My father Ben was immature and unready for a relationship that included a child. Well, actually he already had a kid he couldn’t support either. My half brother, Lukas. He lied to my mom and neither of us knew I had a brother. So when Ben learned he was having another child he decided to leave my mom and me. So since then she was in and out of relationships until she met someone named John Dennis. My mom and him dated for months and months until he proposed to her one night at the same place they got married. My mom couldn’t wait to tell me the news. When she did I had little to no reaction. I was never close to John like I wanted to be. He was never the father figure I had been searching for. He was rude to my mom often, he seemed to not care sometimes. So, when I heard that they were getting engaged I was unhappy. More than unhappy, I was confused.

I had heard them arguing countless times. Half the time he didn’t even seem close to her. I was beginning to feel depressed. I guess I thought they were moving too fast and I wasn’t ready. Especially giving that he treated my mom terribly but we both felt trapped. We would have long conversations as we sat in the car at night watching John and his two older sons move their furniture out of the house and into the Uhaul. We would talk about anything. We would talk about the pain we were feeling and we would talk about the relationship my mom and John had. These conversations for me and my mom were our escape, because inside she was trapped and hurting too.

We were moving out of both of our homes and into a house in Richmond. In this house I and my family would have both good and bad memories like fun fake gun wars and just any kind of trouble we could get into. My two step-brothers Chuck and Tylar would teach me how to ride a bike, how to kayak, and a bunch of other cool things that I never had the chance to experience with just my mom. But, in the transition from our homes to Richmond came bad things too, and a lot of them.


Arguments heard from my bedroom lasting almost 30 minutes. Music and games were another escape for me that helped me cancel out all the bad things. I would stay up almost all night playing and talking to my friends while drowning out the yelling and crying from the room across the hall. That was a way for me to find happiness. Another escape for me was leaving the house late at night with my brothers and going to the gym, riding around store parking lots, and getting into trouble with each other.

At that time I had never been more stressed out. I had developed bad habits and I felt terrible about everything. So, I held onto my escapes. My step-brother introduced me to his best friend, Jason. Jason was an escape for me. I have only good memories with Jason and how he impacted my life in a great way. He was an awkward sort of shy person but was funny and cool once you got to know him.

We would sit on the couch and watch low-quality horror movies while we laughed and insulted the terrible characters and actors. All the small things we did together and experienced together were like a huge freedom. One day our family decided to have a family game night and just play board games together for hours. Jason happened to be there the night that someone broke in through our back door in the basement. We all sat there startled wondering if we were sure we heard something. We all went downstairs, following my step-dad slowly. Our dog was trained for this sort of stuff and chased after the man on command. We didn’t know the situation and were huddled in a basement closet with a dirty fork and a baseball bat. Jason was the older one and he had the baseball bat at the door just waiting for someone to come in. We hadn’t known yet that our family was chasing the guy down the street. I was unbelievably scared huddled in the corner with my fork. Jason calmed me down and said that everything would be ok. Now, I can laugh about how dumb it was but it brings back memories with him that I wish I could experience again.

A little while after we moved back to Lexington, Jason stopped coming over as much and started losing his light. I remember the last night he slept over but I never remembered saying goodbye. I never thought he was the way he was. My brother got the news halfway through the school day and came home devastated. I had never seen him break down like that until then. His best friend had killed himself and we never knew what he was feeling.

Jason was an escape for me but our family didn’t know that we were an escape for him. His home life was miserable and his parents mistreated him. I never really knew a lot about his home life because he was so happy with us and would never bring his darkness into his light. That would’ve been the last thing he wanted to do. Sometimes you feel like it’s partly your fault that someone committed suicide. But usually it’s the opposite. You can never know. It hurts to think that you could’ve said one thing different or that you should’ve never let him leave your house the night he committed suicide. Sometimes I blame myself partly because when we moved back to Lexington from Richmond he had spent less time with us and more with his family in sadness and depression. But we never knew that he was actually sad.

The grips you have in your life should never be taken for granted. My grips were my escapes. The reason I lived through my feelings of depression and suicidal thoughts were because I may have had just enough escapes. But some people lose their grips. Some people get to a point where their only way to end their pain is to end their life. My friend Jason got to such a point with his escapes that they weren’t enough. So you may complain about the annoying chores or tasks in your life but cherish the fun moments and the good things whether that be people, places, or things because one day those could be all you have to hang onto.