Black Friday, the day your favorite stores have a 1% discount. You’d expect people after Thanksgiving to be more, uh thankful? But no, we become selfish all over again. The malls become wild jungles with humidity that can cause your hair to become an Afro. Ew. Black Friday isn’t some casual walk around the mall, its war. If deciding to enter into this battlefield of chaos, follow my advice and you might make it out alive.

First off everyone is your enemy. That cute shirt you want to buy, yeah, 20 million other people want to buy that exact same shirt. Sorry to say, you will need to get dirty. If things become nasty just tug harder and pray that the shirt doesn’t rip. Every store is going to guarantee you that they have the best deal, FALSE. The deals you’ll see at stores is a joke. Every time I go to Black Friday I hope to buy 200 hundred items with $50, but instead buy 3 items with $50 dollars. (Black Friday has the same deals; just add in all the Looney’s and claustrophobic elevators.)

Second: AVOID the cops! You’ll see cops everywhere you go. The cops are not your friends. If you decide to get feisty with a soccer mom over an item, you both lose. The cops will separate you both and the mob that crowed around you two will end up buying what both of you have lost. So if you see the cops and you’re in battle, RUN FOREST RUN. Well maybe not run, but walk away really fast. We don’t want you to end up on an episode of COPS.

Third: Remember people wake up early to get the “best deals”. Truth be, no one is a morning bird, so be prepared for death stares and harsh comments. When entering into a store it’s like a scavenger hunt. Everything is mixed in with, well everything. Stay calm while looking for the needle in the hay stack. Once you find what you’re looking for be prepared for the worst. THE LOOOOOOONG LINES. By the time you’re able to pay for the shirt you’ll be 78 years old and that cute shirt won’t look so cute anymore.

Fourth: A GREAT way to start off your morning is finding a spot to park your car. You would think it would be easy, HHAHAHAHAHAHHA, no. Before entering into the pit of madness you will spend hours trying to find somewhere to park your car. Sooner or later you’ll get fed up and park about 40 miles away and walk the rest. What is so frustrating about parking is people who park in TWO parking spaces. Like who does that? Ugh.

My final advice for you is, buy things you only need. Don’t be like your mother and buy things just to buy things. Avoid confrontations at all cost. Resolve the situation like this:

You: Hey I’m going to buy this and well yeah. #Sorrynotsorry. Thanks bye. Good luck finding another one!

Other person: Whatever.

Might sound rude, but it has to be done. When waiting in the line of death, NEVER CUT ANYONE. People will notice and it won’t be pretty my darling. Finally, the best advice I can give you is don’t go to Black Friday. Is it really worth it to be in that madness for crappy deal? Stay home and sleep in!