He’s strong and it’s scary.

He walks slowly.

When he walks the world slows down, my heartbeat slows down, he’s walking slowly, he’s calm, I’m calm, I slow down, the noise around fades and disappears. Now it’s just you, walking slowly, like you have all the time in the world, as if you know everything and are bored. Are you bored? Is that why you walk so slowly?

Then you see me; I hate it.

I hate that you see me.

I hate it that you look so strong alone and so lost when you see me.

I hate it that when you walk alone your eyes are lost inside you, and the black iron pearls are dark, indestructible; and then when you see me they sparkle and I realize they’re made of glass.

I hate that you speed up.

Slow down again, calm me again.

But now the moment is gone. You take my hand and push open the door of the green room. You throw my backpack off my shoulders, you kiss me, I close my eyes. I’m blind. Now I’m starving and hungrily kiss you. I try to steal everything you have in you, your calmness, your strength, I want it all, I need it all. Then you pull away and tell me my eyes are beautiful and that you want me so bad. I hate it. I hate that you can’t just give me what I love about you. I hate that I can’t walk slowly, that I can’t be so calm and say the right thing every time. I hate that you like me because I love you. I hate that you will never love me like I do, maybe you’ll love me more but never like I do. You’ll never love the things about me what I love about you. You’ll never need me like I need you. You’ll never be so deeply in love with how I talk or how I act like I am with you. Your voice brings me peace your kisses take away my breath and I wish you could keep it so I would have a real reason to need you but you always give it back to me. I hate how every time I’m sure you’re going to hurt me and disappoint me … you don’t. And every time my heart shatters, it gets back together in half a second. I hate how you want to be anything for me but not everything. “I’ll be your friend, I’ll be your lover, I’ll be whatever you need,” you say. But I want it all, I want the friend and the lover and everything in between.

I want to take it slow. I am scared of you, so tall, so strong you have the power to shatter me with your pinkie.

My pinkie is red and bleeding but you don’t see that, do you? You only see my eyes, you only see my lips, my hands are hidden behind my back with all my secrets. I told you small things and you think you see right through me and gosh I wish you did. I wish I was so transparent you could see right through me, but my soul is as thick as a wall, as 100 walls that not even your strong arms can take down.

So now when I’m lost or sad I walk slowly and imagine being you, walking so slowly.

Teach me, my friend, how to walk like you.