The Hatred, the Pain, the Gunshot | Teen Ink

The Hatred, the Pain, the Gunshot

April 14, 2012
By firelord SILVER, Queensbury, New York
firelord SILVER, Queensbury, New York
8 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

My alarm clock buzzes and shakes me from my dream. The only place I feel safe enough to be myself. I don’t fit in well, I’m bullied constantly. You know, everybody loves a f***ing queer. Oh, no, it really is nice, though. Total strangers get to vote on whether or not I get to marry the person I love. And as a bonus, everyone loves to be in my personal business. Lucky me! I shower, dress, get my backpack, and eat breakfast. Done. With my stomach in knots, I head out the door to catch my bus.

It’s not long before I get on my bus when I hear the school bully yell, “Faggot!” Like, are you kidding me? It’s seven in the morning. F*** off. Instead I make my way to the back. In solitude, and I do my best to hold back the tears.

Upon arriving at school, everyone stares at me. Oh, right. I’m a freak show. I don’t even consider being gay as one of my defining characteristics, but people are too shallow and cliqued up to care. Coming out at 15 wasn’t my best choice, but it was necessary. If high school is supposed to be the time of my life, it sucks. So I figured I wouldn’t bother hiding myself like these assholes.

I flip off people here and there, to remind them I don’t give a s***. But it still hurts. I try to appear unmoving, like a stone, but underneath I’m a soft and creamy center. And I bruise easy as a peach.

In my first class, biology, I’m hated. Literally hated. I get called on, and picked on. I hear, “Look at this slomo try to answer. He’s f***ing stupid. Go kill yourself, you useless flamer.” Of course. Why should I live? It’s a common theme to say I’m just like everyone else. Except they’re infinitely better.

My day is rough. When I finally get to lunch, I sit alone in the back. I can barely manage down my sandwich. I go back up for a drink. Maybe some water will make me feel a little better.

I’m halfway up when I trip. Some big jock just decided to stick his leg out. Classic, oh, hey, did I tell you how much I don’t f***ing care? That’s when my hair gets wet and I realize there’s now chocolate milk running down my face. It mixes with blood and tears. I can’t take this s*** anymore. I’m running home.

When I get there, I search the basement. Ah, an old rifle. I grab bullets from another drawer. My hands goes up and down the shaft as I think about sweet release. But my poor mother and little sister…no. Too late. I prop the gun next to my head. No note. No nothing. I pull the trigger.

The last thing I heard was the gun shot. And I instantly fall asleep. And never wake up.

The author's comments:
An essay I wrote on Teen Ink's bullying contest. Note, it is rather short, under 500 words, so I'm unable to be completely detailed. But the message is clear. NOTE: F-BOMBS AND PROFANITY ARE INCLUDED IN THIS PIECE.

Similar Articles


This article has 13 comments.

on Dec. 15 2017 at 1:49 pm
callmeshreya BRONZE, Franklin, Wisconsin
3 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the change in the world you want to see

Thank you for writing something that I can completely relate to. I feel like I get bullied every day and I can never do anything about it. I really liked this!!!!!

W0W0coW BRONZE said...
on Jan. 19 2017 at 11:49 pm
W0W0coW BRONZE, Aurora, Colorado
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss

You had me crying....

mplo said...
on Jun. 12 2016 at 7:33 am
What you say is quite true, Xizzio. Bullying, however, can also lead to other things, such as murder, or to a victim of bullying turning aggressor; inotherwords, people who've been bullied often become bullies themselves. Here's why: Being victimized puts a person on the defensive, because it gives him or her a feeling of inferiority. Victimizing another person in some way or other is a way of attempting to get off of the defensive. This is the kind of thing that has happened here in the United States since day one (immigrants who've been looked down upon often victimize others), and it can take place in the school yard, or in the hallways, or, as adults, even in the workplace, or whatever, in the form of teasing or physical abuse.

on Jan. 11 2016 at 10:30 am
Nated315 DIAMOND, Georgetown, New York
92 articles 7 photos 105 comments

Favorite Quote:
Truth has many shades. It's not a matter of black and white, but many grays.

I totally relate to the main character! I feel really emotional every time I read this! Thank you for writing this!!!!!!

mplo said...
on Aug. 19 2015 at 1:07 pm
Wooo! What an intense essay! Sorry to hear that you had to take so much crap, especially at your age. High school is a tough time for everybody, but Sophomore years, for a lot of people (including myself), was especially tough. Lots of people I knew/know claim that Sophomore year of high school is the worst year, too. There's just absolutely no excuse for bullying, and no excuse for the fact that people in various positions of authority in schools (including teachers) allow bullying to slide like that. Just out of curiosity, have you thought of possibly studying a martial art or other form of self-defense, in order to boost up your confidence, therefore reducing your likelihood of being a target for bullies? Being insulted and called names, and physically savaged just for being who you are is devastating. Here's hoping that things begin looking up for you soon.

on Feb. 10 2015 at 9:17 am
Nated315 DIAMOND, Georgetown, New York
92 articles 7 photos 105 comments

Favorite Quote:
Truth has many shades. It's not a matter of black and white, but many grays.

I have a 100% pure disdain for bullies. I'm taking a stand, and I support all who struggle. I care about every living person, no matter how wicked, or how much they are a stranger. Keep up the fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on Dec. 12 2013 at 10:06 am
Butterflygirl172, Cleremont, Florida
0 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
Keep loving your friends and family

That's very sad I hate bullies ugh :(

on Apr. 14 2013 at 2:26 pm
Lisas.Smile GOLD, London, Other
15 articles 57 photos 21 comments

Favorite Quote:
“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

I also like this quote by Gnarls Barkley:
"You are the best. You are the worst. You are average. Your love is a part of you. You try to give it away because you cannot bear its radiance, but you cannot separate it from yourself. To understand your fellow humans, you must understand why you give them your love. You must realize that hate is but a crime-ridden subdivision of love. You must reclaim what you never lost. You must take leave of your sanity, and yet be fully responsible for your actions." -Gnarls Barkley, in a letter to the legendary rock critic Lester Bangs

I realy sympathised with your main charecter, you're piece is fantastic. It reminded me of a better written version of my artical "To My Family", which i'm proubly going to re-write again now.

on Mar. 23 2013 at 11:17 pm
NadiaFilanovsky SILVER, Brooklyn, New York
7 articles 2 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens" --Jimi Hendricks

This piece was really amazing, it was really...honest I think is the word I'm looking for, honest and raw. People don't realize how people are targeted for bullying and get the constant hatred. And people do not realize that all of that bullying can lead to terrible things like suicide. Brilliant piece! Five out of Five stars

Kaycie SILVER said...
on Feb. 4 2013 at 4:24 pm
Kaycie SILVER, Wichita Falls, Texas
7 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Kill them with kindness."

This is a strong essay. I feel your pain, but don't let them make you shamed.(:

on Feb. 1 2013 at 10:31 pm
Rachel Bradshaw SILVER, Rodeo, California
6 articles 0 photos 11 comments
Wow. I really felt what the character was feeling. And because of how done with the world he was by the end, my first response wasn't to mourn the death of a main character, although that was my second response.  Fantastic.

on May. 5 2012 at 1:31 pm
firelord SILVER, Queensbury, New York
8 articles 0 photos 22 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

Thanks! Whenever I write, point of view is really important to me. I try my best to make the readers feel everything the main character did. Sometimes what people don't understand is how suicide is not sugar coated. It's real. The pain, the agony, the death. I'm glad you thought I did a good job and enjoyed reading :)

on May. 3 2012 at 8:32 pm
Einstein SILVER, Monmouth, New Jersey
9 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Laughter is the best medicine."

I love the way you describe how the narrator feels on the inside.  

The end also made me feel really depressed because someone in my school committed suicide a little over a month ago.  At the same time, it also means that you did your job as a writer.