Sorry to ruin your day, but according to a recent study by a panel of 21 leading experts, bacon has been found to cause bowel cancer. Much to my gustatory dismay, bacon, the greatest snack/condiment known to man, can now be added to the list of foods that might kill you, along with sugarless gum, diet soda, and razorblade chicken nuggets.

I’m curious to see how the folks at Big Bacon are going to play this off. This very well could turn into a massive P.R. nightmare where all bacon must be packaged with a Surgeon General’s warning. I can see it now- a sly rip off of Porky Pig with a Hitler mustache and X’s for eyes, with a caption that reads “Warning: Bacon may cause bowel cancer. It is not a safe alternative to bouillon cubes.” Now that I think about it, it may only be a matter of time before they link smoked bacon to emphysema.

I suppose I should’ve suspected that bacon was too good to be true. By now we should be aware that whatever appears to be decent usually isn’t. A prime example is Disney’s High School Musical, or more specifically Vanessa Hudgens, who proved that the only requisite necessary to taint the most trusted family institution on the planet is to be 18 and naked (seriously, who’s in charge of casting over there, Larry Flint?).
Perhaps this is all God’s way of taking bacon down a couple of notches. I did some research and found that you can now buy bacon flavored toothpicks, bacon ice cream, bacon beer, and oddly enough, bacon flavored chocolate. Let’s not forget Wendy’s new cloven-hoofed artery clogger, the Baconator- its actual slogan being “Go on, obsess a little.” Sheesh, sounds a bit like idolatry to me.

Then again, it is no little secret that America loves food. Our country’s children are beginning to look more and more like bean bags and our national BMI is slated to enter triple digits by next McRib season. We have to grab this food crisis by the glandular and take control!

So what can we do? I vote we get Paleolithic with provisions. The cavemen didn’t need any special dressing on their brontosaurus chops and neither do we. Let us eat for the sake of sustenance and the stimulation of conversation. Also, instead of having a tall glass of gravy with your meal, try whole milk with Sweet‘n Low. Maybe with time you can work your way down to water.

I know it is hard to take food advice from someone whose rib cage shows through hoodies, but now that ham is homicidal and death by dining is plausible, we must cook up some palatable ways to trim the trans fats. So hop off those Segways and put down that powder-sugared fried chicken. Richard Simmons believes in you.

Now, I leave you in true Porky Pig fashion. Th-th-th-that’s all folks!