Love is an emotion that results only to tears. That’s what I believe. When you lose someone who played a great role in your life, even death seems to be the only option to avoid the pain. I thought happily ever after and happy endings are possible. That’s what fairy tales had us believe when we were kids. But we are wrong. This world is cruel. And love is only an illusion.

I led myself to believe that I have the perfect relationship I could ever wish for. I have the best guy in the world, Brenan Leighton.

We started off as strangers, just like any other lovers in the world. I didn’t fall in love with him at first sight, but he did. He told me he knew right at the moment he laid his eyes on me that I’m the one. I thought that was just some sappy-pick-up line but five years later, I realized he wasn’t lying.

“I said yes to him for you,” my cousin said one afternoon after I came home from school.

“What?” I asked, too disoriented to comprehend what she was saying.

“Brenan! He’s courting you, right? H---, it’s been five months since he started sending you roses and chocolates!”

“Come on! I told you I’m not yet ready to have a boyfriend. I’m like, seventeen for crying out loud.”

“Seventeen is just right to have a boyfriend! Besides it’s too late, Jasmina. He’s picking you up at seven o’clock.” My cousin shrugged like it’s the most normal thing in the world. I stared at her, shock spreading inside me like a poison.

“Leah!” I shrieked. She only laughed out loud and patted my head. That was the first time I felt nervous meeting a boy. When Brenan rang the doorbell, I wished a bolt of lightning hit me and vaporized me to pieces. But the moment I got on his silver car, every jitter inside me vanished.

“These violent delights have violent ends,” these were his first words to me as we got downtown. For a normal girl, it would have sounded like he was trying to impress but I knew those lines very well.

“And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss, consume,” I answered, unable to hide my smile. “You’re quoting Shakespeare.”

“So I did, but you knew those lines, which only means you’re either a reader or a writer.” He grinned crookedly, showing a dimpled cheek.

“I’m the best of both worlds,” I answered, smiling wider. From that point on, the conversation became nonstop. We never ran out of things to talk about because we gradually discovered that we almost have the same trail of thoughts. We were both in love with reading, watching full-action movies, and stargazing.

Our nightly rendezvous became constant, and as we discovered each other, my feelings for him that started out as nothing became to mean something. Both our families were really very supportive of our relationship, and it came to a point that I started to believe that maybe I found the one.

But I was wrong.

On the 17th month of our relationship, I noticed how cautious and cold Brenan grew. I would catch him looking worriedly at me and he became uncharacteristically at a loss for words. He was never out of something to say. And that worried me.

When I finally got the chance to ask him, he only stared at me for so long that I had to look away. His soft brown eyes were so intense, so deep, I felt as if he was trying to answer through his gaze.

“Why won’t you tell me?” I asked him again when we were alone in the room.

“Because it would hurt both of us,” he answered without meeting my eyes. I was nervous of his words that I began to imagine the worst possible scenarios inside my head.

“Why would it hurt us? What’s wrong?” I grew desperate, restless, afraid of his answer but anxious of what it was.

And then he said it. I should be relieved that he finally told me, but it resulted differently. It crippled me, damaged me even. I never thought words could be so destructive.

“I’m getting married to another.”

I wasn’t able to say anything. What do you say to that kind of declaration? How do you react? Tears betrayed my emotions as they welled out from my eyes, flowing freely to let the ragged pain inside me subside.

He explained everything, that his father had opted to arrange his marriage to the daughter of their business partner, that the wedding was set exactly five months from now.

Just when I thought everything was perfect, everything went tumbling down to pieces. I left the room, sobbing. I heard Brenan scramble to catch up to me so I ran outside, ignoring the heavy downpour of rain. It seemed like the sky felt my anguish because the more I cried, the heavier the rain became.

“Wait!” His voice was pleading, muffled against the steady splash of the rain. I stopped in my tracks but didn’t turn around. I felt his hands on my arms, holding me firmly in place. “Don’t run away from me.”

“There’s no use sticking around when I know I can’t keep you forever.” My voice was just a whisper, but I knew he heard it just fine.

“I didn’t say I want to be married to any other girl than you.” His words rang with finality. I turned to face him and I saw that he was serious. His eyes looked like he’d finally decided on something.

I waited, letting the rain soak us to the bones, but the cold was nothing compared to the ravaging emotions I felt.

“I won’t leave you, Jasmina. I won’t allow anyone to get between us because I love you so much more than you know. But please promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?” I managed to croak out.

“Do not leave my side. Ever. We will fight whatever comes in our way together.” His brown eyes were intense, pleading, imploring me to understand. I struggled to stay sane, the confusion inside me churning. I knew that if I stayed beside him I’ll only get hurt. There was nothing waiting for us but separation in the end. I could save myself from this torture, I knew that. I could protect myself from pain.

But could I leave him? Could I be selfish enough to abandon the rest of the world just for us to be together? I had to make a choice, a choice that would determine my future.

As I looked at his handsome pale face in the twilight, I’d come to a decision. It would change everything.

“I will stay, Brenan. We’ll get through this together.”

And just like that, the choice I made had directed the path for us. Brenan told his father he won’t do what he wanted. The wedding was postponed but it wasn’t cancelled, which means there was still a possibility that it will take place sometime in the future. It bothered me, but Brenan was there to erase all my doubts.

Our relationship lasted for another two years. We were both working now: he as a supervisor in one of his father’s offices, and I as a freelance writer. Brenan knew my dream perfectly well—it was to be published internationally. He once offered to help me find someone to represent my novels but I’d politely declined. I wanted to achieve my dreams using my own effort, my own sweat and blood.

He was there to support me all the way. Little did I know, my dream will be the one to end my forever.

It was November 10, 2014 when Brenan called me. He said he had a good news that he was sure would make my day. He was in New York City that time, driving to Southold where I lived. He said he’d rather break it to me personally. He said it would be better that way.

“I love you so much,” he said. “I have always loved you, Jazz, and I always will. Remember, you’re the only girl I’ve loved this much.”

“I love you too, Bren. Hurry home. I’ll be right outside waiting for you.”

So I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

How long did it take to drive from one city to another? It felt like hours already. I kept checking my watch. 2pm. 2:30. 3pm. 3:30. 4pm. 4:30. 5pm.

This was too much. I dialed his phone, let it ring for ten times, and was about to hang up when I heard it. The siren. The ambulance siren.

I didn’t like what I suddenly felt. The pounding of my heart against my chest felt like it was from a stranger’s. My phone was ringing. With a trembling hand, I clasped the phone against my ear.

“Hello?” I whispered, my voice weak.

“It’s Brenan,” my cousin’s shocked voice said. “He’s dead.”

It took only two words to ruin my life. Everything fell apart. The wind rushed out from my lungs like someone just sucker-punched me.

“Where is he?” I managed to ask despite the numbness that was starting to overwhelm me.

“Hospital. The doctor just declared him DOA.”

Dead on arrival. Just a little bit more to smash my heart to pieces. When I didn’t answer, my cousin started to say something again. “I’m really, really sorry to be the one breaking the news to you, Jazz. Do you want me to pick you up? There’s something you need to see.”

Five minutes later, I was standing outside the morgue with a police officer, the medical examiner, and my cousin who was a nurse in the district hospital.

“Mr. Leighton lost control of the car which led to his accident,” the police was saying. “A ten-wheeler truck was coming his way and he tried to switch lanes but the engine failed. He crashed directly to the truck.”

“A brain hemorrhage was what resulted to his death,” the ME added.

How could these people talk about death so easily? I tried to ignore the slicing pain inside me but failed. I had to bite my lower lip to prevent the tears from rolling down.

“We found this in his jacket,” the police lifted a manifest containing an envelope. I reached for it gingerly and quietly thanked them. Leah guided me to one of the plastic chairs. I opened the plastic manifest and fished out the envelope gingerly. It was still sealed so I tore off its lid gently and two folded pieces of paper were nestled inside.

The first one was a printed letter but my tears were making my sight blurry so I can’t quite read the content. I heard my cousin gasp inwardly and I rubbed my eyes to see better. But as soon as I read the header, my eyes were filled with tears yet again.

Adams and Ebner Literary Agency
1134 Fifth Street
New York

November 5, 2014

Jasmina Reamer,

We are pleased to inform you that we have successfully received your query letter sent last October 16, 2014. After a careful consideration of your proposal, our agency has decided to invite you for a formal dinner on November 15 at The Plaza to talk about your contract with us.

We look forward to working with you.

Best regards,

Rick Adams & Micky Ebner

“I didn’t send any query letter to this agency,” I whispered. Without understanding anything, I pulled out the other paper from the envelope. It was Brenan’s handwriting. My whole body shook with sorrow as the ink on the paper seemed to come to life, but it broke my heart to remember that the owner of this scrawl was dead.

Baby,

I know you’re surprised. I was the one who sent the letter. I have great faith in your stories so I went ahead and sent a letter in the hopes that I could help you with your dreams. You hate asking for my help but here it is. And now, you’re one step closer.

I’m happy for you. And proud. You don’t know how much I feel grateful because you’re mine. It’s strange to tell you that I fell in love with you at first sight, but it’s true. When I saw your beautiful eyes, I felt like I saw right through you, like I’ve known you for a thousand years. Maybe I did. Maybe we’ve met each other in another lifetime and this one is just another reincarnation of our lives. Maybe I recognized myself in you. Maybe I saw my soulmate in your eyes.

We’ve been through worst, we’ve been against the world but here we are, still together. I can’t imagine my life without you. I can’t see the future without the girl I love beside me.

Thank you for staying by my side even though everything is at stake. In turn, I promise to love you every moments of forever.

So, Jasmina Marie Reamer, I know this is not the perfect time and the perfect way to ask you this because I’m standing in front of you right now but… will you marry me?

P.S. The ring is taped at the right corner of this paper. If you find it, it means yes. I love you so much baby.

Brenan

Exactly right where he said it, a gold ring was taped at the back of the paper. A small diamond glinted slightly at the center and our names were elegantly inscribed inside the band of the ring. I let out a sob, then everything flowed out. The pain, the regret, the empty feeling… they all claimed me. I wanted to run and disappear, but I was rooted in place.

“Bren,” I whispered, as if his name would bring him back to life, but the only answer was a slight gush of wind drifting through the closed hallways. I looked up, feeling a momentary presence, and then the feeling of emptiness flooded all over me again.

This was the end of my forever.

Love is an emotion that results only to tears. That’s what I believe. When you lose someone who played a great role in your life, even death seems to be the only option to avoid the pain. I thought happily ever after and happy endings are possible. That’s what fairy tales had us believe when we were kids. But we are wrong. This world is cruel. And love is only an illusion.