Loss is something so sad yet so beautiful, almost. Loss is freaking out until you can’t cry or scream anymore, loss is being sad, mad and frustrated at everything and everyone. Losing someone who means the world to you can easily be the toughest thing to go through in life. Losing your biggest inspiration and role model takes a toll on you. You look at everything in life differently, one day the person you love the most is there and the next day they are gone. How can such an awesome person be gone? Everything you know is changed and you have no idea what to do with your time, or what to do at all.

On a summer day in June, a day like any other, it seemed quite perfect. But Myah’s almost perfect day (and life) was quickly about to change and impact everything she knew. Myah woke up, got dressed and was doing her normal routine. Her clothes felt fresh, like clean linen, they smelled of dryer sheets and a hint of detergent. She combed her hair, it was so curly almost like little ringlets but she did not have time to straighten it so she threw it up into a ponytail. She put on pink sandals to match her outfit; it was a light pink like brand new ballerina slippers, the kind of pink that reminded you of happiness and love.

It was right now that Myah’s life would change forever. Myah’s mom came into her room very upset. Myah would never forget the look on her mom’s face when she said. “Grandma had a stroke, we have to go to the hospital” said Tanya Myah’s mom. A stroke? How could such a young, fun, outgoing, person suffer this horrible thing? How could the healthy woman Myah talked to on the phone yesterday all of a sudden become so ill?

The ride to the hospital was a time for thinking and a time to reminisce. A time to think about all the amazing and thoughtful things Myah and her Grandma Peggy did together. Myah closed her eyes and thought…

She thought about last fall and spring. Myah and her grandma would always make four or five trips a year to Toronto to see plays at all the different theatres. For Myah’s grade eight graduation, the year before, her Grandma had bought the season tickets for her. They would spend the whole day together and have such a magnificent time. The days were always perfect, the sky was as blue as the ocean floor and blue moon ice cream. They always got dressed up and made it an event. Days like these brought Myah true happiness. Her grandma and her were so alike; spending the whole day together was something they both loved to do.

“Myah we are here.” Myah’s mom stated 

Myah snapped out of her thought and got out of the car to follow her mom.

When they arrived at the hospital, Myah stepped out of her car and followed her mom. This was sad for Myah and so many thoughts raced through her head. “How bad was the stroke”, “Is she alright”, “How long was she alone for?” When they arrived, Grandma Peggy was in the ICU. She couldn’t speak, drink, eat or do anything. Seeing someone you love look like this can be absolutely heart wrenching; but Myah didn’t want to think of the negative. She wanted only happy things to come. For a moment Myah drifted away in thought again…

Myah thought about when she was really little around 3 or 4 and about the height of a small beanstalk plant. She would go to her grandmas everyday. This woman was the one who taught Myah how to read and how to write. This amazing woman was the person who did everything to make Myah who she was today.

Grandma Peggy was Myah’s biggest influence and led her to every single decision she had made in her life.

While in the hospital, Myah couldn’t focus on the important situation, but she was focused on everything else in the hospital surrounding them. Kids crying, mothers yelling and doctors. Awful, annoying, doctors. Doctors were another thing Myah could not stand, but had to endure for the sake of others. Every two seconds doctors were telling her she was “too young” or that she “didn’t understand”. Myah often thought that the doctors assumed she was 11 or 12 but in reality she was 15 and everything in her life had just been spun around.

Myah had to go to work this day so even though everything in her whole life had been shifted she still had to live her life and pray that the woman she loved would use her strength to get through. The next month of Myah’s life was not so simple or pleasant either…

Everyday became harder and harder, watching her Grandmas struggle become worse and worse on a daily basis. Until one day Myah came in with her mom to the stroke department at the hospital where her grandma was staying. It smelt like usual; the smell was almost indescribable but had Myah picturing them pouring bleach on the floors so many times that it created its own smell in a weird way. Myah walked in the room and Grandma was making words and writing things down and understanding who people were. She was so postivie and in awesome spirit. The made Myahs whole face and life in general light up. Grandma Peggy had been in the hospital for 14 days and had been in really good recovery. Due to this positive spirit and uplifting thing Myah’s parents sent Myah away to a friend’s cottage up in muskoka for 3 days, they thought it would help Myah clear her mind and understand what was really going on.

Myah had a great 3 days, she did super cool and new activities like waterskiing and wake boarding it was like she was living in a tiny little paradise where nothing went wrong. It took her mind off things but when things seemed to be going well it all took a turn for the worse. These awful thoughts Myah had about what could happen to her Grandma Peggy turned into a true reality. Myah returned to her house on Sunday night and everything seemed fine, her mom was at the hospital but that’s where she had been this whole time so it seemed like a quite regular night. Myah slept that night having awesome memories and praying that everything would turn around. The next day she woke up and her dad walked in her room; by the look on his face she could tell something wasn’t right. “What’s wrong dad?” Myah asked, her dad could barely get the words out of his mouth but he managed to say “Its your grandmother, she has passed”. Myah’s whole head was spinning, better yet her whole world. How could this happen? How could one day be so perfect and awesome and then it all fall apart in a matter of minutes? Nothing seemed real, it had to of been a dream Myah thought, nothing this bad could be happening right now.

Everything around her was crashing down. She wondered how a person could feel this many emotions at once and how it could hurt this bad. It felt like a sharp jagged dagger had torn through every little heart muscle and messed her up. This was really hard for Myah being only 14 she had never lost anyone this close to her before. Ever. This was Myah’s first experience of loss and it wasn’t turning out so well.

Myah’s uncle lived in Toronto so he came down to clean her grandmother’s house out and clear out some stuff. Clearing out her whole house only took two days; they were on her uncle’s schedule, which meant moving way too fast to even think about what they were throwing out or what even had meaning. This was most upsetting to Myah and her mom.

“What about all the things she wanted us to have” Myah would ask, and in return would usually get a response like “Well I don’t know” or “please just figure it out”. The next week moved so fast. Myahs grandma wasn’t very traditional and took like life it was the most fun journey you can ever have. She didn’t want a sad lame funeral, when she was living she always said she wanted a FUNeral. An event where loved ones come and go as they please and share pleasant stories and bring baked goods and celebrate life, rather than dwelling on the negative events.

This day was so interesting for Myah. She got to talk to so many of her grandmas friends that she had never met and found out that all her grandma did was talk about her. Every single person she talked to said, “oh this must be the famous granddaughter, your grandma loved you so much and don’t you ever forget it”. This was so reassuring, knowing that an end of someone’s life can bring so many people together and talk about so many awesome things.

There was book there too that everyone go to sign and write a happy quote or message or anything uplifting really that would make the evening even happier than it already was.

There was one comment written in the book that really caught Myahs attention. It was from a co-worker of Grandma Peggy’s
It stated
“Life is a precious journey, don’t take anything for granted, one day you have something and the next day it’s gone.”

This statement for some reason really affected Myah in a way that too hard to describe. Tears started to fall down her face so slowly… it was like one little drop after drop, like watching a raindrop hit your window and slowly slide down. It wasn’t a sad cry, it was a relieving cry, Myah was finally able to grieve in a positive way finally.

“Life is so precious,” thought Myah. Everyday people get up and don’t even realize what they really have. Someone who probably loves them very much, a warm bed, clothes to wear, warm food on the table. We all take these things for granted but the thing we take most for granted is family. One day your family is there and the next day they could be gone. So much could happen in an hour or even in a couple of minutes, everything altered. Myah didn’t understand all of this. Why do the ones we actually appreciate the most always end up being the ones who are gone first. This FUNeral was the day Myah decided that she was going to grieve peacefully and make her Grandmas life something to be happy about and celebrated.

Everyone started to clear out, Myahs mom sat with Myah. “I love you so much mom and I hope you honestly know that” Myah said. Myahs mom nodded her head and quietly said “I love you to the moon and back forever and ever”

A week passed by and things were calmer in the Birrell household. They went back to their normal routine. Myahs mom and Dad walked every morning with the dog, Myah went to work and read, Eric played with his friends. It was weird, how normal things can go back to how they were. Everything seemed untouched like nothing had happened, like the happy euphoria was over the whole family. How could this be? This whole loss thing really confused Myah so much. She didn’t know the right way to feel at all.

Myah would find a play ticket or something that reminded her of Grandma Peg. Myah didn’t really know how to feel emotion anymore. She didn’t want to talk to her mom about it and for sure didn’t know how to talk to her friends about it. She sometimes practiced in her mirror about what she could possibly say if she wanted to open up about it.

“I’m sad, my grandma died”. No, way too straight forward.
“Death sucks”. Still didn’t seem right, too much angst.
“Sometimes I cry about my Grandma”. This didn’t feel right either, Myah didn’t want pity she just wanted to talk. This was SO hard.
“Ugh” Myah said outloud to herself, how was she going to fix this dilemma of all her feelings and no talking. For now it would get boxed up and thought about later with all the other emotions she hasn’t shared
“ No one wants to hear about my problems anyways,” Myah thought to herself again.

Dealing with emotions was the hardest struggle for Myah. Sometimes she would be fine but some nights when looking at old pictures of watching a TV show she would break down. So many things reminded Myah of her Grandma. Its little things you think you don’t pick up on at the time. Like singing the same songs in the shower, or watching a movie you first watched with that person. Mainly for Myah it was every time she wrote, her and her grandma were the only ones in the whole family who were left-handed so in a way that was something she considered their own thing but at the same time always reminded her Grandma Peg.

Myah would sometimes pick up the phone and one hundred percent not remember, she would dial the number and let it ring without realizing that the number is no longer in service. “This is not fair” Myah would say constantly. Thinking into the future scared Myah even more. Her grandma wouldn’t be there for graduation or her wedding or her first-born child. How do you go through life without your rock, your supporter, and your BEST friend? What was going to happen at these moments? What was Myah going to do when something exciting happens and she just wants to share with someone who really cares The most depressing part is that you can not control any of this, and you cant really talk to these people anymore. All you can do is grieve and try to accept what your life is like now. The pain of loss never goes away but it does get better, and you eventually feel better.

Its just crazy how one event in a person’s life can change their whole world and affect the people around them too. One small thing or one big thing can change your whole outlook.

Myah closed her journal and walked downstairs. Writing really helped Myah grieve and open up. Taking a writing class at school helped her discover her passion for writing more and helped her write and talk out loud about her feelings and emotions.

Myah walked into the kitchen “What’s for breakfast, I am tired, hungry and in a rush”. Myah’s mom didn’t like her tone of voice and gave Myah attitude. Myah smiled as big as she could, arguing for Myah and her mom was something they did in the morning usually about silly comments Myah would make, or Myahs mom being dramatic. Myah smiled so big because she knew things were finally back to the way things were. Not being so tense really changed the dynamic of the mornings and of things the family did everyday.

Myah grabbed her books and her schoolbag, glanced at herself in the mirror and saw the person she wanted to be and the person her grandma would want her to be. She put on her shoes and walked outside, she got in the truck that used to be her grandmas, and looked at the keychain on the front mirror. It was a lamb, so lame and pointless but for Myah had meaning. This lamb was given to Grandma as an Easter gift from Myah when she was 3. Every single year after she got this small little keychain she would put it in any car she had. Having this keychain was a daily happy reminder that Grandma Peggy was always there no matter what.

But there wasn’t a day that went by that Myah didn’t think about her Grandma, she sometimes would pick up the phone and forget that there would be no answer, sometimes when something really exciting happened or Myah achieved an accomplishment it wasn’t as exciting because the woman she wanted to share it with wasn’t there anymore. Myah lived her life remembering the loss, it was a feeling she carried every single day, a feeling no one understands until they have lost someone themselves. Loss is a beautiful thing but it is also the scariest thing to go through. It will scare you so bad that you wont know what to do. It’s an emotion that makes you tougher but weaker, happy but sad, and for one thing makes you look at things so differently.