christian walk

Life is complicated, and the time has come that i’ve realized that. I was on a missions trip to africa with my church. we spent an entire year doing volunteer work on weekends, and having fund raisers. the first week was awesome, we were having fun, helping people and doing all we could to make an impact on the lives of all the kenyans we could. I was having a great time, but in the second week, it all went downhill for me. I’d developed questions in my mind creating a false fear of going home. Doing things for God was a whole lot easier there than here, for some reason. But I was afraid of the persecution I’d face when I got home. It was strange really, I was willing to risk my life Going to a third world country, filled with terrorists, but I was afraid of the opinions of friends when I got home. I thought of the qualities I wanted for when I went home, they seemed so easy in Kenya, but so impossible back home. what If I stood up for my God, my family, my morales? I knew I was expected to do just that, but I sank into a pit of fear, thinking of how drastically my life could change, I could lose friends, and even family. But if I didn’t, where was my purpose? would I just go through life simply holding the title christian, or would I live it? How could I ever grow up to be a true man of God if I couldn’t change now? Could I put my life in Gods hands and trust he’d get me through it? could I die to myself and live out the goals of Christ? these questions ate at me for days, and it was driving me crazy.

As I had started on the journey to find the answers, I was struck down. every time I tried to answer them myself corruption filled me and my emotions were all out of whack. as I continued searching, my answers were becoming worse and worse. my mind was beginning to separate from my body. I was still me, I knew what was right but my emotions said otherwise. I couldn’t enjoy the works I was doing, if anything I resented it. I didn’t know why, but the person I was becoming was dreadful, I hated it. My human nature and the call to be a true man of God clashed fiercer than ever before, and the sheer power of it blindsided me, and took me down for the count. It felt like I was being ripped apart, every earthly desire increase tenfold, and yet I resisted. I couldn’t fall to it, I couldn’t renounce my beliefs and give up, but it killed me not to. I needed help, so one night I turned to my youth pastor. Fear had filled me, I wondered, what kind of a change of view would he have of me? would it be bad? But in the end I mustered up the courage and I asked him if he could meet with me up in the dorm. He said sure, so I went up to the dorm and sat on the bottom bunk. I sat there a few minutes and I pondered what to say, and what he would say. before I knew it, he was there and ready to talk.

I expressed to him what I was feeling, the anger that consumed me, the hatefulness that ran rampant, and the split in personality. After telling him this, he asked me “ when you were younger, and your family was still together, how was your dad’s attitude at home?” I told him “ he was alway yelling, and filled with anger and resentment.” in telling him this, he responded saying “ a lot of what you’re going through is hereditary, and you will never overcome it alone. But you can turn to God for help, he can change you, just keep to your christian walk with God and keep striving to be more like him, and he will reward you with just that. He will never give you a challenge you cannot overcome.” Our conversation ended with that, and he began to pray over me.

After confessing my problems and receiving help I felt a new sensation run through me, I felt hope, I felt joy, and I felt overwhelmed. I for only a moment, felt an intense burden. I realized the mass amount of people who didn’t know God as their savior, and the number of christians there were that weren’t doing a thing about it. this must be what God feels for his people. But with this my questions where revealed. I knew what I had to do, I had to stand up for what I believed in, because if not me, then who? Persecution was something I had to face, so why run? This was my purpose, to seek first the kingdom of God, and to make disciples. No, not the kind that went to church every sunday out of obligation, or routine, but the kind that truly loves God, and aspires to grow spiritually and make disciples themselves. what defines a man is defined by God: lead, provide, protect, the three building blocks of a Godly man. He leads people to christ, he provides for the poor, and he will give his life to protect another, whether it is someone he loves or a stranger. he puts others, in every aspect, above himself and is humble.

After my big “Aha” moment, Ben held out his hand, and when I went to shake it, he embraced me in a hug. “ I want you to know you're the bravest man I’ve ever met. You let me help you in a time of need and you confided in me. You displayed what I’ve been trying to teach our group this whole trip, you died to yourself and what you wanted and took a step of faith coming to talk to me, and doing what was best. Because of that, I think you're even greater than your father.” I was filled with hope just then, I realize Ben saw a future in me, and so did God, and now, I seek to fulfill it.