Indefinetly Smashing, etc. | Teen Ink

Indefinetly Smashing, etc.

February 16, 2010
By Alpha-Lyrae GOLD, Toronto, ON, Other
Alpha-Lyrae GOLD, Toronto, ON, Other
13 articles 3 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I've loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -Galileo Galilei
"In the Beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." -Douglas Adams

Somewhere far, far away, once in the history of the cosmos, there was a purple anteater. Of course, it was not actually an anteater. It just looked rather a lot like an anteater, except for being purple. This strange species in reality goes by a name which is highly illegible and untellable as well as being extremely unpronounceable. For the purposes of ease of pronunciation and reading, we shall call these creatures by the much more human friendly name of: anteater.

This anteater was named George. George lived on a planet called D’nb orbiting the star Alpha Cygni in the Milky Way Galaxy. Now on D’nb, purple anteaters are quite abundant, almost so much so as sheep. It is a little known fact that all the sheep on the planet Earth actually immigrated from D’nb at the beginning of the Cambrian period. They lived on a small island that now lies off the coast of Australia, until spreading around the rest of the planet. It is now recognized on most parts of Earth that sheep are the oldest life form on the planet.

But this is not the tale of sheep (though that is a terribly fascinating tale. Remind me to tell you it sometime). This is not even the tale of George the anteater (though he is a truly fascinating guy). This, in fact, is the miraculous tale of STSBR (which stands for Something That Shall Be Revealed. Truly fascinating subject), and it starts with our friend George.

The star Alpha Cygni was shining brightly over D’nb. George emerged from his deep slumber and stretched out in the morning light, appreciating the warm day. And at that moment, a giant dumpster fell on top of him. Unfortunately, George was no more.
The dumpster looked around and was very surprised to find itself on a small planet orbiting Alpha Cygni. It briefly contemplated all the possible reasons it could have been landed here and finally settled on the disturbing revelation that fate wanted him brought here at this moment to this place.

The dumpster then contemplated why fate wanted him here out of all the places in the universe and decided that something universe-shattering was going to happen and he was to be present for this event which surely would change the course of history forever.

5 minutes later this event happened. The event was this: a small orb that had been hovering around the horsehead nebula suddenly decided that it wanted to be more than just a hovering orb. After deciding this it took all of its superior intellect to construct an equation that would cause it to change from a mere orb with supreme mental capacities to the greatest being in the universe. Unfortunately, the equation backfired and nothing really ended up happening. On the planet D’nb, a sheep let out a long and mournful bleat.

The dumpster was still waiting for the universe-shattering event which it was to observe. A sheep had wandered into the general area and was now inspecting the dumpster with great interest. The dumpster regarded it warily. It bleated, somewhat mournfully, the dumpster thought.

“Err….” The dumpster said.

“Bahhhaaa,” the sheep replied.

“Um, lovely day isn’t it?” the dumpster remarked.

The sheep stared levelly at him and then with great ceremony began to graze. The dumpster sighed and settled back to wait for the universe-shattering event.

Far away in the vicinity of the horsehead nebula, a small orb was explaining to a rather annoyed fate why a universe-shattering event would not be occurring today due to some calculation errors. Unfortunately, this meant a nasty bit of paperwork for fate to clear up as well as quite a few beings that had to be apologized to for the inconvenience. And then they would want to know why they had been diverted from their respective courses and that would lead to a long and potentially embarrassing explanation for fate. And that would probably lead to many people losing their interest in fate and electing some other deity or abstract concept to chief ruler of affairs in the universe. Fate shuddered to think of giving up its position to anyone else, especially (here fate shuddered violently) God. Fate started thinking up a devious plan.

The dumpster was rather flummoxed. It had been waiting for the better part of the D’nbian day (which is about 10 hours long) and the sheep had been the most exciting part of the scenery. No universe-shattering events had occurred. What is Fate playing at? The dumpster thought. It had waited and waited. It was tired of this. Next election, it thought, next election I will not be voting for Fate.
He contemplated the other candidates. There was God…, too flashy, too conservative. There was Karma…..yes, Karma had potential definitely. However, the dumpster never got passed Karma, as at that minute, a boom echoed through the galaxy from the distant future and said, “We apologise for the prolonged wait. Please take your seats, the film will begin shortly.”
An add for something that would not be invented for centuries flashed by. Then a film started which was incredibly incomprehensible to the dumpster as it was in the 17th dimension.
The film ended. At least, the strange pan-dimensional images (or where they images?) stopped trying to force themselves into the dumpster’s limited mind.
Then the boom echoed through again and said, “We hope you enjoyed this film. You will now be returned to your original courses.
The dumpster vanished from the surface of D’nb. In a small hole in the ground, something moved slightly, then stuck its head out. George shook himself, and thanked his lucky stars (he did not follow Fate at all) that he had decided to start training for the tunnel digging race early he sauntered away across the planet, looking into the sky every now and again. But another dumpster never landed on D’nb.

The author's comments:
yes, I do love Douglas Adams, why do you ask? :)

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