The Dangers of Listening to Nickleback
An act in one play







































The Dangers of Listening to Nickleback Character List

Stephanie Cherry: 18 year old female

Levvy Sparkle: 27 year old male

Terri Alibangbang: 16 year old male

Leah Thomson: 18 year old female

Tag Line
Poor Terri

Synopsis
Stephanie Cherry is a disgruntled librarian who is displeased with her life. Through the help of Levvy, Terri, and Leah she learns how to overcome her obstacles and fulfill her dreams of becoming a suicide hotline operator.




























Scene 1
It is a windy day in Chicago, Nevada. Stephanie Cherry is reshelving books in a library, and commenting in a loud and sarcastic manner. Levvy, a focused reader is distracted by her commentary.

Stephanie: Lame. (puts book away). Really LAME (loudly puts down the book). Wow this book is about horses, I should give it to Richard!
Levvy: Um, I’m sorry but I’m really trying to concentrate on this book, would you mind keeping it down a bit?
Stephanie: (glaring in his direction) No.
Levvy: (looking crushed) Ok.
Stephanie: You know, you are holding your book upside down genius.
Levvy: What? Maybe that’s why this is so hard. You see, I’m trying to learn how to read.
Stephanie: You can’t read? How old are you?
Levvy: Unfortunately no, I can’t read. But I want to learn so I can fulfill my lifelong dream.
Stephanie: Ok
Levvy: You aren’t going to ask what my dream is?
Stephanie: I can’t find any reason why I would possibly want to ask.
Levvy: (ignoring her answer) My lifelong dream is to be a high school English teacher. So I need to teach myself to read so I may enrich the lives of students.
Stephanie: Wow. I wasn’t even listening and that’s the most pathetic thing I’ve heard all day.

She leaves Levvy to go help a customer at the book checkout line
Stephanie: (noticing that the boy does not have a book in his hands) Are you going to check out a book or what?
Terri: I’m not much into books, but I would like to take this opportunity to check you out. (stands back and creepily glances over Stephanie’s rockin’ body)
Stephanie: Hey man, I have a boyfriend.
Terri: Well what’s his name?
Stephanie: Tristan.
Terri: Well hey girl, can I get your Twitter?
Stephanie: I’m sorry I don’t give my information to 12 year old creeps.
Terri: That’s cool babe, I don’t need Twitter, I already follow you. (winks)

Scene 2
Terri has been following Stephanie around for 30 minutes in the library, and Stephanie is extremely annoyed. Levvy is still attempting to read his book.

Stephanie: (to Terri) OMG do you ever shut up?
Terri: But babe, my love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.
Stephanie: You are revolting.
Terri: You’ll learn to love me, too. Nobody can resist this body. (flexing)
Stephanie: (sighs loudly and rolls her eyes)
Terri: Aren’t you giving into me just a little?
Stephanie: No.
Terri: Come on girl, what can I do to please you?
Stephanie: Die.
Terri: Aww, girl that hurts deep down. I think you should kiss it better.
Stephanie: Ew. Ok, you know what? You wanna see what real game looks like? Watch this.

She struts across the stage and casually leans over the table and smiles at an attractive girl. She is reading Pride and Prejudice.
Stephanie: Hey beautiful. What are you reading?
Leah: (looks up from her book) Oh, I’m reading Pride and Prejudice.
Stephanie: I see you are familiar with two sins, would you like to add one more?
Leah: (swooning) Oh um…(blushes) Maybe? Here, take my number. (she scribbles her number down on a slip of paper)

A loud sigh is heard from the adjacent table. Leah and Stephanie turn around to find Levvy emotionally unstable while still attempting to read his upside down book.

Leah: Hey, why are you so sad? It is such a BEAUTIFUL day, and there are so many reasons to smile. (Exuding happiness)
Stephanie: I cannot believe I just hit on freaking rainbow sunshine over here.
Leah: Wh-what? You mean you don’t like me?
Stephanie: I typically avoid anyone that is more cheery than a Disney Princess.
Levvy: How will I ever become an English teacher? I will never fulfill my dreams. I’m a failure.
Stephanie: Calm down. You think I have my dream job? No.
Terri: (creeps up from behind her and whispers) My dreams have come true because you’re here. Now all that needs to happen to make this moment perfect is a slight change in wardrobe.
Stephanie: Never. Going. To. Happen.
Levvy: (sobbing hysterically) I-just-want(sob)to-read(more sobs)
Stephanie: Oh Jesus. Fine! Give me that stupid book. (turns it right-side up) A-N-D. It spells AND.
Levvy: (testing out the words) Hm, AND. I’m still lost.
Stephanie: This is a waste of my time.
Leah: Here, I’ll help you. (sounds out a few words on the page) Now, you try!
Levvy: (in a nervous voice) The-the sky is blue.
Leah: You got it!
Terri: I think we can all learn something from this moment.
Stephanie: Oh great, what lame pick-up line are you going to use now?
Terri: No. I’m serious. With just a little help, this sad sad man learned a basic skill that will help him fulfill his dreams. Isn’t that what we all need; a little extra push to get past our struggles and reach for our true potential. Too often, people around the world give up the things most important to them because of a few obstacles that bring them down. Shouldn’t we all reach for our dreams? Don’t we all deserve the sweet taste of happiness? I guess what I’m really trying to say is, no matter what challenges we face, we must fulfill our potential and be reproductive.
Stephanie: Don’t you mean productive?
Terri: (stares into Stephanie’s eyes) No babe. I meant reproductive. Want to help me fulfill my potential?

The room falls silent, and all eyes are on Terri.
Levvy: I have never been so engaged, and then confused, and disappointed since the final season of Lost.
Stephanie: At one point I thought I had goose bumps, I now realize that it was my skin crawling in disgust. You are repugnant. Leave.

Terri exits the library.
Levvy: (to Stephanie) So what is your dream job?
Stephanie: Not that this concerns you, but my true calling is to be a suicide hotline operator.
Leah: OMG! Are you For real?
Stephanie:…..yea. I’m “for real”
Leah: I work for the suicide hotline company. I could totally get you a job. You can have the desk right next to mine!
Stephanie: I would really love to have the job. I may pass on the desk, especially if you are always this peppy. But I’d like the job.
Leah: Ok, the job is yours. (hugs Stephanie) We are going to be the bestest coworkers ever!

Scene 3

A few weeks later, Stephanie enters the building to her new job. She has a halfhearted smile on her face as she sits down at her desk.

Leah: Good Morning! Oh I’m so happy it’s our first day on the job together. Oh this is just the best day ever!
Stephanie: (her smile disappears) Oh great, you’re a morning person aren’t you?
Leah: No, I just consider myself an all-day person. My day isn’t right without a smile gleaming bright!
Stephanie: Ok then. I’ll take two of whatever you’re on.

The conversation is interrupted by the loud ringing of a phone.
Stephanie: Time to get to work. (picks up the phone) Hello this is the suicide hotline, please tell me all your meager problems.
Caller: What do you mean suicide hotline? There must be some mistake. You see a student’s mother gave me this number. She told me to call if I ever felt like a laugh.
Stephanie: Daannng. That’s hilarious. Well ok man, thank you for brightening up my day with this incredible burn. Bye.
Caller: Wait. Don’t go. Now I really need to talk. I’m having such a bad day. Maybe suicide wouldn’t be so bad.
Stephanie: (groans) Alright, tell me what is so horrible about your life.
Caller: I finally got my dream job of being an English teacher, and my students hate me! I get no respect from them. They think just because I read at a first grade level they are better than me. And then this student’s mom is really pretty and so I asked for her number. She seems amused, but I was so happy when she put the slip of paper in my hand. And I go home to call her…and now…now I’m talking to you.
Stephanie: (actually feeling sympathy) Ok. I know it seems bad now, but things get better. When I’m upset, I listen to music. What do like to listen to when you are down?
Caller: Well, my favorite band is Nickleback, they really understand how I fee-
Stephanie: Ok, hold up. Did you just say your favorite band is Nickleback?
Caller: Yea. I love them.
Stephanie: Wow, this situation is beyond help. Just do it.

There is a silence on the phone, and then a gunshot.
Stephanie: (announcing to Leah) I just lost one…
Leah: Oh my god that is so horrible!
Stephanie: Well, I mean, he liked Nickleback so there was nothing I could do.
Leah: That’s completely understandable. I just lost someone too. He said his inspiration is Blood on the Dance Floor. I knew at that point he was a goner.
Stephanie: Wow, maybe we are more alike than I thought. We should hang out sometime.
Leah: That would be great! But I can’t help but feel bad. Poor Terri.