The Seating Wars | Teen Ink

The Seating Wars

May 26, 2012
By KatsK DIAMOND, Saint Paul, Minnesota
KatsK DIAMOND, Saint Paul, Minnesota
57 articles 0 photos 301 comments

Favorite Quote:
Being inexhaustible, life and nature are a constant stimulus for a creative mind.
~Hans Hofmann
You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.
~Ray Bradbury

LANSING: Joshua Van Holt is sitting at his oak desk, drumming his fingers agitatedly. He has just announced plans to have a major television network broadcast his show idea, Seating Wars. He is 98.297 percent sure it will get broad-casted, and if it doesn’t, Van Holt says, “Then my favorite color’s not hot pink!” He twitched anxiously, subdued into silence after his outburst.

He said he has time to talk and give an interview exclusively to Lansing Press, as the only emails he’s gotten for the past week were from his mother and MySpace. He assured Lansing Reporters, however, that the fan mail would arrive shortly. Although he was very excited about the megapixels on his new computer, and a sequence of binary code, Lansing Times Reporters changed the subject. Once they inquired about the pilot show he wanted to have produced, he replied, “Well, buyers outbid each other for rustic seating arrangements. The highest demands are for loveseats and old couches. The egg chairs aren't selling well, though.” He adjusted his glasses nervously as he continued, “I don’t see why. After all, I've always loved them.”

Van Holt explained that if all goes well, Seating Wars will have a subtitle: Vouch for the Couch. He said, “Quite frankly, having a subtitle has been my dream ever since I saw one in an advertisement at Sam’s Club. It’s simply a stroke of intelligence and ingenuity.” Although Van Holt hasn’t received any offers from broadcasting channels, he is confident. Van Holt’s mother, Nancy, reports, “Yes, Joshie knew his destiny ever since he was a little boy and Costco had their annual patio furniture sale. It’s marvelous. It’s simply his passion.” When Lansing Reporters asked him what would happen if for example, critics who loved Storage Wars, watched it and thought it was unoriginal, he replied, “Well, they then have motivated blindness, and obviously don’t know what they’re talking about. Why would anyone like Storage Wars? It has old, dusty desks and sports gear. You are obviously missing the point.”

Van Holt reportedly doesn’t worry about people not-watching his show, because it’s for all of the ‘couch connoisseurs’ out there, sitting on their high-end chaise lounges and eating Lay’s Cheddar potato chips. Also, he added, it has a twist, “because after the buyers select their seat furnishings, they can dig under the cushions to find lost and rare items.” Van Holt’s past treasures found under the sofa include a button, several scraps of crumpled-up paper, a yellow paperclip, a nickel, and seven pennies.

Van Holt’s associate, Ms. Lindgren, adds, “Yeah, when Josh found the nickel, it made his week. He was all happy and cheerful. He kept mumbling something about being an unnoticed artist, and the new face of television, and when we tried to get him to join in the cubicle gossip circle, all he would talk about was that stupid coin!” Van Holt declined to comment, as his feelings were deeply wounded. It had been 26 hours since he sent out the email, and nobody from the networks had replied. BBC, ABC Family, and TLC declined to comment. Towards the end of the Lansing Reporters’ visit, Fox’s spokesperson blatantly said, “His idea lacks a definitive audience, as well as a motivated fan base. Furthermore, it’s the worst concept I’ve heard in the business since I started twenty-five years ago!” Van Holt excused himself to go eat a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich in his room and talk to his stuffed animal, Mr. Bear, while reportedly having “a good cry” and watching Dora reruns.

The author's comments:
This is a byproduct of three things: reading The Onion and greatly enjoying it, watching The Storage Wars and being confused by it, and multiple conversations about Storage Wars, conducted by my classmates, over the course of a day.

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