My Name 

I have always gone by the name Ellie even though my real name is Elyse. Although they are both my name, Elyse and Ellie feel different.

Ellie means shining light. It’s a bright sunlight yellow. The type of sunlight that puts a spotlight on you; making your skin glow and eyes sparkle with vibrance. Elyse means God’s promise and feels like a threaded seam on a dress. 

I don’t remember ever being called Elyse by anyone, not even in my family. Even in my earliest memories I was called Ellie. Sometimes I even forget I am technically Elyse. Every school year I am reminded through my new teachers. They’ll call on the first day, “Elyse?.......Elyse?” After a few moments, I eventually realize that’s my name, “Oh here.” 

When I hear the name Ellie I see a bright sunlight yellow or a dazzling gold. While Elyse is a forest green. Ellie Reminds me of lemonade, and laughing while playing with puppies in freshly cut grass, while Elyse reminds me of a crown and vines growing on an old stone wall. 

Ellie feels silky, like brushing against butterfly wings. Or like the warmth of a sunrise or sunset hitting your skin. But Elyse has the texture of a rose’s stem. you can drag your finger across the fragile stem structure and over it’s thornes that smooth over to a sharp point. The name has the weight of a heavy sword resting in your hand, with a metal handle welded with ripples for better grip. You can feel the difference.

I don’t think I’d ever change my name. I think It’s captivating that I have a nickname that I’ve always gone by and that I’ve never gone by my real name. It gives my name a story that is more interesting than most. Ellie matches me better than Elyse; when I look in the mirror I see that the name Ellie suits me. But Elyse doesn’t have that same effect. The name Elyse doesn’t remind me of myself. It’s like looking at a stranger you feel like you’ve met before, but never have. I am the sunny, warm, spotlight, not the texture of a rose’s stem.