Remember when you were little everything could be fixed by a lollipop? When the mistakes were forgotten and nothing was remembered and used against you? Where the highest place was on your dad’s shoulders, and the only drug you knew was cough medicine? Now all the innocent girls are the ones who are talked about, messing up once means your messing up life, and one tiny thing is blown up to huge proportions. And worst of all, your best friend becomes your worst enemy. When we were little we couldn’t wait to grow up, and now that we are we fear it. Now we don’t want all the responsibility that comes with it, but we are forced to face it and live with the choices we make.
…

School is dragging by, and only two weeks separate me and my summer break. I cannot wait to walk out the doors that are the only separation from the freedom of the world. Hopefully I won’t be the main target of all of the mocking because there might be some unfortunate freshman who is more of an outsider than I. Yet I know the mocking will always be present, that’s what happens when you are the new kid in the school, and especially when you don’t fit in with any of the groups. I have gotten used to it, and have been lucky enough to find one person like me and another who is the opposite, but we all seem to get together fine.
Mike Smith, the “king of preps” as I like to call him has become my friend. It is a friendship that the school will never accept so we keep a secret. What had happened between us is something that I don’t think anyone can understand; something that will make us stick up for each other no matter what happens. He is the one every girl wants. And all of those girls are the ones that laugh behind my back, and the ones that end up worse off than me, because when he calls them out on their own joke, all of them end up a mess, drop out, and attend the private all-girl school. With his short blond hair, “to die for” blue eyes, and the football quarterback, he is the one people look up to.

Zane Mack. He is the one who took me under his wing when I came to the school. Also, he is like me in more ways than one. We have the same “label”. The problems we face are the same, and we face all the same social injustice together. I can talk to him about anything, and so can he. We understand each other, and help one another out when the going gets tough. Zane gets laughed at for his tight jeans, band t-shirts, vans, eyeliner, and long gelled hair. I don’t know what they found so funny, but it happened and I could not help it.

The bell rings and I half run out of the class room to my locker. I know that Zane will be there already, and no matter how fast I try to get there, he will always beat me. When my locker is in sight just as I expected he is just leaning on the door, looking in my direction. His black eyes meet mine and immediately his face lights up. As soon as I am within five feet of my locker, he stands up straight and gathers me in a hug. Being a good six inches taller than me, his chin rests on the top of my head.

“Hello love,” he says as he is pulling away.

“Hi there,” I smile, looking up at him.

“How was class?” he asks as I open up my locker.

“Oh the usual, boring, pointless, useless, boring… I wish that it would just end already, we only have two weeks left and then we have the whole summer.” I rifle through the mess inside and find my next notebook and slam the door shut.

“You say that everyday Lis,” he replies to that with a smile on his face.

“Well its true everyday! So how was class for you?”

“Highly educational, it consisted of sitting in the seat, and staring at the clock doing absolutely nothing because I had already finished the work.”

I narrow my eyes and look at him, “Nerd.”

Laughing he links his arm through mine and leads me to my next class which, fortunately, I have with him. As we walk on, the halls start to empty and the time gets closer to the beginning of class. We walk on and take our time getting to class. It is Language Arts and it’s with all the rest of the nerds like Zane, and I am the only one who has to try in that class. Just as the bell begins to ring we make it through the door, and head towards the back of the room to our seats.

“Well it seems that we have the whole class today, which, odd as it may seem, is the first time all year,” Mr. Young, the ancient teacher states in his deep slow voice. The whole class was snickering as he said that and when the room returned to silence he continued, “I think seeing that it is the end of the year, I give you all a break for the effort you have brought into coming to my class.”

The class cheers and I smile. Mr. Young, his old age aside, is the coolest teacher I have. His idea of break means that as long as you do not do anything illegal, you may do whatever you want. I feel a tap on my shoulder and I look to my left, and see Mike smiling at me. This happens to be a senior class, so Mike, Zane and I are the only juniors here. Yet again, I am at a loss as to why I am put here academically. The only bad thing about this is that Zane and Mike just do not get along. They both think that the other is a bad influence, and just don’t want to give each other a chance. Most people would think it was because the social groups, but Mike and I have already gotten past that, so I don’t think that that is an option. What the reason is, I still do not know, but I really want to find out.

“Hey there Kop!” I laugh as give him the standard greeting.

He grimaces, “Why do you insist on calling me that?”

“Because,” I smile, “It’s your title! I can’t forget that! Okay fine we’ll start over. I turn around and you tap me on the shoulder.” I turn around waiting, and feel him tapping my shoulder, and face him again. “Hey there Mike, what’s up?”

Laughing he replies, “Nothing remotely special, how are you doing?”

“Oh you know the usual, depressed, suicidal, upset.” He rolls his eyes as I joke. Those are the rumors about me right now; apparently I am just going to kill myself sometime soon.

“Don’t you lie to me. I can see that you are having a good day.”

“Well that means you just know me too well.”

“Hey,” I hear from my other side, “I thought I was the one who knew everything!”

I turn and see Zane who looks genuinely upset and say, “You know we could have this little contest and call it, ‘Who Knows Lissa Better’. The only problem is, I think it would end as a tie no matter how long we played….”

I looked to my left and right, seeing that both the people on my sides were glaring at each other. I really wish I knew what was going on between them, because I would have heard from all the rumors going around about the two if something had. Also, I really hoped it had nothing to do with me.

Getting uncomfortable sitting between the two anymore I got up saying, “You two seem to be having a great time without me, so if you will excuse me, I will leave the two of you alone.”

Moving towards the front of the room I could feel the eyes of my classmates on my back. Even the seniors have their own rumors about Zane and I, and they are slightly more reasonable yet nowhere close to the truth. Lucky for me, the bathroom pass is available and I grab it and walk out of the room.

The halls are all empty except for me, and I take my time walking to the bathroom. As I push open the door I walk towards the sinks. I don’t really have to go, just anywhere but the classroom was fine. All of the sinks have mirrors above them and I make my way towards the cleanest one. I look at my reflection I’m proud of what I see. My jet black hair and bright purple highlights are teased on the top, but staying pin straight on the bottom. The thick black eyeliner I’m wearing hasn’t smudged. Satisfied with what I see, I turn to leave. Just as I reach the door, it swings open and I see Maxine Relock stride in followed by her minions as I like to call them, and I back away to let them in. Seeing me she makes a beeline towards me and there is such hostility in her eyes I immediately back towards the other end of the room by the widow. As I reach the wall I can see the girls behind her smirking.

“You have no right to have him!” Maxine growls in my face.

I blink, having no idea what she is talking about, “No right have who?”

“Mike! Who else?”

I feel my mouth drop open. Me with Mike? Never would that happen, not just because what would happen in school if it happened, but because I see him as a brother not any other way. Not knowing what to say I ask, “Where is this coming from?”

Finally seeing that I have no idea what is happening she takes a step back and I have my breathing space back, “I have my sources, and they tell me that they saw you and Mike together at the mall over in New Haven.”


Damn. We had been there at the mall together since we thought that no one from here would have seen. I make up a quick lie, “I saw him and had to thank him for sticking up for me against the bitches like you.”


A spark lights in her eyes, and she steps back up face inches from mine, “If I ever see or hear of you being with my Mike I swear I will make your life hell.”

I push her back and say with the most serious face I could make, “Last time I checked he was neither yours, nor did he go out with high maintenance Barbies like yourself.” I push through her followers and walk out the door and towards class knowing that what I had just said will have major consequences, and not sure how I will deal with them this time.

I watched Lissa leave the room my heart heavy. I longed for the day where she would be mine. People make fun of her by the way she looks, not who she is. Knowing the people in the school, I know they would never give her the chance she deserves. As soon as she was out the door I looked back at Zane. He had such a look of longing on his face that I though he must actually feel like I do, but I quickly got rid of that thought. He would never know what it is like to have such barriers, and with his messed up emotions.

Jealous, that’s what I am though I hate to admit it. Every time I see how happy Lissa is with him I get a pang in my heart. I know that she always goes to him when things get tough, and how I am her second choice. They would make the perfect couple, but I could make her happier. The two deserve each other and I feel like an outsider looking in when I see them in the hall. I’m constantly wishing that I could get over the social barrier that we have, but I know that would be social suicide. Lissa would get over it and I know wouldn’t be able to take what would happen with it. Going from the top of the school down to the bottom would ruin me.

“Why does she even like you?” I hear Zane mumble to himself.

“Well,” I begin, answering the question that I wasn’t meant to hear, “I was just wondering the same thing.”

He scoffs, “Like she even likes you.” Shaking his head he opens his notebook and begins to write in it.


I open my own notebook and start my homework. Since it is almost the end of the year, it is close to nothing. But no sooner have I written my heading on the page do I start thinking about how much I wish I could be with Lissa. I look down at the blank page, words not coming to mind.

Looking up I see that Lissa has returned to her seat. Her face is paled a bit, but other than that she looks the same. She is writing so fast on a sheet of paper I know it is a note for someone. I really wish it were for me but I know that it is for Zane. It is confirmed when I see her fold it up and place it gingerly on his desk. He quickly picks it up and reads it. When he is done he looks up at her, clearly panicked, and writes a reply. Oh how I wish I could see what was on that paper, thought if I asked I know that I would be given a look of pity from Lissa, and a glare from Zane. Sighing I went back to my work and tried to push the thought of them out of my head.
…

I decide to skip lunch and wander the halls. I think back to when I had first met Lissa. I was at a party in the neighborhood, and had seen that the house next door was finally sold. Looking over the fence in the back I saw her, feet in the pool, sitting all alone. The light in the pool and the moving water cast moving shadows across her face. Her hair wasn’t teased like it usually was but was pulled back, and she wore little if no makeup. Standing up she walked over to the deeper end and dove in gracefully, making no splash. Out of breath she came up on the other side. I watched her in the pool until she got out a while later.

Later on I asked my friend Larz if he would go over and ask her to come. He agreed and went over and brought her back with him. Her hair was still pulled back and I could see that it was curly. She had had time to apply makeup and it was thick around her eyes, but not too much. Her cloths consisted of neon blue skinny jeans, a black and white studded belt, and tight black t-shirt. She looked amazing. We greeted each other and went separate ways.

About an hour or so later I was wondering the yard when I heard someone whimpering. I walked closer to investigate when I saw Larz standing over a huddled figure. Getting closer I noticed it was Lissa and she happened to look up and catch my eye. Her dark eyes grew big then she winced in pain and that was when I noticed she had a large bruise by one of her eyes. Immediately I walked up to her and picked her up.

“What the hell are you doing?” screamed Larz.

“I should be asking you the same thing. What happened to her?” I snapped.

I obviously had caught him off guard.

“He hit me,” Lissa whispered from my arms.

Looking down I could see that it was worse than I thought. Not waiting for him to say anything in response to that I walked quickly away. As I got closer to people they saw me and immediately came over wondering what was going on. Lissa groaned in my arms and shirked back from the people communing close and whispered, “Can you just bring me home?”

I nodded wordlessly and did bring her home. She had told me everything that had happened after a while. I stayed with her the whole night and then left when I saw that she had fallen asleep watching TV.

That night had changed me, and I had a soft spot for her now. That was why I stood up for her, I felt responsible for what had happened. It was my fault that she was at the party. I wish that I didn’t ask if she could come over. I feel protective of her, and I don’t think that that feeling will ever go away as long as she is around.

During lunch I sit under the bleachers with Lissa. I watch her eat silently. She is in one of her quiet moods and I know better than to start talking to her. What happened in the bathroom sounds bad and I wish I could prevent something from happening, but that would be pointless. If Maxine has her mind set on something she will go to no end to get it done.

“Why does no one accept us?” Lissa whispers looking up at me.

“I don’t know, but I really wish I did. I like to think of it as jealously though, because they could never be as awesome as us,” I reply.

I received a stony look from her, “I’m serious.”

Sighing I try to regain my ground, “I know, and so am I.”

“That isn’t helping me. I can’t take this anymore. With my parents beating me at home. Them putting so much pressure on me. Then the people here aren’t helping me either. They all hate me!” She has started crying at this point.

I move over to her and pull her close to me, “I know, I know it’s hard.”

She continues to cry and the bell rings signaling the end of lunch. She looks up at me, tears still running down her cheeks, “Can we just skip the rest of the day?”

I nod and help her up. We walk to my car in silence except for the sound of her sniffles. I drive her over to my place and I spend the rest of the day trying to cheer her up, but never getting more than a small smile.
…

There is only four days left of school and I’m in Mr. Young’s class. Lissa is sitting on the other side of the room working with her partner. Lately she has been distant and quiet, not speaking much. It has been bothering me and I wish I could help her.


The phone on the wall rings and Mr. Young walks over to it and answers. He listens, eyes scanning the room. Finally they land on Lissa, and he hangs up.

“Lissa, you are needed in the guidance office,” he says to her.

She stands and walks over to him waiting for the pass. Looking back at me I can see that she is panicked about something. I give her an encouraging nod and watch her leave the room. Rising from my seat I take the bathroom pass and meet her at the corner of the hall. Her eyes meet mine and they are wide with fear.

“Why are you scared?” I ask taking note of how she is fiddling with the bracelets covering her arm.

“I-I just am…please don’t get mad. But I think someone has found out my secret,” she whispers, slowly removing the bracelets covering her arm.

I gasp as soon as she is done. I grab her arm and she winces in pain. All I see are angry red marks on her skin. They were obviously done by her. They cris-cross on her arm, some are scars the others fresh like they were don’t the night before.

“Lissa! What? Why? How? Why did you do this?”

Tears are streaming down her cheeks as she returns the bracelets. “The pressure was too much. I needed some way to cope. This is what happened.” She backs away putting the bracelets back on. “I’m sorry.” She turns and runs down the hall. I’m left gaping after her.
…

The rest of the day goes by in a haze. I don’t see Lissa anywhere in the halls, and I figure she had left school.

When I get home is when I break. I start to cry uncontrollably. Why did she do that? Why did she never tell me? How could I not notice something like that? I beat myself up. She never trusted me did she? She was scared that I would freak out. Well she was right. I am freaking out. I need to talk to her now.

I call her and get no answer, leaving a message I hang up. I keep on trying all night but still I get no answer. Finally I give up and get into bed crying.

The last days of school were torture. I had to go through everything I had in the beginning of the year all over again. Zane wouldn’t talk to me for two days and when Mike found out he wouldn’t either. The school was also talking about me. Everywhere I went there would be whispers following me. Insane things were being told about me, but only one was finally true. Everyone knew the truth, and Maxine made sure of that. I wish I knew how she figured it out. Zane hadn’t so how could she?

Every time I think about him my heart leaps. Not talking to him for two days was killing me, and I felt more alone than ever. When he finally started to talk to me again I told him everything he wanted to know. All the questions that had been left unanswered were now out there. My life had been set out on a table for him to study and learn. And being him, he wasn’t like the others. He didn’t make fun, he only sympathized. Yet again he had come through for me, though I had disappointed him one more.
…

“So how have you been lately? They still being hard on you?” Zane asked me as we were hanging under the bleachers during lunch.

“Well, I think they have forgotten…well my dad has drunk it away already, and my mom won’t do anything anymore. I don’t think that she is in there anymore, it’s just a shell. Her mind is always elsewhere and she never says anything, it’s a nod or a shake of her head as an answer,” I replied.

He looked at me questioningly but let it go, knowing that I wouldn’t elaborate more on the subject, “Have you done it recently?” He asked pointedly, looking at my arms still covered in their various bracelets.


I shake my head, answering honestly, “For the moment, my parents have promised me that they would leave me alone. We will have no contact what so ever. When I am home they are out, and the other way around. The only time we are in the house at the same time is at night when I’m in bed, and they are doing god knows what.”

When I referred to my parents at night I see his eyes widen a bit and a smirk play at his lips but he says nothing about that. “So if I did a strip search right now, you would be absolutely clean? Except for the scars and healing stuff?”

I nod, a sarcastic comment at my lips, but I bite it back knowing that this is not the time for that. Being happy with that, he leans back and looks up at the sky. It is a mild day, with only a few clouds. I move over and join him and look up. Sometimes I wish I could just be up there with the clouds, and not have a care in the world. But now that I think about it, that is how I feel whenever I am with Zane and we are having a good time. When we have our bad moments, it doesn’t feel that way, but any other time it does. Resting my head on his shoulder I sigh.

“What do you see,” he stares, “when you look up there?”

Looking at him I reply, “I see possibilities. Possibilities and freedom. I wish I could know what it was like to walk on clouds. And,” I continue cutting him off, for he had opened his mouth, “I do know that it is indeed impossible to walk on clouds because they are not solid, Mister Science Math and English Geek. What do you see?”

Still smiling at my comment he answers, “I see freedom and choices. But I’m also looking at the dark side of it. I also see how if you were to walk on the clouds, if you take a wrong step you could find yourself falling towards the bottom….” He trails off thinking.

“Always pointing out the negative now aren’t you? Aren’t I usually the one to do that? It seems that we happen to be switching places, slowly but surely.”

“I’m not always pointing out that. And unfortunately, yes, you usually are the negative one here. Though that is no surprise.”

I laugh and hear the bell ring, “Well Mr. Negative, it is now time to go to the oldest “Young” person that I know.”

He joins my laughing and we get up and link arms heading back towards school, almost ready to face what teasing is sure to come.
…

“Now,” Mr. Young begins drawing the word out, “we will do nothing. I was going to let you all out early, but seeing how well you all behave you will all sit here. No talking. No napping. No anything. The only thing you are to do is sit up straight and look forward. Communication of any kind will result in detention.” There was an outbreak from the remaining seniors in the class, “Yes even on the second to last day.” He sat down.

I shot Zane then Mike glances and rolled my eyes. This was pathetic. I stood up, knowing that I wouldn’t get yelled at, and went to the bathroom. It was the same one where Maxine threatened me. I moved to the last stall and took the bracelets of one arm. I looked down to see it all scared. The scars were raised off my skin, and left shadows across the rest of my arm in the darker light. Nothing would ever be the same again I knew that. I also knew that what I had done was something out of desperation. Running my hand over my arm I felt so many different emotions, and it was overwhelming. A tear escaped my eye, I have been so upset lately but happy at the same time. I hastily wiped it away and returned the coverings to my arm. I was not going to let myself cry about this, especially not in school.

I walked out of the stall and looked in the mirror, still repulsed about what I saw but it wasn’t as bad as I have been. The person I saw staring back at me was a stranger, like I no longer knew myself. Shaking my head I walked out of the bathroom and walked back to class. And like Maxine had said, she did my life hell. Now I just have to find a way out of it.

“Lexi is a crazy muffin!” Lissa yelled from down the hallway. She was dragging along a girl who was the opposite of herself. While Lissa had a darker olive-toned skin, this new girl had pale skin. And then Lissa’s dark almost black hair with her bright purple highlights contrasted with the new girls bleached blond hair with bright blue highlights. The only similarity between the two was the way the air around them was seemingly lighter than anywhere around them and the way that they held themselves and looked style-wise.

The girl who I assumed was Lexi blushed scarlet and whispered something in Lissa’s ear which made her burst out laughing. I smiled in spite of myself. It was so hard not to. Lissa looked like she was having the time of her life. And it only took the whole year seeing that it was the last day of school.
Looking around the hallway I noticed people looking on at them with contempt. No one thought that it was the least bit funny. I noticed Maxine looking at me and she looked furious. Then I remembered I had been smiling when I saw Lissa and quickly wiped the smile off my face. But I knew that the damage was done. As soon as I had heard the rumors about Lissa I knew Maxine had started them. She had thought that Lissa and I were going out (which to my dismay was not true), and had hurt Lissa in the worst possible way. I wish I knew how she had learned, because it had been so obvious on Zane’s face when he had comeback from meeting Lissa in the hallway that something had happened that he didn’t know about.
“OH WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?” I heard an unfamiliar voice yell out.
The hall became completely silent except for the hysterical laughing that was coming from Lissa. Her face was bright red, and the look that Lexi was shooting her showed that she was anything but amused. I looked at her laughing face and smiled in spite of myself yet again. Deciding that it was best not to get caught by Maxine again, I walked away towards homeroom. As I rounded the corner I heard the familiar buzz of the hallway coming back. The whole time it took me to get to homeroom I had a smile on my face, just thinking about how happy Lissa looked.
…
I went through the agonizingly long day wondering who that new girl Lexi was. Already I knew that she and Lissa were great friends, and I hoped that she would be following her around all day so I could meet her during seventh period. Right after sixth period science I walked to lunch alone, enjoying the privacy. Normally I would be surrounded the rest of my friends who wanted to know the latest gossip. That’s another thing I hated, was the gossip, because it was all lies with only the occasional truth.
I opened the door to the cafeteria and was instantly hit by a wall of chatter and noise. I could see all the groups with their different “labels” sitting together. Searching the cafeteria I looked to see if I could find a table that I hoped had Lissa sitting at it. Yet again, I saw that she was nowhere to be found among this mass of students. This wasn’t surprising because I almost never saw her. Although today I was hoping that because of her new friend, Lissa would be introducing Lexi to the rest of the school via cafeteria. As soon as I put enough thought into that, I then realized that it was a lost cause because why would anyone in the school pay the slightest bit of attention to someone hanging out with Lissa Andrews and the ever present Zane Mack.
Sitting down at my usual table I got caught up in the normal talk of what happened to whom, and how it all happened. Unfortunately some of the topics got pretty graphic, and today I just couldn’t deal with it so I got up, threw out the remainder of my half eaten lunch, and left. The halls were empty and soothed the oncoming head ach that I had felt developing during lunch. I wandered the halls aimlessly until the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. Soon the halls around me filled up and I was lost in the flow of happy students filled with the end of school high. Though I felt out of place because I was anything but happy, because the end of school meant that I would no longer be able to see Lissa almost every day and if I were that would not only be the end of me, but the definite end of her.
…
Seventh period was finally here, and I wish it would never end. I wasn’t sitting next to Lissa but what I soon learned was her best friend Lexi. They were exact opposites like I had thought earlier. Lissa seemed to know exactly what was on Lexi’s mind and the other way around. Also, Lexi was quite but already I knew she had a great sense of humor.
“So Lexi, where are you from?” I heard Zane ask from next to Lissa.
“New York City,” she answered looking at the desk.
“Lexi tell him where you used to live!” Lissa exclaimed and turned to Zane not waiting for Lexi to explain herself, “She had this kick-ass pent house over-looking Central Park. I have no idea why she moved here to this boring town, but all I know is that I am so happy that she is finally here! I have missed her so ‘effing much!”
“Whoa calm down there Liss,” Zane laughed.
“Now why did you move here?” I asked Lexi.
“Well, I was home sick and I missed this freak,” she replied angling her head towards Lissa, “and I had began to do some pretty messed up stuff up in down there, and the ‘rents thought that it would be best if I came here to a smaller town.”
I had no idea what kind of “messed up stuff” was but I nodded and didn’t ask anything else because she obviously didn’t want to talk about it. Though when she said that I saw Lissa’s face darken up, and really began to wonder what it was.
“Soo Mike, I have heard not one word from you directed in my direction today! What’s with the change? Am I no longer interesting compared to this awesome chick over here, whom you have been ogling all day?” She laughed and looked at me.
“No I guess I’m in a quite mood. And I have not been ogling like you say. I have simply been looking at your new friend.” I rolled my eyes.
“Whatever you say….”
“Yes it is what I say!”
Lissa laughed as Zane and Lexi looked on, “You know I was being sarcastic.”
I shook my head and began to read something I found on my desk. Next thing I knew the paper was ripped from my hands and was being scrutinized by Lissa. She pointed to a word and said, “This makes no sense the way this is written. ‘Sign your name only’. Like what are we going to put our birthday?” she looked at it thought fully and suddenly exclaimed, “OH I GET IT! It like a sign in sheet for something and I guess people were signing in for others. Though the 'your' should have been boldeded.”
“Boldeded? Really Lissa?” I heard Lexi giggle from next to her.
“Yes, boldeded!” She laughed and she and Lexi got into a heated discussion about the pros and cons of adding extra ed’s at the end of words. I watched amused until the bell rang signaling the end of the period.
I grudgingly walked out of the room knowing that I would not be able to see Lissa in a long time.
The last period passed in a blur and when it was time to go home I caught up to Lissa in the hall.
“Hey when you get home will you e-mail me?” I asked her
She smiled, “Sure I will Mike. I’ll talk to you later,” before she walked away she kissed me on the cheek and almost floated away. Shocked on lookers stared at me, when all I could do was look after her, grinning like a fool.

The beginning of summer was like nothing that I thought it would be. Originally, by which I mean before Lexi, I believed that Lissa and I would spend the whole summer together, and I have the feeling she did too. And now, Lexi is everywhere Lissa is, and I cannot find a way to get rid of her because she is making me the third wheel, and I am not enjoying it at all. So right now my goal is to put up with Lexi for now, and find someone else for her to be semi-obsessed with.

…


“Zane get your lazy butt over here!” Lissa yelled at me from the beach entrance. She was clad in bright blue leopard patterned flip-flops, an over-sized t-shirt, and shorts that you could just see under the long fabric of her shirt. Dark purple sunglasses covered her eyes, and the only make-up that she wore was waterproof eyeliner. The main difference I saw was that her hair wasn’t in its usual style. Instead of being pin straight and teased, it fell over her shoulders in black and purple ringlets. Personally I thought she looked great, but she had other ideas.

“Oh I’m coming, I’m coming! You know it would be so much easier for me to catch up if I wasn’t the one carrying everything!” I replied. Though I was only carrying my bag and the cooler, it was heavy.

“Come on toughen up, we need your manly strength to carry the heavy things for the weak helpless ladies,” she grinned.

“Weak and helpless my ass,” I mumbled to myself and trudged on.

“Lexi and I are going to go find a place to set up, ‘kay?” I heard Lissa say as soon as caught up. The two of them walked arm and arm on the sand towards the water, leaving me yet again to catch up with them.

Thankfully the beach wasn’t that crazy, well for a summer day, and there weren’t a lot of people squished together. By the time I caught up to them they already had their towels laid out and were getting ready to lie out. Looking up from what she was doing, Lissa noticed me and ran over and took one of the handles of the cooler and walked over with me.

“Thanks,” I said as we reached the towels and plopped down the cooler.

“No problemo,” she said and continued, “you know you could have always asked for help.”

“What?” I started, “I did ask you two for help!”

“No, you did not,” she grinned, “all you said was that it would be easier if you weren’t carrying everything.”

“You know what? Fine be that way.” I turned away and started to lay out my towel.

Shrugging Lissa turned away and went to her towel, stripping down to her bathing suit. It was a black two piece with purple stripes that matched her hair. And I couldn’t help but stare, she looked great in it. Suddenly she looked up at me and noticing the look on my face she grinned and I laughed.

“Well,” she laughed sitting down on her towel “at least your laugh tells me that you are looking at my face.”

Feeling my face going red I looked away and saw that I wasn’t the only one staring. Most of the guys here had stopped what they were doing and stared open-mouthed. Girls were looking at her enviously; especially those whose guys were staring. Looking back at Lissa, she seemed to be totally at ease even being the subject of so many stares. Suddenly feeling protective I went over to her and sat down.

“Looks like Mr. Scarlet is back,” she grinned looking at me.

“How do you deal with all of the looks so easily?” I asked ignoring her comment.

“What looks?” she asked with fake shock.

“Oh you know very well what looks I’m referring to.”

“Do I? Do I really?”

Exasperated I sighed and looked around us, “Yes you do know, and just answer the question.”

“Since when are you so moody? One second ago you were laughing and now you are all brooding and serious.” She paused looking at me and continued, “In answer your question I think of them as it would be at school. I am always being stared, though that is for being what some call, a ‘freak’.”
I nodded, “But you seem so at ease here and at school you seem a bit more stressed.”
“Well wouldn’t you? Here they aren’t looking at me like I’m in human. Yes it does get uncomfortable after a while but it is easier to brush off because I am accepted. I don’t have to worry about them thinking bad things about me.”
The way she said it, so simply, made me believe her. But there was some distant part of me that didn’t exactly believe it. Though I didn’t want it to ruin the day I let it go.
“Hey Lex, can you get me a soda?” Lissa called to Lexi who was taking out water for herself, “and something for the Thinker over here.”
Nodding she got the drinks and brought them over then plopped down on her own towel a few feet away. She was like the exact opposite of Lissa, well when I was around. Always quiet and subdue she followed us around and I rarely got to spend any time alone with Lissa.
Lissa quietly took hers and opened it and looked out along the horizon. A sad look crossed her face, and though after a while it took on a harder look. A look of almost regret. It scared me a little, because I didn’t know what was going on and I wish I could help her. I was feeling protective again, and I don’t know why.
“Hey Liss, let’s go out into the water,” I said getting up.
Ignoring me she continued to look out at the water and I went and stood in front of her blocking her view.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
“Why yes you can,” I said simply.
“And how can I do that?”
“You can come and take a swim with me.”
Shrugging she got up and stood beside me, “Okay lets go.” We started walking, and she suddenly took off at a run screaming, “Last one to the water is a rotten barnacle!”
Laughing I took off after her and we skidded to a stop just as the water started.
“Well now, you a fast one,” She laughed, and splashed into the frigid Atlantic.
“Now I wouldn’t say fast, I prefer the word nimble.” We made our way further into the water and she dove under. Since the water wasn’t that clean I couldn’t see where she was and I felt my legs being pulled out from under me. I had just enough time to get in a breath before I was completely submerged. I came up gasping only to hear the hysterical laughing coming from my left. Glaring at her I dove under and pulled her under by her ankles.
“Hey that wasn’t nice Mister!” she coughed resurfacing.
“Well it wasn’t nice when you did it either, so I wouldn’t be talking,” I grinned.
“Are you the lady here? I think not.”
I laughed, “Well last time I checked I wasn’t.”
She laughed, “Very funny, now can we get out now? This water is freezing and I need to work on my tan.”
“I don’t think you need to go and tan, you look beautiful the way you are.”
Her shocked look probably mirrored my own, “Umm okay, thanks.”
“You’re um welcome.” We walked awkwardly towards shore, a noticeable space stood between us. Suddenly a huge wave went over us, and the world was a swirling mass of brown. When I finally came up, I noticed that I had rolled the whole rest of the way to the shore, and looking behind me I saw Lissa gasping with laughter.
Face flushed she ran up to me, “Now that was by far the funniest thing I have ever seen.”
“It’s not nice to make fun of those who are balanced challenged.”
“Well now didn’t you say you prefer the word ‘nimble’? That was the perfect example, wasn’t it?” She kept on laughing her face bright.
“Ha yea, that was me at my best,” I said joining in with her laughter. We joined hands and continued the day as it normally would have gone, the awkward moment obviously forgotten.

The days all passed as if I were in a movie. All things blending together. It seemed by the end of August, that it was only a few days had passed, and I would have believed it if the calendar hadn’t told me otherwise. The one thing that stood out was the all consuming sadness that seemed to always be with me, only lessening when I was with him. I longed for the rush that the hard cool blade whispering across my skin brought me. The crimson flow that would follow. And most of all the release I felt with it. I had stopped for him, and I was confident that I wouldn’t start again. Well that was my goal, until school had started up again, and I slowly found myself sucked back to the reality of the High School life.
…

“Lissa!” I heard my name called from behind me.

I turned around and wrapped my arms around the neck of my greeter and whispered in his ear, “I missed you so much.”

Pulling back he planted a soft, sweet kiss on my lips, “I missed you too baby.”

I smiled and kissed him again, “I know, and it has only been how long since we last talked? Twenty minutes?”

“You know that texting doesn’t count.”

“Oh yes it does,” I thought about it and added, “technically.”

“But it is nothing like talking to you like this.”

“That is very true, though it counts.”

“Okay, okay fine it counts.”

I laughed, and followed Zane to my locker. Yes I did just say I followed him to my locker. Well if you want to get technical, it is more of our locker. We shared both mine and his, seeing that they were both conveniently across the school from each other, and both were in proximity to some of our classes. Thankfully we had gotten the same schedule yet again. I don’t know what I would have done if we didn’t. It would have been a mess to say the least.

Ever since the day at the beach we had grown closer. And, eventually he asked me out, I agreed. What had brought up the change in our relationship was that he had noticed my change in mood that day on the beach, and I told him why. When I was little, back when my parents got along, we would always go to the beach. It was the only happy memory I have of them, seeing that soon after that all seemed to go to hell. I would sit up on my dad’s shoulders feeling as if I were on top of the world. And I would be dressed in my frilly pink bathing suit and go wading with my mother. I savored those memories, and I still wish that things hadn’t changed. But as I have learned, change is inevitable.

When I reached the locker it had been already opened and closed, all the books having been retrieved by Zane’s “nimble” abilities.

“You just keep getting slower and slower,” he said.

“No, I think you just get nimbler and nimbler,” I laughed at our little joke.

“Ha sure I have, you just don’t want to admit that you enjoy the fact that you no longer have to dig into that black hole of a locker to find all you crap now that you have me as your servant.”

“Now I wouldn’t call you my servant, just my not-so-little little helper.”

I don’t know how, but Zane had yet to stop growing. He now stood at a tall six-seven, and I was stuck at my tiny five-five. Hopefully he would stop growing soon, because I don’t know if I could deal with having someone so tall always in my presence.

“Oh yes, I’m so your ‘little helper’.”

I swatted at his arm playfully, “would you rather I call you my giant helper.”

“Well that would help my self-esteem seeing that I’m not so little in some areas.”

I rolled my eyes and skipped off in front of him, heading to Lexi’s locker. When I got there I opened it to see if she was here, and I was shocked to see it completely empty.
I stared at it opened mouthed, and soon felt a soft tap on my shoulder, “What is it?”
Still not comprehending it, I pointed to her locker. He sighed and closed it lightly and steered me to homeroom.
“I have something to tell you,” He said as soon as we sat down.
I nodded, “Go on.”
“I wasn’t supposed to tell you, but seeing how no one else has….” He trailed off.
“No, don’t stop, tell me.”
He looked into my eyes sadly, “Lissa, Lexi has moved.”
I gaped at him, “What?”
“She didn’t want you to know until she was gone. She is in Pennsylvania now.”
I felt tears rolling down my cheeks, “Why didn’t you tell me this when you first learned?”
“I had promised her that I wouldn’t until she was gone. She didn’t want to leave knowing how hurt you would be as she told you. Her parents got new jobs. The last thing she wanted to do right now was leave. When she was telling me she was crying, it tore her to pieces knowing that you two would be separated again.”
I continued to cry, feeling worse with every breath. I ran out of the room, just as the bell rang signaling the start of homeroom. Reaching her locker I fell down in front of it, I sat with my back up against it and pulled my knees to my chest. After a minute I heard Zane catch up to me and he pulled me into his arms. I cried knowing the next time I may see her would be a very long time from now. It felt as if a hole had been made in my heart where Lexi was supposed to be. Soon my sobs subsided, and I looked up at Zane, knowing that I looked like a mess. He silently handed me a note. I recognized the purple scrawl on the front. I opened it and read.
Lissa,
I wish I could have told you this myself but I just could not bring myself to bring so much pain to you as I was leaving. I know it was selfish of me, but for both your sake and mine, I believe I made the right choice on leaving this way.
My parents got new jobs at this new law firm in the Philadelphia and the commute was too long for them, so they say. So, we are now living in an apartment and it feels nothing like home. There is no backyard that I know of, and it’s all asphalt and concrete where I am. As soon as things calm down I will try and convince my parents to let you come over for a while and we can find something fun to do in this place.
Please know I miss you so much even as I’m writing this. The summer we spent together was the best summer I have ever had. Our day trips to the beach and then our random excursions to the rivers in the woods were amazing. I love you so much Lissa, please don’t think otherwise. I will always be here for you if you ever need to talk to me, you know how to reach me. You are one of the strongest people I know and even though it won’t be easy, you will be able to move on from my moving away again. I love you.

Your Crazy Muffin,
Lexi <3

I finished reading and felt myself start crying again and hid my face in Zane’s shoulder. I cried for the best friend I have ever known being taken away from me yet again. I cried for the fact that I never really got to say good bye.
Soon enough I knew I would have to get up and go back to class. “you are the strongest person I know.” That broke my heart. I wasn’t strong, I was the weakest person I know. What I did, that was me at my darkest hour. The bell rang and we still sat out in the hall way, me crying into Zane’s shoulder. I heard the whispers that were exchanged as people passed us, but just then I didn’t care; all I cared about was that another person I cared about was gone again.
By the time I finally had the strength to get up it was about five minutes after the bell signaling the start of first had rung. Quickly I ran into the bathroom and surveyed the mess before me in the mirror. My makeup was a mess, and there was no fixing it now, so I scrubbed it all off. The look was different than normally, drastically different, but it worked. I left the room, and walked back to homeroom with Zane. Sure enough the teacher was waiting for us out side.
“What was that all about?” he demanded.

“We had a little incident,” Zane explained.
Mr. Leven surveyed my face and his expression softened, “Just don’t run out like that again, okay?” he mumbled.
Quickly we grabbed our books and gratefully took the pass that he offered us and left after thanking him. We walked slowly and quietly letting what just happened sink in, then brushed it off our shoulders, getting ready for a new day.
…

As soon as I got home I found myself drawn to the drawer in my night table containing my old friend. I carefully took the razor out and studied it. I had gone through five razors, but this was my first. I had only used this one once, on that first day; today it was calling my name. Slowly, I walked to the bathroom, cradling it in my hand. Rolling up the sleeve of my t-shirt I pressed it gently to the top of my shoulder an quickly pulled it down a short length.
As soon as I released it of the pressure I saw the crimson river flow again. Staring at my arm I felt all of the built up emotions overwhelm me. I leaned against the wall and felt myself crumble. I sobbed into my arms, feeling everything I had locked away. Sadness, loneliness, worthlessness, hatred. All of aimed at myself. I hated myself for doing this again. It was my release. My only release. But I had to stop. I thought of all the times I had been tempted, but had stopped at the last second. I felt the disappointment of both myself, and what would soon be Zane’s.

I sat there in a haze for what seemed like hours. My arm covered in the crimson of my blood. I didn’t have any energy left to even move, I moved my head just enough to see my arm, and what I saw made me gasp. I had unconsciously continued to cut my arm, all of them deep and gaping. I stared at them, and soon felt the effects of the blood loss making my dizzy. I looked at the floor to see it covered in my own blood.
Just before I became unconscious I heard the front door slam shut, feet pounding up the stairs, and then the most agonized scream I had ever heard in my life.
“Lissa! Lissa! No! Lissa what did you do? What did you DO?” I felt strong arms wrap around me as I heard the sobs in my ear. “Why, why did you do this? How could you? Lissa! Why?”
“I did it,” I whispered using the last of my energy, “to get rid of the pain.”

I blacked out, the last thing I remember was the feeling of Zane’s body racking with sobs against mine, and his tears mixing with mine.