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In the presence of a spirit.
June 9, 2009
I stare at the dark shadow of a man beside me.
It makes no sense the way he isn’t moving.
I ask him if I may touch him and he tells me no.
I ask him why my I not touch him.
He tells me some things my not be accomplished.
He gives me his hand.
But there is no hand to grab.
I stare in mortified expression as the shadow disappears before my very eyes.
© Missi R., Suwanee, GA
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 6 comments.
LoveLikeWoe DIAMOND said...
on Dec. 9 2009 at 12:51 pm
thanks ritachristine. i actually do write like that it's just this one is really old. i have a lot that are written that way.
RitaChristine BRONZE said...
on Dec. 8 2009 at 4:35 pm
This is quite good. One suggestion is to try breaking up the sentences a bit by indenting the lines so the sentence flows from one line to the next. For example:
"He tells me some things may not be
accomplished."
or
"I ask him if I may touch him and
he tells me no."
This is called enjambment - it is a great poetry technique that adds interest to sentences, and can give emphasis to certain words or phrases. (for instance, the word accomplished would stand out.)
Keep writing, and don't feel weird about going back and changing a poem - sometimes you can face it with new inspiration. Poetry is a tricky thing to write well, so have patience. You are off to a good start! (And that's impressive if you wrote this one at age seven!)
"He tells me some things may not be
accomplished."
or
"I ask him if I may touch him and
he tells me no."
This is called enjambment - it is a great poetry technique that adds interest to sentences, and can give emphasis to certain words or phrases. (for instance, the word accomplished would stand out.)
Keep writing, and don't feel weird about going back and changing a poem - sometimes you can face it with new inspiration. Poetry is a tricky thing to write well, so have patience. You are off to a good start! (And that's impressive if you wrote this one at age seven!)
Thanks for commenting on my work. This is interesting. Have you thought of extending it? It also creeped me out a little cause just yesterday something happened that made me relate to this. Also, this is shadow man is capable of many different perceptions, because is "evil is no faceless stranger. He has a nice smile and wears a mask that looks like all our faces." So what was he to you?
Joanna said...
on Jun. 24 2009 at 3:48 pm
I like it. A lot, actually. My favourite line: He tells me some things may not be accomplished.
I like to believe that I understand it. I don't think I do though.
I like to believe that I understand it. I don't think I do though.
SilverDawn GOLD said...
on Jun. 23 2009 at 10:18 pm
*gasp* how can you forget your own work? jk, i do that too. but yeah, your style is pretty nice, with them simple statements and the shortness. the lines "He gives me his hand. But there is no hand to grab." was a little scary O_O but goodgoodgood (:
LoveLikeWoe DIAMOND said...
on Jun. 22 2009 at 3:36 pm
oh my gosh i completely forgot i posted this! I was so busy looking at other peoples work! wow.
