I Thought | Teen Ink

I Thought

June 5, 2011
By Branden Navedo SILVER, Oklahoma, Maryland
Branden Navedo SILVER, Oklahoma, Maryland
5 articles 0 photos 17 comments

I thought I saw a star
At the corner of my eye.
Twinkling! Or was she crying?
But at that corner lied
A little Lightning-bug.

I thought I heard the angels,
But my heart had blocked the tune;
Then right I looked, and realized,
That you were in the room.
Humming to yourself.

I thought I felt your essence;
I thought I saw you, at the corner of my eye
I thought I heard your voice,
But that was all a lie –
It was all a dream.

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This article has 4 comments.

asofnow GOLD said...
on Mar. 19 2013 at 12:26 am
asofnow GOLD, Troy, Michigan
18 articles 0 photos 208 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing gold can stay ~ Robert Frost

Aw, so short and sweet and simple as well! Good job. that's what i like bout most poetry. Short, Sweet, Simple: the 3 S's there are exceptions always thou. I liked it. 

Eirias SILVER said...
on Jul. 26 2012 at 7:05 am
Eirias SILVER, Spring, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you wish to be a writer, write" -Epictetus

Sorry . . . I still like this a lot (it is the only piece I've seen taht I've given 2 five's to) but I'm not sure if it's really the best out there . . . If I'm only going to put one piece on my favorites, It's going to have to be head and shoulders above the rest. This is just a head taller.

Eirias SILVER said...
on Jul. 23 2012 at 5:41 am
Eirias SILVER, Spring, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you wish to be a writer, write" -Epictetus

This is amazing! I REALLY must be in a good mood today . . . As of yet, I haven't favorited anything, even if I like it a lot (which is pretty rare). I am sorely tempted to favorite this, but I will wait until another day, just to make sure it isn't just because I'm in an extraordinarily receptive mood right now.

So: a few critiques--

stanza 1 line 4: I don't like "lied." Perhaps "sat" or "buzzed" or something?

stanza 2 line 3: I don't like "right" because it could mean a direction, or "correctly" and either would fit, so it is not clear which one you mean. In line 4, I would change the period to a colon or dash.

And in the last line, I would take out "It was all." My personal suggestion would be to change it to "a dreamlike fantasy," but that might be a little too specific for you.

Great Job!

on Jul. 28 2011 at 7:17 pm
thetruthawaits94 SILVER, Duncan, Oklahoma
9 articles 0 photos 351 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain.

I wish i knew exactly what this poem was about, but that is the writer's perspective I guess. you have a thing for stars, don't you? :) i noticed that in a lot of your poems you use the stars as metaphor or something like that! This is very... hmmm... how should I say this... poetic? It's great poetry though! :)