This week on Potter Watch we review the Dolphin attempt at world domination! Everyone must remember the attempt of 1973 (if you’re old enough) when a select group of Dolphins know as the Fish Eaters grew themselves legs and tried to capture the coast. Their attempt was thwarted when they realized their legs were too stubby to hold them up. Around 50 Dolphins died and so they retreated back into the seas to regroup and enslave another community of killer whales. The Sharks having been their allies for several years demanded legs when they were fixed. The Dolphins refused and the Sharks broke off the alliance. Better for us right?

And of course our REALLY old timers will remember the attempt of 1607 when the Dolphins launched the “take over the world by drowning it” operation. Luckily to our advantage Dumbledore gained information about it and informed the Ministry. The Minister for Magic at the time was Abby Green, our first woman Minister, and she took no heed of Dumbledore’s warning. This led Harry Potter’s many times great grandmother (who incidentally, is still alive in the permanent care of St Mungo’s with old age. Though last time I visited I got a whack over my head for having my shirt un-tucked) anyway, Harry Potter’s many times great grandmother who was quite the attractive 17 year old at the time single-wandedly defended the whole east coast from the cruel and unusual herd of walking Dolphins and their slaves. That must’ve been some fine magic folks!

So for a whole lot more effort than the second time (as nobody actually had to do anything the second time) the Dolphins were driven back and slaughtered (accidentally, they swam into a giant oils spill and were instantly killed after days of suffering) and the secret to leg transfiguration was lost until 1974 when the Third Fish Rebellion discovered it after their failed first attempt.

Now why were the Sharks cooperating with the Dolphins? You might ask and you would be right to wonder because a most sinister deal had been made. The Sharks, who had detested the Dolphins for generations (not particularly countless) because of the brutal murder of their King (he hadn’t actually been murdered really, he’d just gone on a vacation to the Bahamas and, due to his old age, had forgotten the way back. He seemed content to laze in the warm water there, eating easy fish for the rest of his life and die peacefully in his sleep) (it helped that he had forgotten who he was as well) and an outrage and (not much) sorrow had gripped the (Shark) population. They (showing their usual disregard for due process of law) had armed up and gone after the Dolphins, slaughtering every fish in their path. (the worst disaster since the oil rig blowout and oil spill in 1968). The Dolphins (cunning in their playfulness) eagerly handed over the Dolphin accused of the murder and, impressed by the Sharks’ display of power, offered a peace treaty. The Dolphins used word play, colorful beach balls, and Death Eater magic to make the Sharks their allies until the disagreement. (The Death Eaters erased the King Shark’s memory)

We now come to the core of the problem. Now, in 2003 the Dolphins are massing outside our borders, the Sharks are attacking anything that enters their waters, the sea bass are refusing to trade with us, and the cattle are on strike. We have hundreds, maybe thousands, of Death Eaters inside our own borders, the Ministry in You-Know-Who’s grasp, and You-Know-Who eager to form an alliance with the Dolphins and the resurrected Fish Eaters. Muggle-borns and mixed-bloods are being rounded up and blatant shows of mass muggle killings are reported on muggle news everyday! The dementors are breeding and dating and inventing dementor dating sites illegally. Mad, bad, and ugly giants are rebuilding their tribes (although I daresay you’d only need five or six to destroy the whole country) and a new line of were-wolf beauty products have hit the market! 2-for-1 sale on Ruby Red Fur Dye and Ghostly Green Fang Paint!

The world is coming to an end folks (at least Europe, maybe not China, no evil-dark-lord-who-made-Horcruxes in his right mind would want o conquer China) as I was saying, THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END people and what do we do? Stand together and fight one last battle to save the day at Hogwarts? Bring Hagrid’s half brother Grawp to fight a giant six feet taller than him? Destroy Horcruxes by breaking into Grinrotts and flying away on a blind dragon?! Realize that the tiara is in the Room for Requirement? NO!

We sit tight, chew our nails, make friends with giant eagles, elves, and dwarves, and wait while Frodo struggles through Mordor and casts You-Know-Who’s snake Nagini into the fire! (Maybe You-Know-Who as well because somehow I doubt Horcruxes will work if he burns in the fires of Mount Doom.)