January of 2012 I went with my church to our first winter retreat at Trout Lake Camp. To be completely honest with you, I wasn’t looking forward to this retreat. In my family, there’s a rule that everyone needed to go to church and participate in the church activities. My mom said she was going to pay for me to go. I guess what I didn’t like about that is I had no choice. I always felt like my parents were trying to shove their beliefs down my throat. All of the friends I had made in youth group were now graduated from high school and I didn’t like the idea of trying to make new friends at this point because everyone was aware that I had just been discharged from residential treatment and I didn’t like that being my first impression on everyone.

My mom was aware of the fact I didn’t have a lot of friends in the youth group anymore so she suggested I invite my friend Kelsie, because out of all my friends Kelsie was my Mom’s favorite. I always gave her crap for ‘stealing my friends’. Sometimes it seemed like Kelsie was better friends with my mom than she was with me, which is why we were never really close. I could never open up to her because I felt like she would repeat everything I said to my mom. Anyways, I ended up inviting her to come along. At least I’d have someone to hang out with considering she wouldn’t know anyone else.

I remember standing there awkwardly as everyone was still loading their stuff in the trailer and we were waiting for the bus. I brought my penguin pillow pet..and I remember squeezing him tight in my arms because I was nervous. I didn’t belong there. Nobody wanted me there. I was an outcast. That’s how I thought anyway. I didn’t see Kelsie anywhere and I was starting to feel sick.. I was dizzy and I forgot how to breathe for a minute and I felt like I was about to pass out. I sat in one of the Sunday school rooms to cry for a while until my mom came in like “What’re you doing? What’s wrong with you?” As I walked out to join the other kids. I remember her stopping me, with a concerned look on her face... wondering if I was going to be ok...

“Can I see your arms?” I remember feeling bad for her everytime she felt the need to ask this. I had cut just once since I had been out of treatment and at this point she was still having a hard time trusting me. I could understand that, and I was sorry for her. I felt bad that I had to be her kid, no parent deserves to go through the things I put her through. I rolled up my sleeves and showed her my scars again. I hated the look on her face everytime she saw them.. “Ok, thank you, let’s go. I think Kelsie’s here now.”

We went out to the parking lot to find Kelsie and the bus waiting. I hugged Kelsie and we got on the bus to find there wasn’t a lot of places to sit. There were tons of kids everywhere because Edinbrook Church was with us on the bus. We had to sit in the back, but my friend Talana was back there so we found a place to sit. I looked around to see if there was anyone else we knew around there but I didn’t notice anyone.. Except this kid from Edinbrook. He was wearing a white T-shirt and sweats with this black and purple beanie hat.. I just couldn’t help but notice he had really nice hair and then I realized I was kind of staring at him so I looked away before someone were to catch me looking at him.
It was a long ride. A lot of us slept on the way there, and others were messing around. Somehow Talana ended up in the middle of the walkway and some of the kids from Edinbrook started talking to her. I heard someone say “Yeah, he thinks you’re hot” and I looked over to see them pointing at that kid I had noticed earlier. Figures. How could you not think that about Talana? You can’t even try to deny, she’s a very attractive girl. She’s fit and and funny and she loves Jesus just like all the other people claimed to on that bus.

For the rest of the time I put in my headphones and tried to think. ‘Why am I here? I don’t love God. I have no interest in learning about something I don’t care about.’ I was just sick of feeling sad. I was sick of trying so hard to just be ok. I felt like I had to put a face on to make it seem like I was ok so people wouldn’t ask questions. I thought about all of the times Tyler Roland came to visit me in the ER and in treatment.. He wanted to share what he knew with me but I didn’t want to hear it. I use to believe in God. And then I found out the hard way how awful this world is. I wasn’t strong enough to believe in a good God when things were so bad. I was miserable. I cried myself to sleep most nights because I had to hold back the pain I felt everyday until I was alone and nobody would have to worry about it or feel the need to comfort me. I wanted to have something to live for and give me hope like they said Jesus does for people.. But I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that something like that could be true. I felt like there must be an exception for some people. There must be a handful of people in the world that He just gives up on because He  just doesn’t have the time to prove himself to everyone.

For the first time in I don’t even know how long, I started to pray. I don’t know what brought me to do such a thing, I guess I was just becoming that desperate. I wasn’t even sure at that point if God would hear such a bitter prayer, but I had nothing to lose. Kelsie had moved for a minute and I put my head against the seat and whispered “God, if you’re there, this is your chance. I don’t know what I believe in, but if you’re there prove it. I’m sorry I’m so weak, but I need a reason to believe.. I need a reason to think there’s still hope. I don’t know why I’m still here, but please, help me to find myself. If you still love me, show me.” and then I started to fall asleep and when I woke up we were finally there.

The first night was pretty chill. We all just hung out and then had chapel and breakout and then snacks. I went back to the cabin with Kelsie. Apparently I looked kind of zombie like and Kelsie kept asking “Are you having fun?” Even though I should’ve been the one to keep asking her that. I just went to bed early and she stayed up for a while talking to the other girls. She made a lot of friends that weekend.

The next day we had morning chapel and Tyler was speaking about grace. He was talking about the second chances we are all given if we want it. I started to think maybe that was my problem, I wasn’t sure that I wanted it. I wasn’t sure that I could just give up everything I was holding onto all of these years because that was the one thing that gave me a reason to feel the way I did. But eventually it got to the point where I couldn’t just hold on to everything anymore, and instead of just giving it to God I had decided I’d rather give up on life itself and I had spent the last 2 years wanting and trying to just die. That was the thing nobody could understand. Nobody could help me because I knew they couldn’t really understand how I felt. They didn’t know what it was like to be this miserable. Nobody could connect with me on that level and that was what was on my heart. That was why I didn’t try to make friends because I assumed they could never understand why I am the way I am.

As I was thinking about this Tyler started calling on people to read the slips of paper he had with verses printed on them and then share what that meant to them. Towards the end, that kid from Edinbrook was called on to read his verse. He had the verse 2 Corinthians 12:8-9

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

The verse itself really hit me. And then this kid started to talk… I could tell he was nervous, but at the same time he was very serious. He started to talk about the things he had struggled with and how he had gotten to that point where he didn’t want to live anymore. He had experienced God’s grace first hand because he was somehow convinced that he did have a purpose and he needed to be strong. He had no other explanation except that he could’ve sworn he could hear God’s voice speaking to him. He was thankful for a good, graceful God and the second chance he had been given.

I was so overwhelmed by this I got up and left. I ran into the bathroom and fell on the floor crying. “That was it, wasn’t it? That was you proving yourself to me? Showing me right here, I’m not the only one… and there is hope, isn’t there?” I got up and walked out and everyone was already on their way to lunch and then we had free time. I wanted to go talk to him.. but I didn’t know what to say so I talked to Kelsie. As we were walking out we saw him and she pushed me “Go talk to him! You should go talk to him! He’ll understand.” And I almost did, and then I got nervous and stopped as I was walking towards him and he left with his group of friends. Kelsie came up behind me like “What happened? What did he say?” and I shook my head. I couldn’t do it. I thought I couldn’t just go have a normal conversation with that kid.. He wouldn’t want to talk to me.. I’m weird. And everyone here won’t stop talking about how cute he is. He’s probably busy talking to some other girls. I don’t want to do this..

We walked over to the barn to find something to do with our free time and there he was again.. Playing ping-pong with his friends. Now’s your chance.. So.. I walked right up to him. Just be assertive. Don’t give him the wrong idea. “Hey..” And then he looked at me and… I’ll admit I got distracted. This kid was gorgeous. And when he looked back at me I completely forgot what I was going to say because I couldn’t stop staring at his bright blue eyes. I had never seen anything like him..and then as I was staring at him he started to talk, probably confused as to why exactly I was talking to him. “Hey..? Whatsup?” I tried to figure out what to say quickly.

“Uh.. Can I talk to you?” And to my surprise he said “Yeah! Where do you wanna go? Do you want to walk around or something?” And so we did… For about 4 hours. I walked around and talked to this stranger like I had known him for years. And he listened. And tried to understand. He tried to help me see things the way God wanted me to. I remember telling him about the rough stuff and how I had hung myself 8 months before that and instead of freaking out and telling me how it is… he didn’t. He just stopped and hugged me right there in the middle of the road.. He just accepted me the way I was and didn’t try to tell me what was wrong with me. He just wanted me to know he cared. Even though he just met me, he was willing to help me. And things started to make sense for a minute.. That weekend my view of God changed. I changed. And 3 months later I rededicated my life to Christ at Spring Blitz.

To this day “That Kid” is my best friend and having him in my life is an everyday reminder for me that God is there. And He is good.