Act I-Scene 1. H.O.T. Lunch at HSHS in 3700s.


Enter STEPHY.

Stephy.

Exhale. I know I bombed that test. Wherefore doth we take tests? Fie! Hie me hence with such burdens, and be fain conversational.

[Enter MADI, KAITLIN, & DYLAN]

Kaitlin. Ho! Art thou tired and weak of this long week?

Stephy. Yay. Anon, I want to go outside for lunch. I pray thee would fain hie hence with me.

Madi. Ug, dost we have to? We just hied hither! I'm tired of those stairs.

Stephy. Thou art weak when thou doth lacrosse?

Madi. Yes, marry.

Kaitlin. Mark my words...we art weak and tired, and...

Stephy. Oh, come thee! We only go down & thee only have to bring thy book bags! Please can we hie hence anon?

Madi. Just stop. Thou art just a frothy rump-fed foot-licker.

Stephy. What?!

Kaitlin. I have to agree. Yay, marry.

Stephy. What? How could thee...

Kaitlin. Thou art an artless dog hearted coxcomb!

Madi. Marry, thee art always putting thy self eve us...

Stephy. What? I am not dog hearted! I just want thee to...

Kaitlin. Yes, thee art. You are a bootless clay-brained bugbear! Always an infectious ill-nurtured apple-john going around spreading thy disease. Hark, thou always get what you want when you tear up!

Maid. Thou art churlish, dog hearted, & whey-faced when we don't become indulgent. We art thy friends and wilt not become thy servant!

Stephy. I art not of thy words!

Dylan. Thou art marry.

Stephy. Wait, what art thou stating?

Dylan. Mark my words...thou art their words. Thou hath marked me many times with pink Sharpie. Thou hath spoke to me blunt.

Stephy. Thou must not be serious.

Madi. Stop being a vain beef-witted varlot. Mark me. Thou hath tried breaking me from my relationship. For thy own personal reasons. Thou art straight up puny, motley-minded, and hath a pigeon-egg when thee try to come out of thy shell to confront love. Thou know nothing.

Kaitlin. Stephy...thou hath been a saucy fat-kidneyed haggard coxcomb to us. Wherefore doth I just not leave you?

Stephy. What the heck!? I am not anything like that! I just want thee to go out thither than stay hither anon. Wherefore hath thou called me those things & whence? If anyone is anything, it is thee. All being spleeny, hasty-witted, & all horn-beast towards me anon. Fie! Hark, what hath happened between us? What hath I done?

Kaitlin. How would thou know?

Stephy. What? I have done nothing...

Dylan. Marry you have! I try being fain entertaining to thee to keep thee happy, but I have only created a craven onion-eyed bladder.

Stephy. What?! Dylan, thou don't make me the person I am now. Thee have only...

Dylan. Thou art a waste of my time. Thou hath been saucy to all of us.

Stephy. Saucy? I just don't know how to react. Wherefore dost call me saucy?

Dylan. Thou art for thou hath been churlish. And what doth thee mean 'how to react'?

Stephy. I...I mean to just...Dylan, hark to me. I wilt only announce this once so mark my words. Dylan...I love you with all my heart. I always have. Thou make me glad to be myself. I hath waited everyday for someone like thee. Time stands still when I am with thee. How am I supposed to doth? Hard-to-get? Straight-forward? I am not strong enough to confront thee with this. Thou hath rejected me to agree with them. I must go. I hath heard thee the first time that I am a 'craven onion-eyed bladder'. Thou doth mean it? Never mind that...I wilt take it to consideration and leave.

[Silence.]

Dylan. Not only art thou that, but a yeasty, ill-breeding barnacle. Ignorant for love & clay-brained to me. A waste to the universe. A craven onion-eyed bladder!

[STEPHY exeunts with tears. Bell rings.]