has your heart ever felt so torn apart that you dont even have the strength to cry? the pain just builds up but you physically cant let it out so it continually overwhelms every inch of your body, while you are unable to move. the pain moves to your stomach, but you cant throw it up. after the dry heaves, the hurt forces its way out as your eyes slowly start to leak, stream down your face, drip onto your lap.
the overwhelming depression attacking your muscles and eyes keeps you lying down, but the whirling anxious thoughts make your head feel like its about to explode.
the benzos dont make you forget about it. but instead paralyze your body so you dont do something to make the pain worse. it stops you from going to his house, from pacing around your room calling him, or even from being lucid enough to think about him. it is better to be numb in my legs, mind, and heart than to think about him for one more moment.
somehow the worries are fading. try to stay relaxed and remember all the things from group therapy, dr A, and dr M. channel that wisdom to the rational part of your mind, if it is still working. you are stronger than you think.
add a melatonin at this point, if you are not yet sleeping. in general, consciousness is a s***ty time. some people are afraid of death, well im afraid to be alive.
people think i sleep a lot because i am tired. i am in fact not tired. sleep is the only time i dont have to face the worries and anxiety that haunt me throughout the day. sleep to me means a period of unconsciousness where i am not affected by the evils of the world and harshness of reality. so, instead of getting hooked on drugs, or self harm, or make someone else feel bad, i simply go to my escape, the unconscious state called sleep. you dont have to be tired, to want to go to sleep.