It’s a love that’s broken beyond at the start. It’s a love whose fire burned out soon following its climax. He was nothing to her yet she was everything to him. He couldn’t dream without his thoughts always wondering back to an image of her the first time he laid eyes on her. She was but an innocent girl then, walking into his house saying hello to old friends to whom she hadn’t seen in well over a year. She gave him a distraught look as though trying to determine whether he was one of them or not, and after realizing that he was in fact one of them did she finally turn away. She didn’t greet him because she didn’t particularly care who he was or why he was there. She nodded towards his existence but continued on with her various conversations with those wanting to know why she had been away so long. She dreaded the thought of returning to her old group of friends but upon her return she realized just how much each and every one of them meant to her.
They each held a certain spot in her spot except for him of course. Elisa was her good-natured friend who never ceased to be friendly regardless of what was going on. Liz was more distant but nonetheless happy and furthermore jubilant towards her return. She liked some gossip but not enough to call her a bothersome friend. Erick, being as hyper and happy as he usually is, was slightly flirtatious and very joyful of her return. Having once liked her before, she expected as much but what she hadn’t expected was her liking him a little too. That came to pass quickly however. Jeffery was his same somber self who shone a smile and gave a warm hug but wasn’t nearly as outspoken as Erick. Leon was ecstatic about the return of his dear friend. She didn’t recall being very close to Leon but something about his attitude hinted towards him possibly having a small crush on her. It has yet to be proven but if it were to ever be spoken about it wouldn’t come as a surprise really.
Finally, there was James. He was her past long-time crush. One of the main reasons she left following his departure for a job. When he returned it was somewhat shocking but she felt that she had finally gotten over him. She was oh so terribly wrong. He was four years her senior and although it isn’t much of a difference to most people, it was a diving barrier to them. She never told him of her crush but she came very close to a year ago. There was miniscule hints that he liked her too years ago but all of that has since changed over the span of a year. She pushed him aside though in the hopes that by doing so he would virtually disappear from her heart.
He, Justin, felt as though his heart was pressing harder and harder on him to be with her, Clarissa. She, however liking him at first, found him repulsive beyond repair. She couldn’t stand the thought of him, the voice of his, and the look of his that he gave only to her. She wanted him so badly to the point where she blurred him with James and when she looked at Justin, she no longer saw Justin but James. The James she so very much desired to be hers; the James who couldn’t be hers. The Justin who so readily loved her in the ways James didn’t. Upon this realization she was disgusted with herself for bringing this pain about. She felt even worse for making him think that she was for him. She was for no one but the one to whom she would later choose. Justin was a tragedy in itself but one that brought along a lesson.

Clarissa made him be “the one.” She made him out to be someone he wasn’t; someone she wanted. He honestly tried to be that person but with every attempt she pushed herself further away. Justin lacked most of the qualities she looked for in a man. He was very much like her personality-wise, which was too much likeness for her to stand. She didn’t want to date herself. She wanted a man, not a child; a man who fit perfectly with her personality like two polar magnets to one another. Justin had yet to be qualified as a man in her eyes. He had his vices and they were many. She didn’t despise him for his vices though. It was for his failures of being the one she wanted that made her despise him. His way of talking was so repulsive to her that she would cringe at his words when they came to be too much for her to take. His openness and need to be close was beyond her limits. Clarissa was so blinded by desire that she transformed one person into an entirely different person. Justin was far from being the person that she wanted. He didn’t understand her in the same way Levin understood Kitty. He didn’t lover her the way Vronsky lusted after Anna. He wasn’t her love at first sight. Why, he was just the opposite. As much as Clarissa tried not to be judgmental, she was far from being above human faults. As soon as she saw him she marked him as being an awkward sort of guy and one who would certainly be hard to comprehend. She was right though.
Justin was too reserved for her liking. He couldn’t be the James that she wanted. James was perfection in her viewpoint. He always had a smile for everyone regardless of who they were. He was very talkative and was sure to make others laugh. His own laughter was contagious. One of which she tried hard to keep under quarantine when he was near. Clarissa feared that had he ever suspected she liked him that he would leave. Above all else, she could not let him leave. Without his presence once more seemed unimaginable yet to be close to him seemed unbearable like those desperately craving chocolate after finding out they are deathly allergic to it. He was her chocolate and she was always walked the line with death when near him. She never took enough to kill her but surely enough to keep her in a sickly state. She never could function mentally around him.
Justin never noticed this attraction but those close to her knew of it only because it so tormented her to the point where she told others in the hopes that if they knew, they would provide hopeful advice. None did however. James gave her this smile that said “I know your heart aches, as does mine, but it cannot be and we must accept that,” but she knew that was more fantasy then truth. Justin similarly gave her that look of desire that she bore to James but both were not mutual. He was nothing compared to James. He was but a pebble to a mountain in comparison. Clarissa hopes but never dares dream. To dream of being with James would only lead to heart break and a life sleeping. At times she envies those in comas because they get to freely dream without having to face reality until they are once again awakened if they ever do wake up. She regrets such thoughts because they are cynical and wrong but she can’t help to think of it.
At one moment, long ago, she dreamed of James being her first kiss; the one who would make it magical and fairytale-like. After months, however, she saw their friendship nowhere near advancing so she gave that moment up to another solely because she was afraid of being an old lady when she had her first kiss. How stupid that thought appears to her know. She was the youth of the nation with years upon years in front of her. Besides, Clarissa was in the moment and followed in pattern to what her friend was doing. Ryan was kind and attractive and one of best friends so she found no problem in kissing him. Ryan’s lips found hers in a matter of seconds and hers matched his in return. The glorious moment she had for so long dreamed of happening with James disappeared in that one moment though to someone she didn’t love and she blamed Ryan for it. She never told him the real reason why she distanced herself from him but she couldn’t bring herself to face that realization.
James should have been the one. Everything went against that bond though and she had finally come to accept that. Justin couldn’t be James no matter how hard she wished it to be so. Ryan couldn’t be the James she wanted when she had her first kiss. James most likely didn’t like her the way she did for him. Her mind was playing tricks on her and she chose to acknowledge the strings coming out of her back. The puppeteer had his fun and now it was time for hers.
Firstly, Clarissa took back what was rightfully hers; her life and her happiness. No longer did she hold herself down to Justin with the hopes that he would magically turn into James over night. She reconnected with Ryan after realizing that it was never his fault for taking what she felt was always meant for James; he was an innocent bystander who was blamed because there was no one left to blame. She looked at James when accidently running into him and mentally found all the faults in him so she could find him disagreeable. Clarissa regained the reigns to her life and took hold tightly with the fear that if she so much as loosened her grip, her life would run off without her. Clarissa ruled the world with her happiness and her acceptance of her position in others lives not because she had to but because she wanted to. For too long she had let the masquerade going on in her life take control and it was finally time to take off the masks and face the reality of life; life goes on and people come and go. She couldn’t transform people for her own goodwill and she took that truth to be the foundation of her new life.
No life is worth living if it is based wholesomely on lies and fantasy. Clarissa learned to purge those lies out and by doing so she entered into a time of immense joy beyond anything she thought she ever deserved to have. And she didn’t need a guy to have that happiness inside of her.