winked saying, "Any time you're in need I'll be there." We both jogged home and I told mom. Basically we're going to travel the world. I'm going to look up other places with disabled kids like me. I'm going to go speak to them like I did here. I'll go and help build nature preserves all around. I'm gonna make a differnce. The only problem was the money. But mom grinned all evilly and marched us to the hospital. She charged into the doctor's office, grabbed him by the collar and grumbled, "You will pay for the expenses I tell you or I will make your life a living hell. You got that?" The doctor gulped and nodded. Note to self: Never get my mom angry. Well, before I end this entry I wanna say something: someone once told me that there's no such thing as a miracle and I used to believe them. But let me tell you something: Never ever say there isn't such things as miracles, because they do exist. They're just waiting to be discovered.
-Rori Grande

Epilogue: 7 years later...

Recording 057:
  This will be my last recording. I know I haven't recorded in 5 years and 7 months, but life has been a giant roller coaster. First of all the doctor lied. He told us that my headaches would have reduced four years after the surgery, and be gone after six. I still have headaches and have to take pills from time to time to keep them in check. My body is slower than the usual 23 year old, and my hands shake once in a while. I'm still 5'7 though. On the bright note, my career is going great. We have added 14 nature preserves around the world, and have spoken in 287 disability centers. It's beyond amazing every single time. Myer finally proposed five months ago, so I've had this huge smile on my face for about...five months. Mom started teaching at Monroe's Medical Center. It's only for senior citizens so mom also gets to relax a lot and she's finally truly happy. We got a new apartment in Texas and mom gave me the best surprise imaginable. The apartment has a small garden growing in the back, and after a whole lot of care it's absolutely stunning now. We have grape vines wrapping around the fences, and apple,lemon, and orange trees shading over our cream colored swing set. Myer build a small bench for us to sit on, and even though it's down right ugly, it's very comfy and I love it. It's the perfect place to unwind, and my headaches lessen when I sit in the tickling grass where the wind leaves me breathless, with my cocoa colored hair tangling up like vines, and making my cheeks burst of color from where the sun hits them. I can almost feel the nature blooming around me. Another thing the doctors lied about, was how long I'd have to live. They said my life would be shortened by 10 years, but it's actually 15 years...for the least. I got this giant migraine about three weeks ago and we visited a neurologist. He put me through a few tests and said the doctors had gotten the facts wrong. On another topic, my recordings are being sold to local hospitals. They are duplicating them and sending them to other disabled kids to see my experience 'first hand' as they call it. This week I have four more centers to speak at, another nature park design to create, start planning parts of my wedding, do my medications, go to the doctor to check my headaches, and take time aside to relax in the garden. I could not be any happier.