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Nightswimming
June 7, 2013
As I walk through the city
our bucolic memories haunt me
and the street lights light up my shame.
Together we were idyllic
as we pirouetted into the lake.
The trickles of water were ornate
and copied the silhouette of our bodies.
The sound of the water was my soul
and the bitter cold was knowing this couldn't last.
Still I confessed my faith in you
and moonlight provided a spark in us.
We slow danced to the silence of the woods
under stars that looked like fireworks.
As clear as a photo on my dashboard
I see you and I nightswimming in September.
I'd like to go back to Georgia
and follow the path of memories,
but they'd be rouge and slip through my pale fingers.
An abyss of the disheartened
would be our picturesque lake.
So tonight I walk through the city
and the moon reflects a quiet night
where two complex beings went nightswimming.
© Steve S., Marblehead, MA
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This article has 19 comments.
SaphiraBrightscales DIAMOND said...
on Sep. 5 2013 at 10:40 pm
This was so beautiful. And I'm not just saying beautiful because there's no other word, I'm saying beautiful because that's the only word that fits really. Every word, every line that you crafted is beautiful and that's all I can say for it. This is a VERY good poem for being your first non-rhyming. I didn't do even half as well. I am in love with your words.
laceandcoffee PLATINUM said...
on Jul. 15 2013 at 2:37 am
This is a beautiful poem and I love the tragic, dark, nastolgic feel to it.
thatunknownthing DIAMOND said...
on Jul. 6 2013 at 5:23 am
Are you serious about this being your firm non-rhyming poem? This poem amazes me! The last line of 'two complex beings' and 'the sound of the water was my soul' and great, and I really enjoyed the poem as a whole. You've got talent!
Myvoice4change SILVER said...
on Jun. 27 2013 at 7:16 pm
Aww. You did a good job of using imagery, and being descriptive. I like how you describe it as a "path of memories." This is really good
Rolledthestone SILVER said...
on Jun. 25 2013 at 3:29 pm
Well, everyone seems to have stollen my thoughts exactly so yes I'll have to be blatantly obvious and simplistic. THAT WAS AWESOME. And there you go.
Laugh-it-Out PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 22 2013 at 9:26 am
For your first non-rhyming poem, i think that you are doing pretty darn well. That was great! And sorry i took so long getting around to reading it :)) Anyway, the descriptions displayed in here are beautiful and i loved every second of it. :)) brilliant job. Keep rockin
estucker1998 PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 19 2013 at 10:26 pm
First non-rhyming poem, you say? Well, you. Nailed. It. Fantastic! The imagery was brilliant and beautiful. Word choice-perfect. It also hints at a deeper story, the wanting to go back home but not being able to. I loved that. It was deep, yet not deep at the same time. A perfect blend. Great work-as always! Keep writing!
starbucksandbrighteyes GOLD said...
on Jun. 18 2013 at 8:10 am
This poem is absolutely stunning. I love the vivid imagery, your vocabulary, the ending, just about everything! Beautiful.
SoulPoetry PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 16 2013 at 6:00 pm
ok this poem is amazing!|| Language- spot-on and superb Images- Crystal clear and beautiful Tone- extremely emotional :) This poem is just so so wonderful and it also feels like a song. :) great job!
BlackbeltJames GOLD said...
on Jun. 15 2013 at 1:23 pm
Wow, that was really good; your language was superb, and it flowed so nicely. The language and the breaking of the lines caused it to be read so softly and sweetly and it just made its self even more emotional.
The only suggestion I would make is to use a little more punctuation, especially when dropping the lines.
Very good, I hope to see more work like this (no pressure) :)
The only suggestion I would make is to use a little more punctuation, especially when dropping the lines.
Very good, I hope to see more work like this (no pressure) :)
PhoenixCrossing GOLD said...
on Jun. 12 2013 at 11:15 pm
Your vocabulary is so spectacularily advanced that I'm in love with it. With that said, the imagery was prestine as well. My only suggestion is to work with more punctuation because that can bring more emotion into the piece. Please keep writing :)
kikixkupkake GOLD said...
on Jun. 12 2013 at 11:13 pm
Okay, first I read the poem. The more I read it, the more I loved it. Each line, even though it doesn't contain much, prevails so many emotions and thoughts that you feel as if you could be the cause of the darkness and sadness. This poem is so raw and beautiful. I absolutely adore this. Next, I looked to SR your note about this poem, and what do I see? NIGHTSWIMMING BY REM!! This automatically makes me love this poem 10x more. Oh my goodness, I cannot stop rereading the lines, "We slow danced to the silence of the woods," and, "I'd like to go back to Georgia and follow the paths of memories, but they'd be rouge and slip through my pale fingers." That's so beautiful. You inspire me so much, I love the imagery and word choice. One of the best free verse I've ever read!
Wings10FeetTall GOLD said...
on Jun. 12 2013 at 9:29 am
Great job, Lexus!
WrenArrington said...
on Jun. 12 2013 at 9:00 am
I don't know exactly why I liked this, but somehow it just seemed to work. I can definitely say I liked your word choice (that tends to be the deciding factor whenever I'm reading anything). The one thing I felt could be improved was the way punctuation interfered with the flow. It seemed like it was too structured, like regular writing rather than poetry. Maybe you could just take off punctuation on the ends, or combine sentences to avoid the choppiness that can often result from too many complete stops. Still, great work :)
ZeroDarkFlirty BRONZE said...
on Jun. 12 2013 at 12:25 am
Can I have a Kleenex? Actually, more like a whole box? That was amazing! I don't think I've cried this badly reading anything in a while, so congrats! (I guess?) I'd say the poem works just fine without a rhyme scheme (although I use rhyme schemes almost religiously) and the vocabulary and emotion are outstanding. Another 5-star work!
This is my first non-rhyming poem.. I thought I'd step out of my comfort zone.