It's all in your head, Sarah. It's all in your head, I keep telling myself. I am coiled in a ball on the bathroom floor, gently rocking back and forth. Gradually, my accelerated breathing slows. Lightheadedness sets in, and I close my eyes to prevent them from aching. Bit by bit, I regain my conscious thoughts and the dizziness fades.

Feeling strong enough to gather myself off the floor, I look at the girl before me in the mirror. Her lips are white and remnants of tears streak her cheeks. Exhausted, I stagger out of the bathroom. Crawling under my once-warm sheets, I prop up three pillows; I don't like to lie down on a full stomach. Knowing I have school in the morning, I force myself to relax. I look at the luminescent numbers on the clock. 2:14 a.m.

I try to make my mind wander to topics like school or even boys, but all I can think about is the lump of food sitting in my stomach. With every toss and turn, I can feel the juices sloshing.

Only four dreadful minutes pass before I encounter the next wave of nausea. I don't want to throw up. I can see the gruesome scene of vomiting playing over and over in my head. Why can't I be scared of something else? Normal people are scared of spiders or clowns. What am I scared of? Throwing up.

I shouldn't have eaten before bed. I knew this would happen. I begin to panic; I can feel my chest tightening and my palms glazing with sweat. When I tell people I have a phobia of throwing up, I don't think they understand the full extent of it. They say, “Yeah, I hate throwing up too.” I don't just hate vomiting – I'm terrified of it.

On a daily basis, my thoughts seem always focused on throwing up. For example, in class, when I hear someone cough, burp, or even mention that they feel the least bit sick, I get paranoid that they are going to throw up. If I am watching a TV show or movie, I constantly worry that someone on the screen is going to throw up. I couldn't stay in the room while my classmates were dissecting a pig in biology because I was scared that someone might throw up, or that I might. I ended up having a panic attack and spending the rest of the period in the nurse's office. But I don't go to the nurse unless it is a dire emergency because I am scared someone might be there throwing up. I avoid school bathrooms because someone may have thrown up in them. I won't swallow big pills because I might choke and throw up.

I know my thoughts are irrational. When I am put into a situation where I begin to feel nauseous, I panic. I become irrational, I hyperventilate, I feel dizzy. I worry that I might pass out, but usually I can calm myself down. My mom used to tell me that it was all in my head. So, whenever I am freaking out, I tell myself it's all in my head because it's reassuring to know that I might not actually throw up.

Finally I begin to feel a little better, and relax against the pillows. I glance at the clock. 3:04 a.m. I turn onto my side and pull my covers up tightly. I can finally get some sleep.