Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.



This poem has really start to hit home for me lately. I don’t exactly know why, or how, or when. But lately I’ve been catching myself reminding myself that everything changes. Nothing stays the same. That’s the way life works, right? Well, my question is: Why?

Why are we forced to go through such hard times?

Why can’t everybody just be continually happy?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why can’t I stop f***ing everything up?

Why can’t everything just stay the same?

Why the f*** do I have to grow up?

WANNA KNOW WHY? Because that’s the way the life f***ing works. Life is a mysterious compilation of happiness, distraught, hope, sympathy, disdain, and any other emotion you can think of, all jumbled into one tiny body. ONE HUMAN. ONE.F***ING.MINUTE.PRESENCE.

Yes, it sucks. Yes, it will get better. But, you’ve got to actually believe that it’s going to get there. You can’t just say “yeah, I guess I’ll get there, one day, maybe.” and then never f***ing think about it again. You need to let that feeling of hope, and faith fill your entire being. Let it consume you. Let it overload the feeling of worthlessness, depression, distraught mix of s*** you’ve got brewing inside your body.

That might not make much sense, but, you’ve got to f***ing trust me. You can’t just let this feeling penetrate your mind for one day, and give up because ‘it got too hard’. You have to wake up everyday, reassuring yourself that everything is going to get better. When you feel that wicked monster return, STOMP ON HIS MOTHER****ING HEAD. I don’t care how ridiculous it makes you look in public. Physically make yourself stomp on the imaginary head of a stupid, sadistic monster.

The monster you’re trying to get rid of is incessant. It won’t stop until all your happy memories are gone. Pardon my nerdy reference, but, it’s like the Dementors from Harry Potter. The only way to get rid of it is to penetrate it with the Patronus Charm, a spell powered by all the good memories that you have, before they’re all extinct.

I realize that the fear of moving on can be paralyzing at times. But it needs to happen. It’s the ONLY way to make yourself whole again. You may think that the only thing to do it go back in time, fix mistakes, take back words, say something to change a mind, but none of that will help. Because everything happens for a reason.

You don’t know what that reason is until you pick up the pieces, glue/tape/piece them together, and come to terms with reality.

This all seems very harsh, yes. It is. But it’s what needs to happen. You can’t go on pretending to be happy, cause that’s just going to make you more miserable.

But please, if you ever feel like you can’t handle anything that’s running through your mind, talk about it. Go to someone, a counselor, a teacher, a friend, someone, ANYONE, and talk about it. Don’t resort to taking your life into your own hands. It’s not worth it. Part of me only says this because I was introduced to the traumatizing effects of an attempted/faked suicide at a young age.

One night, before my parents got divorced, they got into a fight. The argument had awoken me out of my sleep and I was slightly dazed. After some 45 minutes of listening to them bicker about mindless bullshit, my dad went into the kitchen, grabbed a serrated bread knife, went into his bedroom, locked the door behind him, and the only thing I heard after that was a “THUD”. So, naturally, I thought my dad had stabbed himself, and killed himself. My mother called the cops. While we were waiting for them to arrive, my dad retreated from his bedroom, asking my mother how the f*** she could do such a thing. She replied with something that any sane person would. “I didn’t know what the f*** you did in there!” By the time the cops got there, my brother was awake. He and I were huddled in the corner, in tears, for obvious reasons. The cops took my dad away, and he ended up staying the night at my grandmothers’ house. This was a privilege since he left the house without an argument.

For some reason, I can’t shake the feeling that I played a part in his attempted/faked suicide. And, I guess what I’ve been too afraid to admit to everyone is that if you ever ended up going through with yours, I’d feel partially responsible for it, too. Especially because I’m the one who’s holding you back from everything.

So, I’m sorry. I’m so f***ing sorry.

I’m sorry for being that needy friend.

I’m sorry for holding you back from your eternal life away from everyone.

I’m sorry for caring so much about you that I do whatever I can to make you stick around.

I’m sorry that you’re not happy.

I”m sorry that I can’t take away your pain. And oh, believe me, I want to.

I’m sorry that I say the wrong things.

I’m sorry that I f*** everything up.

I’m sorry if you hate me for this.

I’m sorry that I’m not a better friend.

I’m just so f***ing sorry.

You really never will know how much I love you. But, I’ll keep on telling you throughout my whole life. You’re the best friend that I’ve ever had. You’re the sister that I’ve always asked for. You’re proof that good things do come to those who wait. You’ve made these last few months so f***ing incredible, I can’t even fathom it. You don’t know how much you’re loved.

I just hope that one day, you can find the person you’re looking for underneath all the layers of hurt and repair that you’ve endured. And when you find her, among all the layers, I hope you’re proud. Robert Frost was right about the fact that nothing gold can stay, but he forgot to mention that the hard times can’t stay forever, either. I hope you can learn to love yourself as much as I love you.

Because I love you, so much. But, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.