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Asthma
March 28, 2011
Asthma
Air.
It is vital. I used to take it for granted,
And the way my body works
Involuntarily
Lungs rising up, down, up down
All until
Suddenly
I was temporarily stripped of the privilege
of breathing.
It is very scary
To inhale
And find that there is nothing there.
Well, of course the air is still
THERE,
But my lungs have crumpled,
Like twin tin cans,
Out of order.
As the world spins farther out of my grasp,
And my hands, now cool and sweaty, clench like crab claws,
I want to remind you
How beautiful it is
To be able to take
A deep breath
Without having
To try.
© Dillon O., Pompton Plains, NJ
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 30 comments.
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on Aug. 25 2011 at 11:45 am
Thanks ! I agree your suggestion , I'll definitely change that line ! (: About to check out your work now ! (:
i really like this! my only advice is that the "well, of course, the air is still THERE" seems to stop the flow of the poem and you should probably consider changing the wording. My favorite part is the opening, and if you have time, please check out my work!
hallie523 said...
on Jul. 17 2011 at 9:29 pm
Your welcome! Glad I could help. :) Keep writing!
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on Jul. 15 2011 at 1:20 pm
Thanks so much for your advice ! Now that I think about it, you're right ! My next draft I'll make those changes (:
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on Jul. 15 2011 at 1:19 pm
Wow, thank you !! Gonnna check out your work now ! (:
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on Jul. 15 2011 at 1:18 pm
Thanks so much ! I definitely will (:
hallie523 said...
on Jul. 12 2011 at 7:29 pm
Really good message and emotion. Two lines (I used to take it for granted and It is very scary) are kind of simple and blunt and the wording doesn't seem poetic to me. If you changed them I think the poem would flow better. I really like it though.
ElleNicole BRONZE said...
on Jul. 11 2011 at 1:30 pm
I stumbled upon this and I thought it was very good. Well done!
Comment and rate my poem, please? Thanks!
ThisGirlWillMakeMistakes PLATINUM said...
on Jun. 20 2011 at 11:19 am
Wow i think this is really good, people who don't think about how priveleged they are to be able to breathe without trying, this is seriously amazing. i would like it if you could comment on some of my poems too(:
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on May. 29 2011 at 6:56 pm
Thanks for the comment! I agree with you, for people who don't have asthma, they could think of it a totally different way.
AndySixxLover GOLD said...
on May. 29 2011 at 6:31 pm
This was amazing i love it its really good but it might have a different meaning to people who dont have Asthma
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on May. 20 2011 at 10:04 pm
This comment meant so much to me. I really hope I can get published in the magazine! (I see that you have...congratulations!) Thanks for the great feedback!
forgottenpenname GOLD said...
on May. 19 2011 at 8:36 am
Very good poem! I have asthma also, so I know where you're coming from with this, and it's a truly scary experience. I especially liked the lines "But my lungs have crumpled,/Like twin tin cans,/Out of order." Nice imagery, there. I also like how you refer to breathing as a "privilege" -- it really helps get your point across. Again, this is a great poem and I wouldn't be surprised if they published it. :) Good luck!
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on May. 18 2011 at 9:36 pm
Thanks for 100 views everyone! :)
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on May. 9 2011 at 3:54 pm
Wow, thanks! I really appreciate feedback like that. If you could check out my other poems (Smile, If Only, Untitled..) it would mean a lot! :)
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on May. 9 2011 at 3:53 pm
Thanks! (: Glad to hear you could relate to my piece!
Untouchable-Summer SILVER said...
on May. 9 2011 at 3:52 pm
Shmelmo- Thanks so much!
writingcheetah7 GOLD said...
on May. 9 2011 at 2:32 pm
great descriptions!! i love the lines "I was temporarily stripped of the privilige" and "But my lungs have crumpled/Like twin tin cans,/Out of order." really nice!! :)
YoungsurvivorLiz SILVER said...
on May. 3 2011 at 4:49 pm
the fact that u expressed the way u personaly feel about asthma is really amazzing :) I can completely and totally understand u, i too long to have the privilege atleast once more to take a deep breath without it being hard && keep writing u r very good !!!!!!!!!!!
