I find myself balancing on a tightrope in between two worlds in my own head. Who I am and who I was. I do a good job shoving myself into tiny boxes, or organizing myself so that only the beautiful things are on display. I dropped my sister off at the beach today so she could hang out with her friends. That's when I saw the divide between the two parts of me most clearly- by seeing the divide in her and me. 

She is like the sound of reggae music on the beach, or the sun warming your skin. I am like a puddle of gray waiting for someone to misstep and let me ruin their day. As we drove her eyes twinkled like stars as she sang along to the radio, letting her fingers dance in the air. I stared straight ahead with my short hair whipping my face, eyes drifting between focus. She was going to have a picnic on the beach. I was going home to lay in my bed, call my friends, and stare at the ceiling until their voices blurred together in some sad sort of lullaby.

It was like being blasted back in time, and looking at myself in the mirror. Freshman year I had fun. I knew the secret. Three years later, I am bored and tired. I don't feel like I lost myself though, instead it feels like I have formed an entirely different personality. But I still havent let go of my old personality yet either. They are constantly fighting for attention in my head. Do I have fun, or do I let myself catch up on sleep?

Two years ago I would have hated who I was right now, but right now I hate the girl I was two years ago. I'm slowly learning that it's okay to cut off parts of yourself that are dying- but sometimes I don't want to.