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Standing Frozen in the Flames
The flames are burning bright, everyone is laughing, and I’m watching, observing, and analyzing the different groups of friends that are hanging out and having a good time. That’s all that matters in life right, having a good time? The bon fire seems to be alive and free; almost as if the burning flames are as free as the rest of the teens who are dancing so wildly. Cars are lined in the town park, and people’s car doors are open with music blasting into the night air. Its homecoming week in October and everyone came from the football game; we lost, but we had team spirit. Teens are dancing, some are talking, some are alone, and some are mingling. I feel joyful with my friends, until I remember that loss of hope I felt last year. I look over; he’s laughing, talking, mingling; I’m watching, just simply watching. How would I ever find the courage to talk to him? He doesn’t know me, but that’s a good thing. I’ll just leave it alone and nothing good or bad will have to come from the situation. I’m only protecting myself from the pain; future pain that I know is just around the corner. I know it's not worth the risk.
It was just last year, similar groups of friends were hanging out and soaking up the flames; enjoying life in the moment of simplicity. My mind is fading back into the memories, and I find myself re-living the nightmare of yesterday.
“Hey”, his voice was deep and sincere.
“What?” I looked up at him with bright eyes and a sweet grin.
We were sitting side by side on the hood of his car, also with a few of his friends, gazing into the wonderfully built fire. My head was resting on his shoulder, and he had his arm around me. I had remembered my freshman year, looking into those flames, and how hard we had worked to supply the wood for burning, but I was a sophomore this year and things were different.
“When do you need to be home?” he leaned into my ear to ask me.
“Well, whenever you want to take me home…” I said to him, “but, I kind of want to stay a little longer, don’t you?”
He looked into the bonfire, and around at the different groups of friend’s laughing. “Well, I kind of have to be home at 10:30 pm. My mom doesn’t want me out late tonight.” He said in a strange tone of voice.
“Oh.” I said in a disappointed voice. I had thought that was strange since he never really minded his mother anyways.
“Yeah, so I think I should take you home here in a few minutes.” He said to me.
I was a little bummed about having to go home, but I thought maybe he’d want to hang out at my house for a little bit. I wished I had a car. I could have stayed longer with him, and he wouldn’t have to worry about taking me home. I couldn’t wait until I was a junior, then I’d have my license. I’d be able to drive myself wherever and whenever I wanted; with the consent of my mother anyways.
I watched as his friends laughed and whispered things to each other. His friends were so weird; but funny. I was really enjoying the freedom I had and I was also glad they didn’t cancel the bonfire. It had started pouring rain an hour prior to the fire; everyone was dreading that we wouldn’t be able to light it, but luckily the rain stopped and we were able to celebrate.
I had gotten in his car by now, and I was waiting for him to finish talking to his friends. After a minute or so he got into the car with a big grin.
“So,” he said as he started his old white car, “What do you feel like listening to?”
“Ummm...” I thought for a moment.
“Sounds great!” he said sarcastically, “I like that band to!”
I laughed at him, as he chose a System of a Down CD. I was really glad we had similar music interests, but he did listen to some heavier music than I did. On the way to my house, we talked about different interests and theories; and just life in general. He kept looking at me and smiling, as I would yell at him to pay attention to the road. I had a thing for his eyes. They were so beautifully blue, and not to mention his smile was beautiful to. His personality was just simply beautiful.
We finally made our way to the turnoff to my driveway. The moon and stars were out on this brilliant night; nothing could compare to this moment of bliss. We sat in the driveway for a little bit before exiting into the bitter air. I was freezing, so I wrapped my arms around him and buried my head into his warm jacket. He rested his chin onto of my head and kissed me.
“You’re cute.” He whispered to me.
He always told me I was cute. He was silly. I knew I wasn’t cute; he must have been lying to me. I’d never had a guy that was so nice to me before.
“So we’ve got to talk.” His tone of voice suddenly changed from comforting to concerning.
My heart suddenly froze. He couldn’t possibly want to talk to me about what I think he wants to talk about. I stayed calm. I had just gone through a horrible heartbreak not that long ago, and I wasn’t planning on going through another.
“About what?” I asked sweetly.
“Our relationship,” he stated, “this isn’t going to work out between us.”
I was instantly confused, devastated, broken, helpless, and embarrassed. How could this happen again. What was I doing wrong?
“I don’t understand,” I stated calmly, “we’ve only been together for a few weeks”, I looked at him in the eyes, “I thought you really liked me.”
“I do really like you,” he said, “you’re really pretty.” He smiled at me and then looked to the ground, “but, I’m not ready for commitment. I want to hang out with my friends.”
“But, I thought I was your friend.” I muttered. “It’s that the only reason why you went out with me,” I asked, “Because you thought I was pretty?”
“No, your personality is cool to.” He said.
I didn’t understand anything that was going on. All I knew was that I was done for; I’d never see the light of day again. I had a big heart, but I guess not big enough to deal with everything that was happening in my life; and not just including heartbreak.
“Bye.” I told him. I didn’t know what else to say to him. I just wanted to get away from him. I couldn’t look at him; sadness was consuming me more and more as I’d stare at him longer.
“I’m sorry.” He told me as he walked off to his car.
I felt like history had replayed itself. I was so done with everything. I was falling into a state of depression and darkness. I walked into my house and into my room. And yes, I started to cry. I had nothing better left to do, but I had a hard time crying in front of people. I guess I had an act for bottling the pain.
Suddenly fingers started snapping in front of my face.
“Alicia!” my friend yelled at me, “earth to Alicia!”
“Huh,” I look up to see my friend in front of me.
“Alicia, were you day dreaming or what?”
“Oh… it’s nothing,” I said. “Just thinking about past memories.”
“Well, you need to stop being so bummed out and enjoy the fire.” She said, “You only live once you know.”
“Yeah,” I look up into the fire, and then over at the guy I like, “I know.”