I never really understood depression until I experienced it firsthand. I used to think that depression was something that only crazy people who were confused and weak felt. Now my perception has changed. I am a seventeen-year-old girl. I have a nice family and home. I live in a fairly small, well-off town. I have my own car and job. I do well in school and am the president of my class. I am involved in my church and do community service. I have experimented with drugs and alcohol. I sometimes lie to my parents and skip classes. I am a normal teenager.

I do not know how or why I became depressed. Last fall, I suddenly found myself changed. I was always sad and tearful, and never wanted to be at school, home, or with my friends. I could not eat or sleep. I even thought about suicide. My usual smile had disappeared and a frown had taken its place. I seemed to be walking through life in a gray cloud, not paying attention or caring what happened to me.

I knew that I needed to take action. I started therapy and began medication to bring myself to a "therapeutic level of health," whatever that means. I worked hard every day to think positively and try to heal myself. But it did not matter how much I tried to think positively and wanted to get better. I had many internal problems. My counselor helped me work through some troubling issues and helped me get to know who I am. It was good to have her to talk to so I did not feel so alone.

Today I am still fighting the battle of depression. The medication has helped lift my spirits somewhat, but it did not erase the situation I am in or the problems that I face. It is hard when I do not like the place I am in and feel alienated from others. I am taking things one day at a time. Although my gray cloud still exists, the hardest part - knowing I needed help and getting it - is over. Sometimes the only things that keep me going are a hot bath or cup of tea - and my future goals of becoming a wife and mother.

My reason for writing this is not for people to feel sorry for me. My hope is that if there are others out there who feel the same way and relate to my experience, they will be comforted to know they are not alone. To realize I needed help, I almost had to give up. Do not wait that long. Find out what is making you depressed and try to fix it. Do not think too far ahead, but take things day by day. Most importantly, try to find things to be grateful for and be happy instead of moping around. You would be surprised how much optimism, the stars, or a favorite TV show can cheer one up. If you see someone who might be having a hard time, say hello and let them know you care and are concerned. Sometimes a simple smile can warm the heart and make someone feel better. tf