“Why are you being like this?”

“Like what?”

“One moment you’re ok with me and life is fine, and the next I’m the worse guy in the world!”

“You don’t realize how your words sound, do you? You don’t understand what I feel for you, mostly because I don’t even know what I feel for you!” My voice was getting louder and louder, and my anger was inflaming the more he looked at me.

“What the hell did I do to you to make so damm angry?”

“You lied to me. You said you quit.”
The tears caught in my throat. I couldn’t let him see me cry, it shows I’m weak, and in this moment, I can’t afford weak.

“Lied? When did I lie to you? I’ve always been honest to you.”

“You said you quit smoking! I was at that party Saturday night! I saw you and Jordan on the deck smoking.” I wanted to turn away so badly, to flee his presence, but I needed to hear what he had to say.

“You were there? You couldn’t have been! You said you were going out of town for the weekend to your grandparents.”

“My grandparents went on a five day road trip. I came to surprise you.” The anger started to rise in my voice.

“Baby, I don’t understand why you are getting so worked up over this!” He moved closer to me, his voice tried to persuade me. I quickly backed off and he stopped in his tracks.

“Don’t call me, ‘baby’, anymore. And you know why I hate smoking! My father died of lung cancer! Does that mean anything to you? You said 3 months ago that you quit and you would never touch another cigarette again. Do you lie to me all the time?”

“No… It’s just…”

“What?” I interrupted his words, “Why did you lie to me in the first place?”

“I didn’t want to lie. I had to protect myself!”

“From what?”

“From you leaving me. I couldn’t stand the thought of you just walking out of my life because of this. I had to lie. It’s hard to quit. I’ve tried so many times for you, but I’ve failed every time. When I think of you leaving me, I get panicky inside and I need a way to relieve it, and that’s where smoking came in!” The anger in his voice now matched the anger in mine. His hollow eyes staring straight into mine. I couldn’t take this much longer.

“You’re right. I probably would’ve left you, just like right now. I don’t trust you anymore!” As the words flew out of my mouth, I felt pain and power.

“Stop being stubborn and will you just listen to what I have to say.”

“Fine.”

“I’ve loved you since I met you. The way you laugh, the way you dance, everything made me love you. When you started to talk to me, I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world. I knew I had some bad habits that were hard to shake off, but I had to try. I stopped talking to other girls, I tried hard in school, I even went to the library to see why you enjoyed it so much! You were opening my eyes to a whole different world. The way you talked about traveling and seeing the world, the way you looked at a piece of junk and saw true beauty in it, it made me different. When you asked me if I still smoked, I had to lie. I needed you to stay. I needed you near me.

“I did quit for a month. It was the best month of my life. I kissed you, and you fell in love with me. I wanted to be clean and safe for you. When you would leave for a trip or go out of town for sometime, I felt as though my second half was gone. You were off doing who-knows-what while I was here waiting for you. When you were gone for that 2 week trip, I had never been so lonely. I went to Jordan’s house for the night, and he got me to smoke. I felt so guilty, but it gave me pleasure.

“When you returned, I threw out the carton of cigarettes Jordan gave me. You had so much to tell me, and I was just happy to have you back in my arms. When you were gone on weekends, I didn’t want to turn to cigarettes, but Jordan would invite me over, and my temptations gave in, but as soon as you’d return, I would stop. Cigarettes made up for the loneliness that took over when you left. I know that it’s no excuse, but I’m so sorry. I wanted to be honest with you 100% of the time, but that was one dirty little secret I had to hide from you, and I’m sorry. I ruined everything.”


He left me speechless. I didn’t know what to say. After a long pause, I finally found the words. “Come with me. Let’s go get something to eat and talk this over. I still haven’t forgiven you, but we need to talk this all out.”

We walked along, a small smile on his face as he reached out for my hand, and took it in his.