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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1987 comments.

Listenntomusiceveryday PLATINUM said...
on May. 3 2015 at 9:15 pm
Listenntomusiceveryday PLATINUM, Cypress, Texas
23 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, we shall never surrender.&quot;<br /> -Winston Churchill

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Well. I just died. More than once.
Maddie17 BRONZE said...
on May. 1 2015 at 10:24 am
Maddie17 BRONZE, Gulf Shores, Alabama
2 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it&#039;s yours. If it doesn&#039;t come back, it was never yours to begin with.&quot; ~ Victor Hugo

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I can't stop laughing! X"D
casey_lg PLATINUM said...
on Apr. 19 2015 at 11:01 am
casey_lg PLATINUM, Clemmons, North Carolina
20 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;history, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.&quot; -Maya Angelou

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This is perfect and I think you are my hero now.
OfficialIzzyColon BRONZE said...
on Apr. 11 2015 at 12:38 pm
OfficialIzzyColon BRONZE, St.Louis, Missouri
3 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Do something other than killing time. Because time is killing you.&quot;

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This is the best Twilight fanfic I've ever read.
The_Edge SILVER said...
on Mar. 9 2015 at 6:08 pm
The_Edge SILVER, Teaneck, New Jersey
9 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Wisest is he who knows he does not know.&quot;<br /> -Socrates

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Brilliant. I now see why almost everyone hates this series. Thank you for summing it up in a truly awesome way.
SkyTekile PLATINUM said...
on Mar. 6 2015 at 1:01 pm
SkyTekile PLATINUM, Tetonia, Idaho
30 articles 3 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Be the change you wish to see in the world.&quot;<br /> -Gandhi

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Just.. yes. Just, yes.
LucifersPhoenix said...
on Mar. 3 2015 at 6:30 pm
LucifersPhoenix, Tea, South Dakota
0 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life isn&#039;t successful without friends and family. By: Unknown

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That was funny and nice
The_Girl_of_Many_Words BRONZE said...
on Feb. 21 2015 at 3:08 pm
The_Girl_of_Many_Words BRONZE, West Monroe, Louisiana
3 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be yourself. Everyone else is taken." - Oscar Wilde<br /> "Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand." - Mark Twain<br /> “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” - C.S. Lewis

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This is freaking amazing. Thank you.
Mo-Con BRONZE said...
on Feb. 13 2015 at 1:52 pm
Mo-Con BRONZE, Hartland, Wisconsin
4 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Our past is a story. Our future is it&#039;s sequel.&quot;

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Dear Author, I shed a tear during this paper Thank you, Mo-Con
Allen. PLATINUM said...
on Feb. 11 2015 at 5:24 am
Allen. PLATINUM, Palo Alto, California
32 articles 9 photos 525 comments

Favorite Quote:
[i]No matter how much people try to put you down or make you think other things about yourself, the only person you can trust about who you really are is you[/i] -Crusher-P

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One of the most beautiful things on this earth.
HappyEmeal GOLD said...
on Jan. 20 2015 at 8:24 am
HappyEmeal GOLD, Lahore, Other
16 articles 4 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
When life knocks you down, Dhuzzz! Just puzza back up!!!

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I DO NOT EVEN NEED TO WATCH THE MOVIES ANYMORE BECAUSE NOT ONLY DOES THIS MAKE SENSE, THE AUTHOR USED A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR TOO. LOVE ITT
LanaJ BRONZE said...
on Jan. 15 2015 at 6:21 pm
LanaJ BRONZE, Poland, Maine
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment
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Man this was good.
witchwallow said...
on Jan. 13 2015 at 7:42 pm
witchwallow, Los Gatos, California
0 articles 0 photos 37 comments
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The words the author didnt say...
RedHadan BRONZE said...
on Jan. 13 2015 at 5:02 pm
RedHadan BRONZE, New York, New York
3 articles 0 photos 53 comments

Favorite Quote:
Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find her way by moonlight, and her punishment is that she sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

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I can't, this is freaking hilarious!
Babobaby BRONZE said...
on Jan. 8 2015 at 8:47 pm
Babobaby BRONZE, Unknown, New Jersey
3 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Great. Now we&#039;re all bloody inspired.&quot;

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HAHAHAHAHAH that's hilarious!!!! Can you do something like this with the hunger games? :D
Thefanatasticagirlie101 SILVER said...
on Jan. 1 2015 at 2:14 pm
Thefanatasticagirlie101 SILVER, Euless, Texas
6 articles 0 photos 59 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our mind. That&#039;s what I hope to give you forever.&quot; ~The Notebook

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This is sooo hilarious... Great work!!!
kimberlyguzmanx SILVER said...
on Dec. 31 2014 at 5:18 pm
kimberlyguzmanx SILVER, Holbrook, New York
5 articles 0 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
The next chapter in your life, will always be more interesting than the last..

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I'm dying laughing so hard, awsome
valkyrie12310 SILVER said...
on Dec. 27 2014 at 9:01 pm
valkyrie12310 SILVER, Fort Worth, Texas
7 articles 0 photos 2 comments

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“I guess it’s true what they say," observed Jace. "There are no straight men in the trenches."<br /> "That’s atheists, jackass," said Simon furiously. "There are no atheists in the trenches.” -Cassandra Clare

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Not to be stereotypical or anything but... #TRUTH
YukiNagato SILVER said...
on Dec. 10 2014 at 8:28 pm
YukiNagato SILVER, Fredericksburg, Virginia
8 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The world is not beautiful; therefore, it is.&quot;<br /> -Kino&#039;s Journey

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The is the best version of Twilight I've read! Hilarious!!! :)
Chrissiana1320 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 13 2014 at 7:48 am
Chrissiana1320 BRONZE, Hypoluxo, Florida
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&quot;It isn&#039;t what you can do with your strength, but how you chose to use.&quot;<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> -By me, I think.

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Really Funny.