I can’t love him the way he wants me to.

He loves me fully, indefinitely, with all his poor little heart and I just can’t love him the same way because I’m just a coward, and this is what cowards do, they run from things and here I am running from him.

I have to tell him so many things.

I have to tell him that I can’t trust anyone I’ve never learned to trust anyone and I’m not entirely sure what love is and I’m not sure I can do this.

I have only just found love in my friends and I have only just learned to trust others and I am too scared to fall the way I did before.

But he seems so different. He seems entirely invested in me, he seems truly in love with me, and when his arm slides around my shoulders I think I do too.

He is my friend, one of my best friends, and I allow myself to lean my head on his shoulder, my cheek nestled in the crook of his arm and something about this is warm and familiar, and it feels safe.

I don’t remember the last time I felt so safe. I don’t remember anyone touching me, touching me with care and affection, touching me because they want to show me they love me and they aren’t expecting anything and I won’t get hurt. I won’t be raped again, not with him.

And I think I might be safe. I let myself go. I try to break this grip of fear and wrestle the adrenaline beating against my back and I take deep breaths.

He is different. He’s holding me now because I need to be held, I just need to be comforted somehow and he’s doing just that. I’m safe.

I’m safe.

And I might just love him.

I’ve never understood what love is. Is it the butterflies that flutter in my stomach every time I see him, is it that my mouth spills words stuck on my tongue so easily when I’m around him, or is it the warmth in his eyes that makes my knees buckle?

I don’t know what love is. But I have a feeling this is it, and I know he loves me because he’s told me and I don’t want to hurt him, I can’t love him the way he wants me to just quite yet.

His hand reaches for mine. It’s gentle, so gentle, like he’s touching fragile glass and as soon as his skin is in contact with mine my insides melt to molten lava.

His fingers wrap around mine, his skin smooth silk, his touch determined but shy. His thumb spans the width of my whole hand, and he slowly moves his thumb down my hand.

I can’t breathe.

Everything about this is bliss.

I want to break free of all this fear that is controlling my life and I will let myself free from the traps of my own making and I’ll release myself from the reigns of the terror I instilled in myself and I take my fingers and lace them in his.

I can almost feel his lips curve into a smile and his grip is kind but firm and I think I can live with this.

I can have this, I think, this feeling of warmth and comfort like I’m invincible, like nothing can ever happen to me when he has me in his arms.

I think I’m in love. I do. I can’t admit it yet, but it will come with time. Time will bring us together.