At first, he didn’t believe it was her.

But no, it was definitely, undoubtedly her. The girl that sat on the bench on the opposite side of the street, earphones in her ears blasting a song that probably no one has heard of, swiping through social media on her phone and daintily eating a donut was exactly who he had been looking for for the past two and a half months.

She had the same posture where she would sit with her back straight, but her shoulders in a slight hunch. Her dark hair was, as usual, messy but freshly washed and probably smelled like lemons because for some reason she really enjoyed that scent. Her bottom was lip was in between her teeth by habit and even though it was eighty degree weather, she still had dark long jeans and combat boots on because she refused to wear anything else. Her skin was a lot tanner than he remembered, but before she was as white as paper, so that wasn’t saying much.

Yep, that was definitely MJ and suddenly the sight of her was making him very sweaty.

He needed to go up to her. He needed to talk to her. He needed to make everything clear and hopefully okay between the two of them. But he knew that probably wasn’t going to happen.

For reasons he’s still trying to figure out, MJ just didn’t want to be a part of his life anymore. She had just left. And it hurt.

A lot.

Mustering all the courage he had, Alex made his way across the busy LA road, trying to avoid being run over by taxi’s who honked at him angrily for jaywalking. When he had reached the bench, he reached out a hand and hesitated slightly before tapping her on the shoulder. He noticed how shaky his hands were and quickly hid them in his shorts pockets. She didn’t need to know how scared he was for this conversation; she didn’t need to know how badly he needed it.

She looked up and immediately her mouth formed in the shape of a small “o.”

“Alex,” she breathed out. Suddenly, she seemed as nervous as he was and a small, guilty part of him felt pleasure from that.

“Hey!” He said, forcing enthusiasm into his voice.

She stood up, set her belongings on the bench beside her and gave him an awkward hug. Alex couldn’t help but breathe her in. Lemons, was all he could think.

“It’s been a while!” She said, pulling away and giving him a smile.

“Yeah, almost three months.”

“Really? Wow!” She said. She sounded so formal and polite. She seemed so much more...mature. Which was weird, because she was the opposite of mature.

Or at least she used to be.

There was an awkward silence of them just glancing from the people around them to each other, exchanging small smiles.

It was weird seeing MJ give him a look that wasn’t filled with happiness, love, and a little bit of sarcasm. In fact, the look she was giving him wasn’t even kindness. It was more like she was looking at him with dread and sadness and he had a feeling she kind of wanted him to leave. But she was trying to cover it up with a smile and the effort was both comforting and heart wrenching.

God I wish I knew what was wrong, he thought.

“How’s your life been, MJ?”

She shifted awkwardly. “Actually, it’s not MJ anymore. I go by Maya Jean now – actually, I really just go by Maya.”

“Oh...ok, Maya.” He paused before asking, “so that’s what your initials stands for?”

“Yeah.”

“Never would have guessed it.”

“I know you wouldn’t have,” she replied with a little chuckle.

He looked up at her and their eyes met. Alex couldn’t help but feel a spark of hope, knowing that she was reminiscing about all the memories of him trying to guess her initials, just like he was. She always refused to tell him. She had joked that she liked to see him suffer with the thought of not knowing. She said everyone deserved to keep at least one secret and that that was the only one she was planning to keep from him.

He wondered what the new secret was, now that this one was out. He wondered if she would ever tell him.

Probably not.

“So what’s going on with you and the rest of the crew? I haven’t talked to any of you in forever,” she said.

Alex thought about how, after he and MJ broke up, after how she had abandoned all of them, the whole group seemed to fall apart. Zach became popular through his girlfriend, Maggie, and left them all behind. Paula had become too wild for any of their tastes, and branched off into her own group of friends that involved a lot of smoking and parties. Who knew what was going on with Mikayla – she was way too moody now. All she did was scream at him and he had grown sick of it.

Now he was alone. He had no idea how the others felt, but he definitely felt awful.

But Alex just smiled at her. “We’re good. How about you? How’s the whole acting thing going for you?”

MJ – wait, Maya – beamed at him. “Pretty amazing! I have an audition in about half an hour, actually.”

“Really? What for?”

“Just a guest starring role for one of the shows on nickelodeon. It’s not much, but I really want it. It’ll give me hope, you know? It’ll just assure that I made the right –”

“Why?” He blurted, unable to hold back anymore.

She gave him a puzzled look, though he had a feeling she understood what he was trying to ask. She just was avoiding. “Why what?”

“Why’d you leave? I thought you were happy with us! Our friends, our life together. I could’ve sworn we were in love the day before you left me. You promised you’d never leave.” The last part was more of a whisper and he wasn’t even sure if she heard it, but he could tell his words hit her hard.

She bit her lip and reached down to pick up her things. “I should go...”

“No, wait!” He grabbed her arm, holding her back. “MJ – I mean, Maya...or whatever! You have to tell me. I need an explanation – I deserve it.”

She swallowed and looked at his pleading eyes. Alex knew she knew he was right, and it seemed to kill her.

“Please,” he whispered.

She bit her lip and gently released herself from his grip. Then she said quietly, “I wasn’t happy, Alex.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I was depressed. When we were dating I would cry myself to sleep, I would just feel heavy and sad, and I couldn’t stand to live and I had no idea why!” She continued before he could even speak, “and it wasn’t Brandon’s fault, or Paula’s or Mikayla’s. And it definitely wasn’t yours! In fact, you were the only thing that kept me going. I clung on to you for dear life because you were my life – you made all the pain and sadness worth it.

“But when I was gone for that week on vacation with my family last month, I started to feel better. I could feel the old me coming back and it felt great. But when I came back to school, I saw you and all I could think of was the sadness I used to feel and I began to slip back. Looking at you reminded me that I had, once upon a time, needed something to hold onto because I was too weak to keep myself alive. And it hurt,” she said.

“I hurt you?” He asked, his voice shaking.

She shook her head, trying to get him to understand. But he didn’t – he couldn’t. He hadn’t realized that she was in pain – she always seemed so happy and upbeat. How could I not have see it? I could’ve helped her! “No, you never hurt me. You made it so much better. But I couldn’t do it anymore, Alex. I have to keep moving forwards if I want to get better and I can’t go back to the past – unfortunately, you’re part of the past.”

“Oh...”

MJ looked at him with an emotion that he couldn’t really identify. She gently took her thumb and wiped away a tear that was rolling down his cheek – he didn’t even realize he had started crying. “Thank you for everything. You made me so much stronger and I can’t thank you enough.”

He stayed silent.

She glanced at the watch she had on her wrist. He couldn’t help but notice it wasn’t the same one she always used to use. The one she’d had for the past three years; the first gift that he had ever given to her. Alex remembered trying to buy her a new one for her birthday just a couple months before the break up, but she refused as politely as she possibly could. She said she couldn’t let go of it. She had said that she liked the memories it brought. “I should probably get going, actually. I’m sorry, Alex. I really am. It, um....it was nice catching up.”

“Yeah. Nice catching up,” he muttered, barely hearing the words he spoke.

He didn’t want her to go. He hadn’t poured out his heart yet. He hadn’t told her how crappy she had made him feel, how he blamed himself for everything. He hadn’t told her that now all he felt was empty and that no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t get mad at her for this and he hated that. He hadn’t told her how much he missed her and wanted her back. He hadn’t said what he needed to say.

But as she started to wrap her earphones around her phone and shoved it inside her back pocket, the words died in his throat.

“Bye, Alex.”

“Bye, M – um...I mean, Maya.”

She gave him a sad smile and rose on her tiptoes, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek.

And then she turned her back towards him and walked away for the second time, and they both knew for a fact that it was the last.

“I love you,” He whispered after her, but the words had gotten lost in the chattering of strangers and honking of taxis and he knew for a fact that she didn’t hear him.