“Alexia! You’re late again!

“I’m coming, calm down” I don’t want to go to school, what’s the point anyway? They all make fun of me, and I barley learn anything anyway. Crap, where’s my hoodie? “Mom! So you know where my hoodie is?”

“Yea, I washed it, you wear the thing every day, wear something else”
Crap, I need that hoodie; I don’t have any other long sleeve shirts. Ummmmm, bracelets, that’ll work. I hope no one notices. They look horrible, I wish I didn’t do this to myself, but at least I feel when I do. Okay, clothes? Check Backpack? Check. No breakfast? Check. Fake smile? Check.

“Ready mom!”

Dear diary,
I don’t get why my mom is so obsessed with me going to school, I mean it’s not that big a deal, I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to live to see the end of it. Anyway, I can’t believe Eric! I mean seriously, I cried at lunch, and that’s enough to make him break up with me? I really think that everyone is giving up on me, I really do. But no one knows how bad this life is for me. Not even Marissa and she’s closer to me than anyone. I hope I get better
~Alexia

For once I got up on time, it’s a miracle! Ha just kidding, wait, why am I saying this to myself, I know no one can tell what I’m thinking, thank god, ‘cause if they knew what I was thinking they would do something stupid, like save me. Finally, Friday at last! No school for 2 days, I can sit at home and cut or not eat and no one get suspicious about it. They wouldn’t understand that I do this to feel alive; they’ll just think I’m an attention seeker. I mean, who wouldn’t anyway? It’s the most common conclusion as of why a person cuts. I need to stop thinking about that; I need to act happy for school. I know I can make it through today, that’s all I have to do, get through the day without crying.

“Alexia! Come get breakfast!”

“Not hungry!”

“Okay, more for me!”

Ugggggg, she knows I don’t eat breakfast, I never do, and I haven’t in years. Where is my backpack? I swear if hunter messed with it ima kill him this time. Oh, here it is, stupid cat got in it again. I wonder if I could just end all the pain with some pills or a gun. That’d be nice, but no, I’d just be looking for attention and that would be hell for me if I failed.
*BEEP BEEP!*

I guess Marissa is here, better go, thank god my mum doesn’t have to take me, that’d be torture. Keys? Check.

“Hey!”

“Hey Marissa, what’s up?”

“Not much, just driving you to school”

“Thanks by the way, my mum would just annoy the crap outta me”

“You’re slipping into your accent again”

“Damnit!”

“Ha, cuss words sound funny in a British accent”

“I know, aren’t you used to it yet?”

“No, sorry”

“I’ve known you for 3 years, how is it not normal to you yet?”

“I don’t know”

“Whatever, how’d you do on your test?

“What do you think?

“You either aced it or bombed it”

“Right-o! The correct answer was aced it!”

“We’re still in my driveway”

“Mom, let’s go!”

Oh god, why is she looking at my arm? I’m pretty sure the bracelets cover it up, but if I check I will look suspicious. Please don’t notice, please don’t notice, and please don’t notice.

“What happened to your arm?”

S***, ummmmmmm “just a scratch from the cat, I’m fine”

“Okay”

She doesn’t buy it; she just doesn’t want to talk about it. What if she tells the counselor, or my mum? O my god I don’t want to imagine what could happen now. Um, I’m going to have to think of a better excuse for anyone else who asks. Um, I fell and scraped up my arm? No, it’s to parallel for that to be believable. I don’t know what ima do. I just have to hope no one else notices. Crap she s been talking to me. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“You need to get outta the car, we’re at school.”

“Oh, sorry” I hope she doesn’t say anything about my arms; I didn’t want anyone to find out about it. If the school finds out they’ll tell my mum, she’ll kill me, just say I’m an attention seeker. That’s what everyone will think. They’ll all say that I just want attention and that I’m a stuck-up b****. I really hope no one else finds out. I hope Marissa forgets.

“So, what really happened to your arm?

“What do you mean? I told you.”

“I can tell it wasn’t the cat, your cat is de-clawed.”

“Damnit, you’re a good detective”

“So, what happened?”

Should I tell her? She might tell somebody. Wait, no she wouldn’t, she’s my best friend, and she’d think I just need someone to be there for me, she wouldn’t tell anyone. I should make her promise not to anyway. “Okay, but you have to promise to not tell anyone at all, I mean ANYONE not the counselor, my mum, your mum or dad, promise?”

“I swear on my and my best friend’s grave.”

“I did it to myself”

“You cut yourself??? Why?”

“I just felt so numb, like my heart isn’t beating, the blood proves that it is.”

“Why would you feel numb? You have an awesome life”

“Far from it my friend, I just never tell anyone”

“You can tell me anything, you know that”

“I was scared you wouldn’t want to be my friend if I told you”

“I would never do anything like that, please, just let me know when something happens, promise?”

“Promise”

“Okay, well I better get to class, bye!”

“Bye.” Well at least she won’t tell, or leave. She might be lying, but I’m pretty sure I can trust her; she’s never lied to me. Ummmm 31 1 13 and open. For once my locker actually opened. Oh god, here comes Eric.

“Hey b****!”

“What do you want Eric, I’m busy.”

“Wow, see guys she does have a math book, to bad she doesn’t learn from it”

“Can you shut up?”

“Can you stop being so ugly? Thought not”

Why is he such a jerk? I can’t believe I dated that idiot. What class am I going to? Oh yea, band. Damnit! I forgot to practice last night, oh well; I’ll just practice extra tonight.

Lunch, finally. I don’t have to sit through lectures for 30 minutes. I just hope I can get through lunch without anyone messing with me. I’m just going to sit alone so I can write in my diary. Here’s an empty table.

Dear Diary,
Well he’s moved from ignoring me to being a jerk to me. I really don’t see why he is so mean to me; I never did anything to him. I mean seriously. I cried at lunch, that’s enough to make a person to hate me? Oh well, I failed my vocabulary test yesterday, my mum is going to kill me if she finds out, literally. I wouldn’t care anyway, but she would. Its lunch and surprisingly no one has said anything mean to me.

“Ohhhhh! What’s this? A diary?”

“Give it back Eric!”

“Ohh, what’s this? I love Eric; we’re perfect for each other. You wish b****. You’re too ugly for someone to love you”

“Eric, just give it back”

“Fine”

Why is he such a jerk? Whatever. How can he say I’m too ugly for someone to love me? He dated me. Well, he’s right. He’s the only bf I ever had. Probably the only one I’ll ever have. I wish Marissa was in my lunch, I wouldn’t have to sit alone, I’m tired of it, and it’s so boring. I have to walk home today, ugh I hate walking. No I don’t I have time to think, well that’s not always a good thing, but who cares. I better get to class; I don’t want to be in the hallway when they are all changing classes, just another opportunity to get bullied.

Heyy Kitty Kat”

“Heyy Marissa, what’s with the nickname?”

“Well, you always act like a cat and Alexia is too hard to say.”

“Please, if anything, I’m like a turtle”

“How so?”

“I always hide in my shell, otherwise known as my hoodie”

“You’re not wearing your hoodie today”

“My mum washed it”

“It probably needed it, you wear it everyday”

“True, very true”

“Omg, guess what!”

“What?”

“Ben’s single”

“Okay?”

“You’ve had a crush on him for a while”

“Yea, but I doubt he likes me”

“Why wouldn’t he? You’re awesome, he’d be outta his mind to not like you”

“Yea right, I think he’d be outta his mind to like me”

“Why do you say that?

“I’m ugly and fat”

“No you’re not, why do you think that?”

“Eric says I am, so do a lot of people”

“Forget them, and fat girl’s rock, they have bigger boobs”

“You’re crazy, with a k”

“Crazy starts with a c”

“Not if you’re crazy”

“Ha-ha, I get it, lol”

“We both crazy”

“Yes, yes we are”

“You want to come over?”

“I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend, sorry”

“It’s ok”

“Bye”

“Bye!”

I better start walking rather than stare at her, wait, why am I staring at her? She walks really fast, ok she’s like halfway down her street, ima start walking. I wonder if she would miss me, she’s more like a sister than anything, but would she actually miss me? Why would anyone miss me? Not much to miss, I mean really, I can’t ever do anything right, I can’t even be interesting enough to keep a boyfriend. Why should I think Marissa won’t get tired of me? Everyone does at some point. I’m surprised she hasn’t yet. I mean I get why they get tired of me, I’m stupid, worthless, fat, annoying, and good for nothing. I get it. No one can really like me for me, not the mess I really am. Not the girl who’s hidden behind my fake smile, no one knows the real me, that’s good though, that way I won’t hurt anyone when I leave. They won’t miss me, no one will. I know that for sure.

Dear Diary,
I don’t think anyone would miss me, no, I know they won’t miss me. I don’t get why I feel this way, I know everything they say is true, but how did this start? When I was little I was so care-free, what happened? Why is life so hard? I don’t get it, everyone has a great life. Ok I know that isn’t true; there are people who have it worse than I do. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have pain in my life. I know so many people have it worse than me, that just make me feel guilty about having the feelings that I have; it doesn’t make me feel better in any aspect at all. I wish the thoughts would go away, but if I asked anyone for help they’d either tell my mum or think I’m attention seeking. You, my sweet diary, are the only thing I can spill my feelings to. You won’t judge me. I miss when I wasn’t afraid to talk to my mum. I don’t know why I’m scared to talk to her, I just am. I also don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know how to describe how I feel. It’s like I’m trapped inside myself. I’ll be happy for a moment, and then the sadness washes over me. That’s what it’s like, drowning, but I’m still breathing. It’s as if everyone around me knows how to swim and I don’t. Whenever I come up for air the tide pulls me back down. I’m stuck under the water, but somehow I’m still alive. It hurts to breathe, so much that I wish I wasn’t. That’s what’s happening; I’m drowning in the sea of depression.
~Alexia

I wish someone could read my diary, so they would realize how horrible I feel, but I don’t want attention. I want to die, but I don’t want attention, which is what most people will think I want. I wish I could just go, I wish it were that simple. But it’s not, not even close. I wonder though, how easy it is. To just take a knife to my throat, pills to my mouth, gun to my head, my body to a cliff. Maybe it wouldn’t be that hard. No, I can’t do that, I just can’t. Oh god, why am I crying. I need to tell her, I can’t just not tell her that I’m going. I’ll just text her. “I can’t take it anymore. At first it was that I just wished people would just stop being mean to me, now I just want to die, I really just want to die.”
Was that a good thing to send? Probably not, I shouldn’t have done that. Now she’s just going to worry about me. Why did I do that? How could I be that stupid? Crap, she’s texting back, what am I going to tell her? “R u ok?” Really? I send you something that says I want to die and you ask me if I’m ok. “No, I really just want to die, I can’t take it anymore” I need to end this convo with her; I don’t want her to get worried. “Alexia, please think this through, so many people would miss you” no one would miss me “Like who?” “Me! Your mom!” I should just end the convo “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I get a little carried away when I’m upset gtg” now she’s going to worry about me, great. Whatever, she’ll get over it. I don’t get it, I feel fine now, ok not exactly, I’m just not crying. I wish I hadn’t done that, she’s probably going to leave like Eric did when he found out. I hope she doesn’t do that, I would die, no doubt about it. I can’t live without her. It’s that simple. I guess I’ll try to get some sleep; I might as well, got nothing better to do.

I hate getting up, there’s no point in it. I might as well sleep all weekend. I mean, no one will really care. I’m at my dad’s house so I can’t go to Marissa’s house. Ugh I’m going to be so bored. I wonder if my dad would care. He doesn’t seem to right now. If I just disappeared, would he care? Probably not, why would he? Why would anyone? Why do I keep thinking like this, I need to stop it won’t solve anything. Maybe it would. I wouldn’t feel sad anymore, I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone anymore. I would just be gone, plain and simple. No more pain, no more sadness, no more hate. Think about what else would be gone though, the happiness, Marissa, vacations, singing, band. I would lose everything, but would that be such a bad thing? I wonder if people would be happy if I killed myself. People like Eric and his friends. Would they be happy? Probably.

“Alexia! Get up!” well he’s happy. He probably made breakfast. Yay food. I’m not even hungry. Where are my headphones? Oh yeah in my bag. C’mon you stupid IPod, you know what I want to listen to. Lullaby.

“Well I know the feeling, of finding yourself stuck out on a ledge. And there ain’t no healing from cutting yourself with the jagged edge---”

“Alexia stop singing!” I wasn’t even singing that loud but whatever. I wish I didn’t have to come here. What’s the point anyway? I’m here for like two, three days and all I do is listen to music, eat sleep and use the restroom. If I were at Marissa’s I would at least be talking, here I’m just left alone with my thoughts, just like I am at home. But at least there I can distract myself. Here I have nothing to do except sit on the computer all day. Weekends are supposed to be fun, spent with friends. Staying up all night doing whatever. That’s a weekend, this, this is a prison. Pretty much, I just sit here trapped in my thoughts. They’re going to kill me some day. Maybe that’s a good thing though. I’d rather die knowing than for it to be sudden. Maybe my journey should end early. Maybe I’m supposed to die young. That might be why my feelings don’t make any sense. Maybe I should just go, end this confusion. But what if my purpose is more than that? What if I’m supposed to do something amazing with my life? I doubt I could do anything great though. I’ll just be forgotten not too long after I die. Not much to remember, at least not at this point. But maybe that will change. Maybe after all of this struggle something great will happen and I just need to get through it. Maybe this is just a test, and I need to pass it. Just like a test at school. Maybe that’s why I’m here. Maybe everyone is here for a reason we don’t understand. Perhaps it’s as if we are in a movie, everyone’s life is planned out, like the parts in a movie. Maybe our life will be what’s planned for us unless we decide to change it. Maybe I’ll feel like this until I make a choice to change it.

“Finally back at school” wow, I can’t believe I actually said that. Well it’s better than being at my dad’s house.

“I know right!”

“Oh my god Marissa, you are such a geek”

“Shut up!”

“Well, it’s true”

“True, very true”

“I’m not ready for my test today” I’m never ready for tests, but somehow I always pass.

“What is your test in?

“Math, dreaded math”

“I love math”

“I know, you’ve told me a million times, we’ve been friends since 5th grade, how could I not know”

“I don’t k now, you could’ve forgotten”

“Maybe I would’ve if you’d stop reminding me”

“Sorry”

“I was being sarcastic” for some reason that sounded weird. Why is she laughing at me? Did I stutter? “What’s so funny?”

“You’re talking in an accent”

“Crap!” oh my god, I thought I got rid of that horrid British accent. I absolutely hate it, everyone made fun of me for it, and I can’t believe it came back.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine, it’s pretty cool.”

“Yea, until someone starts making fun of me for it”

“No one will make fun of you for it, I promise”

“And if they do?”

“I’ll buy you a cookie”

“Make it a bracelet and deal”

“Fine, a bracelet”

“Ha-ha, you didn’t say what kind of bracelet”

“I don’t care”

“Dangit! I thought I got you”

“Nope, I don’t care what type of bracelet, I just like bracelets”

“So a friendship bracelet that I made out of string would work?

“Yepp”

“Cool, just kidding, I don’t know how to make bracelets”

“I do”

“That’s cool, can you make me one?”

“Sure, what colors?”

“What do you have?”

“I’m not sure, I’ll call you when I get home and tell you”

“Okay, I better get to class”

“Okay, bye!”

“Bye!”

I wonder if she knows how much I need her. It sounds weird but it’s true. I couldn’t take it if I lost her. I’ve lost so many people in my life, friends, Eric; I just wouldn’t be able to do it. It would send me over the edge. I don’t think she would do that though. She’s so sweet and awesome. She’s an outcast like me. I wish I wasn’t an outcast, but I’m not going to wear fake tans and crap like that just to get friends, I wish people would like me for me. But no one ever will, why would they? Marissa does, but no one else does. She sees how fun I can be, not how ugly or fat I am. She gets that I love to be with friends and everything like that. But she doesn’t know how upset I get; she can’t find out, no one can. I can’t let them, they won’t understand. They’ll just say I’m pretty and smart, but I don’t want to be lied to. I know the truth; I know how horrible I am. A lot of people do, but they will lie to me if I tell them how I feel. They will think they are complimenting me, but I hate lies. I’m not pretty, I’m not skinny, and I’m not smart. But they will tell me I am. I just can’t let them know how I feel.

Alexia, don’t even try to make excuses, I know what happened to your arm.”

“I didn’t cut on my arm, I swear”

“You said you didn’t cut on your arm, you didn’t say in general”

“I meant I didn’t cut”

“You can’t change what you said”

“Look, I’m sorry, I cut on my leg, my mum has been checking my arm”

“The point of that is for you to stop, not find different places to cut!”

“Why are you so mad? It’s nothing new”

“Because you used to not be like this!”

“Okay, people change; it’s a part of life”

“You used to love life, you were always happy and care-free”

“Yea, when I was like five, do you know how hard it is to hold all of this in? To go everyday of your life trying to hold in tears 24/7. To never have anyone to talk to. To always feel like you are alone, not able to tell anyone?”

“You can talk to me you know that, why are you crying?”

“Because I go through everyday trying to decide on whether I should kill myself or not. I feel like I have a giant hole where my heart belongs. I feel as if I’m already dead. For me cutting shows me that I’m alive, but I don’t want to all the time anymore. I sit at home in the dark alone trying to figure out if I have a reason to be alive, and right now my life seems pretty freaking worthless. And I’m just done.” I shouldn’t have hung up, she might get worried. Wait, why would she care, she’s mad at me. She won’t care no one will. I’m done, I’m doing it. Paper pen, ready

Should I have gotten mad at her? No, I shouldn’t have, I know she’s going through a lot right now. I should call her back.

“Hey, you’ve reached Alexia, sorry I didn’t answer but leave your name and number and I will try to call you back”

I guess I can try again, she couldn’t have gotten busy that fast

“Hey, you’ve reached Alexia, sorry I didn’t answer but leave your name and number and I will try to call you back”

Wait a minute, it didn’t even ring, and she never turns her phone off. Crap, what if she tried? What if she tried and succeeded? Crap, I need to get to her house, now.

Okay, she’s not in her room, wait what’s this on the desk? A note?

Dear whoever finds this,
I’m so sorry that it came to this, I was just absolutely miserable. I’m not going to say how I did this. Whoever you are, tell my best friend I love her, please, she needs to know that this wasn’t her fault. If you want to know why I took own life, you need to look at what happened behind closed doors.
~Alexia

Oh my god, where is she? The bathroom if she’s not in here that’s where she has to be. “Alexia! What are you doing?!?” at least I got here before she tried; I need to get the pills away from her, something like that.

“Please, please just let me”

“No, Alexia, I’m not going to let you do this, I care about you, your mom cares about you, Eric, your teachers, you dad”

“Please, I want to die, I just want to die”

“No, even if you try you won’t die; I called 911 and your mom.”

“Why, why did you do that? I want to die, I’ll be happy if I die”

“No, you won’t, you’ll be gone and so many people will be devastated”

“Please, just let me die”

“No, Alexia, give me the bottle”

“Please”

“Give them to me”





“I’m so sorry”

Three years later………………
Dear Marissa,

I gave you a big hug, I remember that day clearly, unfortunately. I now realize how much of a mistake that was. Life definitely got better. You are still my friend, I have an awesome boyfriend, and I can drive. How much I would’ve missed if you hadn’t saved me. I’ve been free from cutting for two years and 135 days. South Carolina is amazing; I miss you so much though. I couldn’t come up with the courage to say this in person, I would cry. But I really need to thank you. You were always there for me no matter what. You saved me. I wouldn’t be here writing this to you if you hadn’t done what you did. You’re an amazing person, remember that. I’m sorry I wasn’t always there for you; I was too caught up in my own issues to realize how much you needed someone to care. I can’t wait to see you when school starts again, I miss you so much, and you’re coming with me next year. I need help with my program anyway, it takes a lot to show someone that they can get better and you know that first hand. I love that I survived what I did because now I can help others who feel like I did. I met this one girl today, she was refusing to swim with her family, I asked her why and she took off her hoodie. She was covered with cuts and scars. I started talking to her and now we are good friends. I hope she gets better. To me her whole family seemed so happy I wondered why she was so depressed, but then I remembered why you felt that way about me. You never know what happens to them if they don’t tell you. Well, I have to go, it’s like 3 am.
~Alexia

I’m not ashamed of what I did to myself. I probably should be but I’m not. It made me stronger; it made me a better person. We all have scars. They might not all be visible, but they’re there. Scars can be physical, emotional, or mental. In a few years someone might look at me and they will only see what I did to myself, my physical scars. But they will not see all of the pain I’ve endured. They will not see all the struggles I’ve been through. They won’t see all the worthless, hopeless, and hatful feelings I had for myself. I know I’m not the only one who is like this. I know because of what I do. I have made it my mission to help kids who feel like I did. I might still be recovering, but I am going to help anyone I know that is like this. I know not to judge a person because you don’t know where they come from. You never know what happens behind closed doors.