Okay. Let’s get one thing straight, whoever you are. One thing out of the millions of things to get straight in this weird little microcosm. Whoever you are reading this in your comfortable little office chair or lying on your stomach on your floor. Let’s get this out of the way. And who knows, maybe the title has done that already.

I hate Twitter.

I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate the very concept of it. I can just picture the meeting: “Hey guys! Let’s get everyone everywhere to talk about what they’re doing at that second in their miserable little lives even though no one cares about anyone except famous people!”

I hate the idea that you only get 140 characters to express (if you’re like me) the irrepressible teenage angst that fills your life and permeates every cell down to the last little eyelined skinny-jeans-wearing cytoplasm until you have no choice but to turn off every light in your room, huddle in a corner, and listen to other guylined man-boys sing about how love is awful and depressing. If I could express that in less than 140 characters, I’d be editor in chief of the New York Times. The New York Times probably has a Twitter at this point. That’s how ridiculous it’s become.

I hate the blue they use to shade that cute little bird, even though my favorite color’s blue. Heck, I even hate that cute little bird. Who told you that you could get off being that cute, Twitterbird? No one, that’s who! You just decided to be that cute! Darn it, never mind. I can’t stay mad at you. Look at those beady little eyes and that adorable orangeish-yellow beak. Okay, scratch the comment about hating the bird. But I still hate Twitter.

I despise the micromanaging, how everyone everywhere is looking at their phones and tweeting that they’re looking at their phones and tweeting. I hate that I know it’s called tweeting. I hate that it’s basically a worldwide ego stroke and it seems like the world is buying into it. I hate that it’s gotten as big as it’s gotten. I hate that if Twitter keeps Tweetsploding, it’s going to run our lives. Soon enough people will tweet and then tweet that they just tweeted and continue that downward spiral until the world becomes a Dawn-of-the-Dead-type apocalypse where everyone who doesn’t have a Twitter is alive and functioning and not darn tweeting. I hate that eventually we will all become slaves and zombies to our own egos, or what will probably soon be known as Tweetgos. It’s a fiasco. A tweetasco. And if all of this happens (which it undoubtedly will), we will no longer be Planet Earth. We will have become Planet Twitter. And our flag would fly high and proudly, except the people who were supposed to raise the flag are too busy tweeting that they’re about to raise the flag.

Do you get it, universe? Do you see what I’m saying? I HATE TWITTER!

But…

But if I hate Twitter so much, then why do I have an account on there?