Oh Friend, envy has driven my cursed self to a frenzy … I’ve robbed your family and plundered your home, leaving nothing behind but furniture catalogues and expired coupons. I’ve sent disconcerting letters to the school psychologist, signing with your name at the bottom of the page. The unsettling graffiti near the girls’ locker room you’ve so adamantly avoided is my doing: “Friend lacks compassion… and breasts.” Oh! But, these are mere blunders; they deserve no attention. However, I do admit to one wrongdoing. Dearest Friend, if for nothing else, please forgive me of this. Please forgive me of this immense depravity. Please forgive me, for I have broken your heart.