Love can be felt in many ways. I love my pets. I love my mom. I love my grandma. But these types of love are not romantic love. People may fall romantically in love with those who are handsome or beautiful, or with those who have all the riches in the world. I believe that a person can’t really love another until they know that person’s inner personality.


Personality is what makes someone who they are. It’s a combination of traits that are used to describe someone’s character. No one is exactly the same. An outgoing person may be friendly, curious, adventurous and involved. An artistic person may be introverted, imaginative, and thoughtful. People acquire different characteristics both from genetics and environmental influences, but regardless, no one is an exact replica of someone else.


It may seem strange to think of personality as being hard to determine. If it’s the essence of a person, it must be pretty evident. But the truth is that many people don’t display their full self to the public eye. Everyone is hiding something. No one is ever honest with everyone because there are always parts of them they may deem socially unacceptable; things that make them seem weird or crazy, or even just things they dislike about themselves. In Psychology, this type of behavior is described using terms such as situationism, social norms, and social roles. Situationism explains how the environment influences people’s behavior as much or more than their personal disposition. Social norms are the group’s expectations, while social roles are patterns of behavior that are expected of people in a given setting or group. All three of these things work in governing our behavior in daily life, and help explain why we so often only display certain qualities that don’t reflect our true selves.


It seems crazy but with societal and situational expectations weighing us down, it’s not hard to understand why outward behavior doesn’t always mirror our true personality. Take for example the movie Geek Charming. It’s a story about a popular high school girl, Dylan, and a nerdy, unpopular boy, Josh. Josh has entered a film festival and gets Dylan to be his film subject; he wants to get a real look at life as a popular person. In the beginning, Dylan shows him the side she shows everybody; she is stuck up, rude, and demanding. As Josh’s movie progresses, Dylan shows the side of her that is intelligent, silly, innocent and caring. As Josh begins to see this side, Dylan’s popularity waivers, and her boyfriend dumps her. In the end however, she walks off hand in hand with Josh, the boy who saw the real Dylan underneath the façade. With her popular boyfriend she was being something she wasn’t. Their relationship was superficial, but with Josh, the true Dylan emerged. People may hide things about themselves making it hard to know what’s real and what’s fake. Until the true qualities can be seen, it is difficult to love someone for the identity they assume.

It’s easy to think that chipping away at the barriers and finding the real person inside is where it ends. Unearthing inner, unseen qualities is a good start, but even then people are subject to bias. People often see only what they want to see and ignore the things that don’t support their viewpoints. In Psychology this is called confirmation bias. When someone’s friends tell them their boyfriend is cheating on them, they may refuse to believe what they are hearing because it does not fit their concept of who their boyfriend is. After a breakup they may realize why their boyfriend was never available Saturday nights. By blinding ourselves, we make it harder to see the true qualities of the person we think we love.

My experiences reflect my belief as well as the psychology behind it. My past relationships have shown both confirmation bias and thinking I knew someone when I didn’t. My current boyfriend and I have had an easier time of it. He and I started as friends. He was easy to talk to, and I liked that he was intelligent, funny, kind and passionate about things, like science. We were friends because his defining characteristics meshed with my own. We understood each other. After a year of friendship, we started dating. The best part was that nothing really changed. There was never a fear of needing to be something I wasn’t. We were best friends with the new status of boyfriend and girlfriend. But it was that I already liked him for who he was that made the transition so smooth. Personality is what drew me to him, making it easier to connect with him. So in loving someone because of who they are, it makes the connection, and thus, the love, truer than loving someone for their “public” image.

Although it may be difficult to discover someone’s inner personality, it is important in the long run. To love someone for putting on a mask every day to hide their inner qualities isn’t fair to them, nor to you. It denies both persons a relationship based on openness, communication, and acceptance. It is the person within that makes true love possible, not necessarily the face they show the public-at-large.