Getting away from things is a good way to start over. However running away from your problems is not. So when people ask me why I left, I say I just wanted to get away.

Living by yourself while your life goes nowhere can be unsettling, especially when you are a 19 year old. At my age I’m supposed to be getting my life on track, enjoying young freedom, making exciting memories. Meanwhile, my life involves the exhausting cycle of; getting up, doing nothing, and going to bed. Occasionally,  I help out at Kinsers, the local bakery. But sooner or later, 2 am runs to Goodmorning Sunshine for coffee, and staring out my window at the vast nothingness whilst thinking about everything to anything, leave my life to sum up as a whooping “Wow, look where she showed up”.

day 1

Things happen in the past, for me, things stay in the past. I hoped to start over mostly to keep my sanity, partly to escape the past. So giving a call to my parents, I packed up and moved to (on the border of nowhere) Freeman, Indiana. Where my only company include Ms. Noreen, my kindest-woman-on-the-planet neighbor, and the ladies at the bakery. I live in a small (and I mean tiny two bedroom, one bath, and small kitchen) yellow cottage, with rent as low as the cute-boy population (which is nonexistent). Now clearing things up, no I’m not some boy-crazy girl who drools at the sight of any decent guy, and I also didn't leave home because of boy troubles. Surprisingly, back home boys didn't fall at my feet as I walked past. The reason for me leaving home was actually far from anything related to love, but like I said, things happen in the past.

day 2

Staying up until 2 am for coffee isn't such a bad idea. Like my usual, twice a week routine, I got into my beat up 2006 grey Honda, and headed to Goodmorning Sunshine. The lack of Freeman night-life doesn't mean much to me, besides the fact that turning on headlights this late at night will result in several complaints from strange farm wives I didn't know existed. So after six minutes of winding through silent and black roads, the thought of driving completely off the road didn’t phase me one bit. Pulling up into the parking lot it’s dark, the only light coming from the spastic red flicker of an OPEN sign. I walk in, get black roasted coffee (for here), and get out (not before having a lengthy 14 minute conversation with the 15 year old, lowly paid worker on how “Good Morning” is two words, and how the companys whole advertisement was grammatically incorrect). I get into my car (headlights still off), and sip my coffee, driving back down the same silent black roads. Park on my gravel driveway, go inside, throw away empty coffee cup, get into bed, stare at ceiling, and think.

day 3

Living in a small town, mailmen are barely necessary. He rarely stops at my house, I usually don’t get mail, who would send me some anyways? The only thing that would need to be sent to me is allowance. Yes, I’m 19 years old and I still get allowance. The only possible way my parents would let me leave was if they knew I was safe. So the 15th every month I get two envelopes in the mail, $415 from my parents, and a rent bill for $230. Same routine every month; mailman (named Regg) rings doorbell, I open door, he hands me my mail, I graciously thank him, he leaves. That’s the most human interaction I get for the day.

day 4

If you have as much free time everyday as I do, I would first tell you that you need to get a life, and then tell you how much you can do. Rule number one is: If I don’t change out of my pajamas, I don’t leave my house. Today consisted of the following; wake up, have an apple, make my bed, get back into my bed, read books, eat some Minute Rice, go to bed. As you can see, healthy food options are always my first priority.

day 5

When sweet old neighbors bring you cookies, you have to eat all of them on the spot or they will have a fuss. I didn’t expect Ms. Noreen to come over, I especially didn’t expect her to bring a basket of over 20 cookies. Our conversation went something like this:
"Oh darling, look how skinny you've gotten! Here eat some cookies before you drop dead!" said Ms. Noreen in a shaky tone.
When you live off of apples and minute rice, of course you will lose weight, but I was no where near being unhealthily thin. To avoid any alarm, I answered
"Ok ok, hand me the tray. However, while I eat, you need to tell my where you’ve been going during the day.” I’ve noticed her car being gone, sometimes she doesn’t come home until late at night.
“Oh just having daily check ups at the doctor. Nothing major.”
I almost spit out the cookie I was eating, what she had just said WAS major. I have nobody left in my life, if something happened to her, I would truly be alone.
“Well, of course that’s a big deal! Are you absolutely positive nothing bad is going to happen?”
“Honey, bad things can happen to anyone at anytime.”
“That’s not helping me with the I can’t be left alone again issue!” I practically yelled at her, emphasizing my problem. “Why are you going to the hospital?”
“My organs are slowing down, It’s old age, It was going to happen eventually” Ms. Noreen was 82 years old, I realize that all this is normal, but why aren’t they doing everything they can.
“ Why are you here?” I asked, still shocked and confused about the whole situation.
“What do you mean hon?”
“Why aren’t you in the hospital, you need to be treated.”
“We live in Freeman, this happens all the time, They just let my body do what it wants.”
“So basically the doctors told you to go home so you can die”  Wow, great knowing I’m safe here.
“It’s not like that, let’s just drop it, keep eating the cookies, and tell me what’s been happening in your life.” Ms. Noreen was never that harsh or demanding towards me, so quickly I obliged. We talked about a lot of stuff, but before I knew it, it became late, and we both needed rest. Waving goodbye, I went back to my bedroom and fell right asleep.

day 6

Big donuts led to big tips. Kinsers bakery is sweet. Simply everything about it is sweet, from the teal cushioned bar stools, to the sugary glazed donuts. I volunteer at Kinsers, so when I get up early and slave about in order to make donuts, I don’t get paid. It’s a good thing that the money isn’t why I helped, I helped because sitting in that little yellow house all day could drive you insane. So I come here, help out, and occasionally get a generous tip from the sweet, pot-bellied old men that come here for coffee and cards. I guess helping out here has its perks (not to mention the women’s gossip about who-went-out-on-a-date-with-whom).

day 7

“Snotty rich parents will never call in to check on you if you’re a brat”, that’s what I figured out today. My parents think that I moved away in some sort of “I’m independent” action, when really I couldn’t take the pressure, or the memories that surrounded me back home. Brace yourselves, for my snotty teenage girl side is emerging; My parents just don’t understand me! It’s as simple as that.

day 8

Stray cats lead to stray thoughts. Every since I’ve moved to this dreary town, I have noticed a cat that roams around the neighborhood. She looks well fed, maybe even over fed. All I know, is that she has grey stripes, that is why I call her Tiger Kitty. Tiger Kitty will eat anything, so I feed her anything. Leaving anything from soggy Mini Wheats, to mushy bananas, in bowls outside my front door. The fact that she will eat anything leads me to the thought of “why are humans so picky?”. I mean we always have to choose, Why can’t there just be one option? Nobody would have panic attacks over the smallest problems.

day 9

Loneliness killed the last sliver of hope I had left in my life. I haven’t seen Ms. Noreen in four days. That’s a millennium in my time. She could just be hiding in her house, but her lights don’t turn on at night. Today I knocked on her door, no response. So now I’m alone, and I don’t have a kind old lady to help me through it.

day 10

If Goodmorning Sunshine coffee doesn’t cheer me up, then I think I have really hit the all time low in my life. Getting out of bed hurts my heart, for all I know Ms. Noreen could be lying on her bed too. However in her case, It would be her death bed.

I still haven’t heard from Ms. Noreen. But deep in my heart, I know she couldn’t have died. She is probably baking cookies for homeless children right now.

day 11

Having high hopes in dreary situations just leads to depression. Today at 1:37am an ambulance showed up next door. I forced myself to look as they rolled a stretcher with a white sheet over it, right through Ms. Noreens front door. I guess this is real life. She is gone, and now I have nothing. My life is absolutely over.

day 12

Some wounds are so deep nothing can heal them. Everything is over, my last bond with anybody has just been broken. Not by a fight, or some kind of separation, but by the literal life ruining aspect of death. Ms. Noreen is dead, and I am slowly dying.

day 13

Death can kill. Ms. Noreen’s death killed all the good that was left in me. I realize now that I am a destruction machine. Back home I ruined everything and left other people to clean up my mess. Somehow I know I was responsible for Ms. Noreen’s death, I ruin everything, I probably ruined her life too. I am a worthless, self-absorbed, nobody who makes messes and keeps on destroying.

day 14

I ruin everything. When innocent little Tiger Kitty crept up my front steps in search of food today, I came out to join her. However she cowered in fear at the first sight of me. I get it that my hair was a mess, the dark circles under my eyes were unbelievably dark, and that my clothes were practically ruined. The undeniable stench reeking from my body might have added to the mix. But all I know is that when that cat, looked at me with pure fear, I realized that I am a terror. In frustration I threw the bowl of corn flax cereal at the cat’s head. Screaming profanities at the cat, I stomped back in my house. Now slightly damp from the drizzle outside, I went back to my bed, so I could continue to wallow in my own filth.

day 15

Baggy grey sweatpants are not acceptable for funerals. Tell me which is worse, not even remembering that you have funerals after somebody dies, or not owning a pair of nice jeans for said funeral. So here I am, sitting at home eating potato chips, while all of Ms. Noreens closest friends and family go and mourn her death. Little do they know i’ve been doing that for the last three days.

day 16

Is there a way to recover on your own? This is the question that has been fogging up my mind for the last five days. I have started to seek refuge from this overpowering depression in the little things that have made me happy in the past. Ms. Noreen’s garden is slowly coming back to life.

day 17

Time can move on. Although I’ve been here in Freeman for months, time felt almost frozen. Days weren’t painfully long, or impossibly quick. Each day was just, there. No change, yet no identical routine. Spring is coming now. Tulips are peaking up in my front lawn amongst the overgrown grass and weeds.

day 18

Adventures can be small, and still seem outgoing. I am not very open to going out of my comfort zone, especially when my comfort zone is so small. However Tiger Kitty has not approached my house since I snapped at her. So I gathered up courage, put on old hiking boots, layered up in clothes, and set out to find her. I had looked for hours in the outskirts of woods when I stumbled upon a soft bed of grass, shielded by branches. Inside of the small bed I found a tragically beautiful sight; Tiger Kitty. Surprisingly, she wasn’t alone. Around her were six or more, petite, barely moving kittens, with identical fur to Tiger Kitty. I shuffled closer to them, Tiger Kitty, along with the majority of her kittens, wasn’t moving. Time was stilled. I slowly pushed the dead kittens away from Tiger Kitty’s limp body. At the bottom of the pile sat a little kitten, it was the smallest out of all of them. Once I realized that it was still breathing I quickly tucked it in my hoodie pocket and stomped out of the woods. I knew that there were several dead kittens in there, but this was the last one living, I had to save her.

day 19

Life changing things can be small, like a flower in a dead field, a lead in a search, or an addition to a life. Tiger Kitty’s kitten and I have gotten along quite well. I’ve decided to name her Freeman. I feel that she is a little miracle in my life. She saved me from myself.

day 20

Something (such as a situation) that is made up of two opposite things and that seems impossible but is actually true or possible is a paradox. My life is a paradox; I left start over, but ended up starting over to leave. I’m probably not making any sense right now, but I have realized that there is no reason to stay here in Freeman, Indiana. The bakery ladies don’t need me badly. Ms. Noreen, well that’s self explanatory, along with Tiger Kitty. So I started packing.

day 21

Say goodbye, with your head up high, and don’t you cry. I had loaded everything up in my car, and found my phone (which had been gathering up dust from the months of it being unused). I got Freeman, and some treats for her, and told her that we are leaving. Waving goodbye to Ms. Noreen’s house, I drove up and out of the street. Going past the dark farmhouses, and avoiding cracks and potholes in the road. I pulled into my favorite parking lot, and made two important calls. The first was to the owner of my little yellow house. I explained to him that I was leaving, we discussed more details about the final rent pay, and cleaning services. Then I made the harder call. I dialed the number and waited 4 rings, then she picked up, and I talked.
“Hi Mom, I know that I left, but It’s time, I need to come home.” I heard sniffling on the other side of the call. It’s all over now. I’m am going home, everything is going to be ok. We talked, she cried, and I got out of my car.
“Hello, may I please have one black roasted coffee? Oh and it’s for the road.”