I think everyone would agree that life has its ups and its downs. Everyone has those moments when they feel on top of the world and the moments when they feel all alone. No one’s life is perfect. No matter how perfect someone’s life may seem from your own perspective, just remember, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. I have a crazy life, but I love it because it’s my life. Everyone has a story, here‘s my story.

It was a dark and gloomy December afternoon, December 17th 1997 to be exact. We were sitting on our old, blue futon. It was just me and the girl in the Pink Floyd t-shirt that I fell in love with in 10th grade. We had a baby boy on the way and I couldn’t wait for that exact moment when I could hold my little boy, Nicholas James, in my arms for the first time.
“Josh! Josh! Come quick” yelled Wendy from the next room over, “Nicholas is on his way!”
I was so bewildered by the words that had just came out of her mouth that the two glasses of ice water I was holding were now shattered on the floor in a puddle of water. Before I knew it, Wendy and I were on our way to Brigham and Women's Hospital in our 1995 Nissan Maxima. When we finally arrived at the hospital so much was going on. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know how to help. Everything was moving so fast, it was like a shooting star. Everything was so perfect but by the time I realized what was going on it felt like it was over. Little did I know that in fourteen hours and thirty minutes a nurse would confront me by asking me the worst question I’ve ever been asked in my life.
“Excuse me sir” said a young Korean nurse in a sympathetic and nervous tone.
“Yes?” I exclaimed happy as can be. I knew this moment was going to be one that would change my life but I guess I just didn’t realize in how many ways it would.
Pausing before continuing the young nurse gulped, look up at me and said the five words that still make me cringe to this day.
“Good news or bad news?” replied the nurse.
“Bad news?” I thought to myself. “What possible bad news could there be? It’s December 18, 1997 and I’m about to be a father. Today is supposed to be the best day of my life. What bad news does she have to tell me? Maybe she has the wrong person. Yes, she has to have the wrong person.”
“Excuse me?” I responded. “You must have the wrong person.”
“Mr. Gavin?” she answered.
“Yes?” I said in an un-easy tone.
“It is you I am looking for. I’m sorry. Good news or bad news?”
Anyone who has ever been confronted with these words knows what a hard decision it is to make.
Undecided and confused I responded saying “Surprise me.”
“Okay” she said. “Good news is you are now the father of a beautiful baby girl but sir you may want to take a seat for the bad news”.
We both took a seat in the waiting room. My eyes began to fill with tears. I’m not sure if it was tears of joy that I am now the father of a baby girl or that I was so nervous for the bad news. I kept thinking to myself that nothing could be too bad, the only thing better than a baby boy was a baby girl. Nothing could ruin how happy I was, it couldn’t be too bad.
“On behalf of myself and the faculty here at Brigham’s and Woman’s Hospital we give you our most heartfelt sympathy. I’m very sorry to tell you this but your wife died in child birth. Take as much time as you need to say your goodbyes. She is in room 1897. I will lead you there as soon as you are ready.”
It was uncontrollable, no matter how hard I tried to hold back tears they were pouring out. I looked out the window and just watched as the rain poured down like the tears in my eyes. I remember thing to myself “how cliché”.
The nurse led me to her room. I don’t remember much but I remember the last thing I said. “Wendy, you are the love of my life. As much as it hurts me to say this, I know you’re in a better place. I can’t raise our baby girl on my own, Wendy. Even though I know you’re never coming back, please don’t leave. I can’t do this alone. I love you, goodbye.”
I sat there holding her hand crying over her for what seemed like hours. Finally, I got the strength to get up and walk out. I went to go see my baby girl. I remember what it felt like to hold her in my arms. It was the best feeling in the world. She was just like Wendy. She had her eyes and her smile. When I was holding Nicole in my arms I knew that Wendy hadn’t left. She was still there. Years passed and many things changed but two things didn’t, she was my best friend and I was hers and Wendy and Nicole were the only two women I have ever loved.
“Nicole!” I yelled. “Can you come down here sweetie? I have to talk to you about something.”
“Am I in trouble?” she yelled back. “I swear I didn’t do anything!”
“No you’re not in trouble. Just come down here please.”
Nicole flew down their mahogany staircase stumbling on the loose board, three stairs from the bottom, as she usually did.
“Whatsup dad?” Nicole asked me.
“Okay, were having a party at work on Friday and your supposed to bring a date and well I’m not very hip in the dating world…It has been 14 years since I’ve been on a date. Well to make a long story short I was hoping you could help me find someone to bring.”
She sat there and stared at me with a strange and confused look for a while. I had to break the awkward silence between us. Right when I was about to say something she smiled and nodded her head. She didn’t smile any old smile though, she smiled her mother’s smile, the smile I fell in love with.
“Yeah dad, I’ll help you!” responded Nicole.
There wasn’t much more to say so all I did was wink at her and smile. Nicole began to spit name after name to me. I began to feel so overwhelmed and scared. I didn’t know if I could do this but something made me feel a little bit better. I noticed that Nicole was wearing the Pink Floyd t-shirt that her mother was wearing when I first fell in love with her. To me that shirt was much more than an old concert t-shirt, it was one of the best memories I had of my wife. I knew Wendy would want me to do this and I knew I could do it. After about fifty different names we agreed on someone. I would ask Susan Spacey, the woman that lived down the street. I called Sue that night and she agreed to go with me. I’m not going to lie; it was pretty exciting. It had been a long time since I’d asked a woman on a date.
“Nicole, I’m leaving. I’ll lock the door on the way out. I don’t think I’ll be home too late. You don’t need to stay up for me though. Goodnight baby girl, I love you. See you in the morning”
“Bye daddy, I love you.”
I picked up Sue at around eight o’clock and went to the party. We had a great time and on the way home I couldn’t believe myself when I asked her on another date. A couple weeks passed and Susan and I were still dating. I really liked her. I didn’t want to break up with her but the more serious we got the more scared I became. Nicole was my number one priority and I felt myself growing apart from her. I didn’t know what to do. I decided to tell Sue. I invited Sue over the next day and that’s when we had the big conversation, that’s when I told her.
“Okay Sue, I have to tell you something.”
“What is it Josh?” responded Sue.
“Don’t be mad but you know that Nicole is the number one priority in my life and lately I feel like me and her are growing apart. Please don’t take this the wrong way because I really like you but we just can’t get too serious. Is that okay?”
“Oh no I understand. I completely agree. You need to keep your priorities in order and I know Nicole is the most important thing in your life. Don’t worry, everything is okay.”
I was so happy that Sue was so understanding. Well, so it seemed. That was when things started to get scary. Sue left a little bit later that night. The next morning when I woke up I noticed that Sue had forgotten her jacket at my house. I was about to bring it down to her house when a phone started ringing from inside the pocket of the jacket. I took out the phone to see who was calling but instead I found a txt from her friend Leah saying “Sure thing. I’ll drop it off later. Are you sure you want to do this?” I was so curious to what she was talking about that I read their earlier messages. I started to sob. I dropped the phone on the ground and ran over to the house phone. I couldn’t believe what I had read. I had to stop her.
“911? Yes, I would like to report a potential murderer.” I said into the phone.
The police showed up at my house very quickly. I barely had to wait at all. They read all the messages and asked me a few questions. After they finished interrogating me with questions they asked me where Nicole was. I told them she was still sleeping. I went upstairs and woke her up and told her everything that was happening. They arrested Sue right away for attempted murder. Right before they put her in the cop car I asked her why she did this. I will never forget the words she told me: “You chose her over me. I’ve always been the second choice. My dad always favored my sister, my husband cheated on me and you chose Nicole. I couldn’t do it anymore and the only way I could be your number one choice was if she was gone. I had to kill Nicole, it didn’t seem like I had another choice.”