Scene 1

Lights up on a classroom on center stage, with a desk for the teacher and five students and a white board. The room can also have a bookshelf and any other appropriate furniture and decorations.

(LUKE creeps on from stage left, carrying four alarm clocks. He wears black clothes and a ski mask. He removes his ski mask, hides the alarm clocks around the classroom, replaces the ski mask, and then slinks back off stage left.)

Lights dim for a moment to indicate passage of time.

(STUDENTS 1-3 and MARIE enter from stage left. LUKE confidently leads the pack, still wearing all black. MRS. JOHNSON enters from stage right a moment later.)

MRS. JOHNSON: Good morning, class! How are you all today?

STUDENTS 1-3, MARIE, LUKE: (monotone) Good.

MRS. JOHNSON: Now, as you all must have noticed, a new student is joining us today! Marie, would you kindly stand up and introduce yourself?

(MARIE stands, uncomfortable and shy.)

MARIE: Um, hi. I’m Marie.

MRS. JOHNSON: Would you like to tell us a little about yourself, Marie?

(MARIE shrugs.)

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, it’s great to have you in our class. You may take your seat. Today, we’re going to continue our discussion on The Iliad, if everyone would please get out their books and turn to Book 4. I’d like to hear what everyone has to say about the reading last night, and what—

She is interrupted by the abrupt, loud, shrill sound of the alarm clocks.

MRS. JOHNSON: What the--

(LUKE laughs hysterically and kicks his feet onto his desk while everyone else covers their ears. MRS. JOHNSON stumbles around the room and seeks out the alarm clocks, finding each one by her ear. With each one she finds and disables, the noise softens until it has completely stopped. Then she dumps all four alarm clocks onto LUKE'S desk.)

MRS. JOHNSON: You’re responsible for this. I know it.

LUKE: Why would you ever suspect me of such a horrendous deed, Mrs. Johnson?

MRS. JOHNSON: I know and you know that you hid all of these alarm clocks around the room.

LUKE: How could prove that I did such an atrocious act? How could you know that I am the figure on the security camera footage who presumably snuck into this room this morning?

MRS. JOHNSON: (walking in slow circles around his desk) I’m onto you, boy. I know you’re the prankster behind all the jokes this year. The balloons in the teacher’s longue, the staplers in jello, the immature announcements over the PA. I know that you’re responsible. You put on that innocent smile of yours when you’re questioned, and you somehow get away with it each time. But I’m going to catch you. Enjoy your glory days while they last.

(MRS. JOHNSON stares down LUKE for a few moments more, who continues to smile angelically back at her. Then MRS. JOHNSON marches to the front of the room, and begins to teach. The sudden switch in her attitude back to calm is unnerving.)

MRS. JOHNSON: I’m sure you all have already identified plenty of epic conventions already in The Iliad, even though we’re not far in the poem. Yesterday we discussed the role of epithets…

(MRS. JOHNSON continues to mime teaching, though her speaking fades. MARIE turns around in her chair and speaks to LUKE.)

MARIE: Is that the best you can do?

LUKE: What?

(LUKE subconsciously pulls his feet down from atop his desk. STUDENTS 1-3 gradually start to take interest and watch their conversation unfold. They nonverbally react to everything without attracting attention to themselves.)

MARIE: Let me guess. You snuck out of the house and walked here, taking a roundabout way so you couldn’t be followed or traced. As for getting into the school, you probably used the entrance to the gym. I tried all of the doors this morning before the janitor arrived and the entrance to the gym was the only one that wasn’t locked. The PE staff probably forgets to lock it every day, right?

LUKE: Uhh…

MARIE: Let’s see, then you must have had a ski mask or something covering your face so the security cameras in the hallways wouldn’t be able to recognize you. And all those black clothes helped you blend in with the darkness. The classroom door was probably locked, but that could have been easily picked. And if you didn’t pick the lock, well, it wouldn’t have been very difficult to obtain a key to this door some other way. Then you hid the alarm clocks, left the room, took the same route home, and came to school again.

LUKE: Um…

MARIE: I’m not impressed. The only good part of the prank was how synchronized the alarms were, but that probably just took two hours.

LUKE: Well, um--

MARIE: You didn’t even leave yourself enough time to change your clothes into something less suspicious. And you only hid four alarm clocks, and only in obvious places. Why didn’t you put a few in the ceiling? Why did you use alarm clocks that are so easy to disable? Why did you laugh while the alarms were going off? Why did you choose one of the oldest pranks around and not even add your own personal touch? Please tell me that you set up more alarm clocks to go off later. Maybe those are in the ceiling or something! That would make your prank a lot better.

LUKE: Um…

MARIE: Is that the only word in your vocabulary?

LUKE: No…

MARIE: Are you known as the prankster around here?

LUKE: Um…yes. Yes I am. And I’ll have you know that I’m quite good at what I do.

MARIE: Hon, I wouldn’t call hiding alarm clocks in a classroom “quite good.” Something that’s “quite good” needs lots of planning, creativity, and originality.

LUKE: Oh yeah? Well, I’d like to see you do better!

MARIE: Watch and learn.

LUKE: What—

MRS. JOHNSON: I’m sorry, Luke and Marie, is my lesson interrupting your conversation?

MARIE: Sorry, ma’am.

(LUKE tries to catch MARIE’S eye again, but she just watches MRS. JOHNSON writing on the whiteboard and refuses to look at him.)

The bell rings.

MRS. JOHNSON: Alright, class, see you tomorrow! Don’t forget about the quiz on Thursday.

(STUDENTS 1-3 and MRS. JOHNSON exit off stage left. MARIE stands at stage left and LUKE stands at stage right. The rest of the lights go down and the spotlight focuses on LUKE.)

LUKE: I can’t—I—what just happened? This new girl, just, like, comes to the school and starts talking down to me in front of the entire class! I can’t take that kind of insult sitting down. I’ve gotta show her that she can’t just waltz in and upset the order of things. I’m the prankster around here and I’m gonna put her in her place.

The spotlight shifts to MARIE. LUKE exits.

MARIE: Well, looks like I’m not going to have much competition here. That Luke fellow is my only threat and he’s just an amateur. He’ll be almost too easy to dethrone.

The lights go down. MARIE exits.

Scene 2

Lights up on the classroom. All of the furniture in the room has been wrapped with Christmas-y wrapping paper. For staging purposes, all of the furniture should just be replaced with pre-wrapped desks and chairs.

(STUDENTS 1-3, MARIE, and LUKE enter from stage left at the same time MRS. JOHNSON enters from stage right. They all stop short when they see the classroom. LUKE looks incredulously at MARIE, who keeps a perfectly straight and noncommittal face.)

MRS. JOHNSON: Luke, I swear…

(LUKE is too stunned to speak.)

MRS. JOHNSON: You’ve made a grave mistake, Luke. This little prank won’t disrupt class but is still plenty to get you in trouble with administration. And I’m sure your fingerprints are all over the wrapping paper.

LUKE: Mrs. Johnson, I didn’t do this, I promise…

MRS. JOHNSON: Sure. I’ve never heard that one before.

LUKE: It wasn’t—

MRS. JOHNSON: All right, class, we’ve been disrupted enough. Take your seats--we can unwrap the furniture later. I’m afraid we don’t have time to waste.

(STUDENTS 1-3 and MARIE take their seats with only a bit of hesitation, but LUKE gapes for a little longer. Eventually, he tries to sit in his chair. However, his seat wasn’t actually wrapped. A weak plastic frame of sorts has replaced it to make it still look like his chair. LUKE crashes to the ground. He tries to get back up but quickly becomes entangled. STUDENTS 1-3 roar with laughter and MARIE just smiles faintly.)

MRS. JOHHSON: That’s it, Luke!

(MRS. JOHNSON stands up.)

LUKE: Mrs. Johnson, I had nothing to do with this, I swear!

MRS. JOHNSON: I’ve had up to here with your disruptions!

(She tears a large handful of wrapping paper off of her desk.)

MRS. JOHNSON: This paper must have your fingerprints all over it. It better be enough to incriminate you. If it isn’t, I swear, there must be somewhere where you made a mistake. I will find a piece of evidence against you or I’ll be damned!

(MRS. JOHNSON storms across the room towards LUKE.)

LUKE: (speaking to MARIE, who still doesn’t acknowledge him) You did this. I know it.

(MRS. JOHNSON yanks LUKE away from the wreckage of his “desk” and drags him away by his ear towards the door. He continues to glare at MARIE, who finally gives him a big smirk and wink.)

LUKE: I knew it! You’ve made a dangerous enemy, Marie! PREPARE FOR WAR! Ow, ow, ow!

Lights go down.

Scene 3

Lights up on the classroom, with all of the furniture unwrapped. STUDENTS 1-3, LUKE, and MARIE are all sitting at their desks, taking notes. MRS. JOHNSON is concluding her lesson.

MRS. JOHNSON: I think that’s about all we have time for today. Make sure to come to class tomorrow ready for the quiz. Oh. And Luke. Even though you somehow didn’t get your fingerprints on any of the wrapping paper, I promise that you’re not going to be able to get away with your stupid little jokes much longer.

(MRS. JOHNSON takes her seat at her desk. All of the students rustle around papers, preparing to leave. STUDENTS 1-3 start chatting idly, for background noise. Suddenly, MRS. JOHNSON seems to remember something and leans forward in her chair.)

MRS. JOHNSON: (softly) Marie?

MARIE: …Yes?

MRS. JOHNSON: Well, are you going to come up here or not?

MARIE: Um….

(Confused and hesitant, MARIE walks over to MRS. JOHNSON’S desk.)

MRS. JOHNSON: So, about the email you sent me last night. I completely understand that—

MARIE: I didn’t send you an email last night. Or ever.

MRS. JOHNSON: Now, Marie, I understand that you might regret telling me, but don’t bother try to lie. I can assure you that this is a no-judgment zone. That’s why, in the reply I sent to your initial email, I asked you to come and talk to me this morning.

MARIE: Mrs. Johnson, I, I’m not lying. I didn’t—

MRS. JOHNSON: Gastrointestinal diseases aren’t a joke, and I’m glad that you were able to write to me so honestly and openly about your health problem.

MARIE: I didn’t—

MRS. JOHNSON: (raising her voice to speak over MARIE) I don’t want you to ever be ashamed if you want to leave the room to pass flatulence.

(The room immediately falls silent. STUDENTS 1-3 turn and stare. MARIE slowly spins around to glare at LUKE. LUKE’S trying his best not to laugh.)

MARIE: How long did that little joke take you? Two seconds to think it up and ten to execute? How can you call yourself a prankster if you didn’t move on from second grade potty humor?

MRS. JOHNSON: Marie, what’s—

(The bell interrupts her. MARIE scrambles out of the room and off stage left, with LUKE following eventually. MRS. JOHNSON exits off stage right. STUDENTS 1-3 have their conversation while gradually leaving the room and lingering in the “hallway,” outside of the “classroom,” on stage left.)

STUDENT 1: What do you guys think all of that was about? With Marie and Luke?

STUDENT 2: I’m pretty sure Marie was the one who gift-wrapped the room, and Luke sent Mrs. Johnson the email saying that Marie gets bad gas.

STUDENT 3: Well, Luke’s been pulling pranks for a while. It’s kind of his thing, you know.

STUDENT 2: But Marie clearly had the better prank. From what we’ve seen, she’s even better than Luke. She should keep it up.

STUDENT 1: Why don’t they just team up and work together?

STUDENT 3: They’re like two clever and independent cats that hate each other. I don’t think they can get along.

STUDENT 2: Yeah. They were just born rivals.

STUDENT 1: How long is this gonna go on? I kinda hope they stop soon. These last two pranks were a little mean…

STUDENT 3: Well, you know, Luke’s pranks are usually harmless. They just annoy Mrs. Johnson. They’re never mean-spirited.

STUDENT 2: Yeah, and Marie’s prank would have been innocent if she hadn’t taken away Luke’s chair.

STUDENT 1: And neither one seems like they plan to stop…

STUDENT 3: I feel like they’re just going to keep pranking each other until the end of time. Or until one of them kills the other. Whichever comes first.

(STUDENTS 1-3 exit as the lights go down.)

Scene 4

Lights up on the empty school cafeteria. Two long tables for lunch are positioned next to each other.

(LUKE enters from stage left, carrying his lunch tray. He sets it down on a table, pats his pockets, realizes he forgot something, and hastily exits to stage right. MARIE enters from stage left, also holding a lunch tray. She sees the opportunity. Rooting through her backpack, she sets a couple of other useful items for pranksters, like rope and a ski mask.)

MARIE: Perfect!

(She finds a tube of toothpaste, which she holds up for the audience to see. Then she quickly removes the top bun from LUKE’s burger and squeezes out nearly all of the toothpaste. Then, she packs up her belongings and sits at the other table. STUDENT 1-2 join her from stage left, holding lunch trays. STUDENT 3, holding a lunchbox, and LUKE enter from stage right, chatting.)

LUKE: For lunch I just got another one of the lousy school burgers. Ugh, they’re the worst. I don’t know how to cook, but I could make better food in my sleep.

STUDENT 3: I’ve got another peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

LUKE: That’s nice.

(LUKE and STUDENT 3 sit at the table on the same side, so they’re still facing the audience. MARIE watches LUKE from her seat between STUDENTS 1-2. They’re also facing the audience, but seated at the adjacent table.)

LUKE: Ugh. The stuff they serve us here! I swear, it must count as child abuse of some sort, right?

STUDENT 3: Well, even if it takes like cardboard, isn’t cardboard better than no food at all?

LUKE: Not really. I’d rather be dying of hunger.

(LUKE bites into his burger and doesn’t seem to notice that anything is wrong for a moment. Then his chewing slows, stops, and he freezes for a beat. Then he abruptly begins to cough violently and throws up under the table. MARIE is horrified as he continues to vomit and cough uncontrollably.)

STUDENT 3: Oh my god, Luke is having an allergic reaction!

STUDENT 2: Quick! Go get a teacher!

(STUDENT 3 sprints offstage. STUDENTS 1-2 jump from their seats and stand around LUKE, patting his back and muttering reassuring things while coughs and throws up. MARIE tentatively follows.)

MARIE: (to STUDENTS 1-2) What could have caused the allergic reaction?

STUDENT 1: Luke’s only allergic to one thing. It’s some chemical that I can’t pronounce.

STUDENT 2: Luke can’t tolerate it in his system at all. But at least he’s allergic to something obscure, instead of something like peanuts.

MARIE: What is he allergic to, exactly?

STUDENT 2: He told us once but I don’t remember the exact name. All I know is that it’s some ingredient you can find in toothpaste.

MARIE: Oh.

Lights go down.

Scene 5

Lights up on the classroom.

(STUDENTS 1-3, MARIE, and LUKE are all sitting at their desks. MRS. JOHNSON is in the front of the room, teaching.)

MRS. JOHNSON: Alright class. We’ll have to pick up here tomorrow. Don’t forget your homework assignment—read and annotate pages 124-131!

(The bell rings. STUDENTS 1-3 exit to stage left, and MRS. JOHNSON exits to stage right. MARIE tries to pack up hastily, but she accidentally leaves her book on her desk.)

LUKE: Marie, you left your book.

(MARIE freezes, obviously trying to avoid talking to him. She slowly turns around and plasters on a pained smile.)

MARIE: Thanks.

(MARIE snatches the book away from him and quickly starts to leave again.)

LUKE: C’mon, Marie, aren’t you going to ask me how I’m doing?

(MARIE stops again but doesn’t turn around.)

LUKE: I was out of school for two days because I was vomiting my guts out and had to go to the hospital to be rehydrated. And I think you might have a pretty good idea why I was so sick.

MARIE: How do you know it was me?

LUKE: Seriously? The last thing I ate before my reaction was that burger. Someone put toothpaste in it. I can’t think of one other person who would do that.

MARIE: (turning a little bit more towards him) Look, I’m really sorry.

LUKE: Damn right you’re sorry.

MARIE: (gradually turning around more) Luke, uh, why do you pull pranks?

LUKE: What?

MARIE: You heard me. Why do you pull pranks?

LUKE: Um, I like doing them, and I like making people laugh…?

MARIE: Exactly.

LUKE: What are you talking about?

MARIE: Like you, I’m just trying to make people laugh. I hadn’t ever pulled a prank that hurt someone until I put toothpaste on your sandwich. You were only sick for two days, but I could have done a lot more damage than that. I might have even killed you. I’m just lucky that your allergy isn’t as severe as some other people’s.

LUKE: Well, don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself, because I am going to get the revenge to end all revenge.

MARIE: Don’t.

LUKE: What?

MARIE: Can we just stop? With all the pranks?

LUKE: What? Why would you say that?

MARIE: What if someone gets hurt? Like, really badly?

LUKE: Hm. It’s funny to see the girl with a mean streak suddenly develop a conscience.

MARIE: What’s that supposed to mean?

LUKE: You know what I mean. You seem shy and reserved at first but you’re actually pretty harsh.

MARIE: I’ve never done anything that suggests that I want to hurt people. And besides, you’re not exactly a nice guy either.

LUKE: Oh really?

MARIE: You radiate arrogance. I mean, I caught you off your guard that one time and you were disoriented, but obviously every other second of the day you look down on everyone else.

LUKE: I’m not the one who, on their first day in town, criticized a stranger right to their face.

MARIE: I could hardly breathe in that room with your huge head in there. I just wanted to knock you down a few pegs.

LUKE: There you go with your nastiness again.

MARIE: Whatever. This conversation isn’t going anywhere. We should just go our separate ways and ignore each other forever.

(MARIE starts to exit.)

LUKE: No, c’mon. Uh, what were you saying earlier about hurting people with your pranks?

MARIE: It’s just…it’s just a real possibility, and I was careless to never think about it before.

LUKE: C’mon. Do you know about how many pranks you’ve done in your life?

MARIE: 327.

LUKE: Wow. But, um, only 1 in 327 hurt someone! You shouldn’t give up because of one setback.

MARIE: I could have hospitalized a hundred people or even…

LUKE: That’s a ridiculous thing to say! Every single thing that we do in life involves some risk. The ceiling of this school could cave in at any time but we still take that chance. Don’t you see that the odds of hurting someone are so low?

MARIE: What made you start doing pranks?

LUKE: Um, I just started one day and never really stopped. There’s not much to tell.

MARIE: C’mon. I know there’s gotta be more to your story than that.

LUKE: It’s, it’s stupid, okay?

MARIE: I’m not going to judge you.

(Hold eye contact for a few seconds.)

LUKE: So, my older brother is basically better than me at literally everything, so whenever I did something great, it wasn’t special because he had done it first, you know?

MARIE: Yeah.

LUKE: So, I didn’t exactly have high self-esteem, and I didn’t really have any friends, and I wanted to just stop hating myself and everything around me. So I put a cup of water on top of the bathroom door one day at home--it fell on my dad and made me laugh for a while. I just kept doing pranks and for the first time, I was doing something unique and making people smile and notice me. If I seem arrogant now, well, I definitely didn’t start that way.

MARIE: You want to know why I started?

LUKE: Why?

MARIE: My dad was a great prankster. But he died when I was eight, and my mom stopped smiling. But when I starting pulling pranks, even when she was my target, she appreciated them. I could almost always find a way to make her laugh. And I knew that I was making my dad proud. But can you imagine how I would feel if my hobby that I used to grieve for my dad wound up…hurting someone else?

LUKE: I’m sorry about your dad. But what would he want you to do?

MARIE: Well, he sure as hell wouldn’t want me to injure anyone.

LUKE: Would he want you to live inside a bubble and never take any chances and give up on what you want to do because you made one careless mistake?

MARIE: I can’t imagine that my dad would want me to take these kinds of risks.

LUKE: Marie, I saw how fully you plan your pranks. I don’t know how you had the time to gift wrap everything in the classroom. Honestly, I was baffled. It was a great prank. Putting toothpaste on my burger was a spur-of-the-moment thing. You wouldn’t have made a mistake like that if you had thought through your practical joke, like you normally do.

(MARIE reflects on this for a moment, and then finally fully turns to face LUKE.)

MARIE: You said that my prank was great.

LUKE: Well. Don’t quote me on that.

MARIE: So. How are you planning on getting me back?

LUKE: Looks like you’ll have to wait and see.

Curtain.