What do you do when you can’t make up your mind about a guy? This one. That one. And I lied to my friend. With no shame. Knew what it would do to him before I said it. Knew how it would kill him before I stabbed him. And yet, I did it anyway.


And I wonder why. See no matter which one I choose, I intentionally hurt and ruin the others. They all want to be my pick. My choice. My perfection. And only one can I have. How strange it is that only now have I realized boys and girls run through life to pick the one they’ll be with forever and then?…..It’s over.


I just wonder what I should do. I can’t wait any longer. I tried that. The longer I wait, the more I find, the harder my decision to make. But I don’t want to be burned all over again. Was not three times enough?



I guess I made a mistake. So then, really, the joke’s on me. It’s a tough world. Not knowing how I will make it through society as a veil-less valentine. You and him. Me and You. Him and me…How do I choose when you make it so easy for me to say, “Yes,” to you?


How am I supposed to be rational when the only thing rational about me is the color of my fingernails? It’s a pain that’s untold. I only know: I’m so lonely. I want someone of my own. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of living this overrated single-women’s lifestyle. I need a man. And now I admit it. But I cannot decide. You. Him. You and I. Me and him.



Perchance it is because I have not found my Knight in his Shining Silver Armor yet! His parade has not passed me by after all! I can still have hope that there is another! Waiting for ME! For Me! And he will say to me, “Ma chere! Mia ma Bella Clara!” And I will faint before him die-hearted from the wait.


But I will arise fresh as the primrose. The Great Wall constructed not in vain. I will perform for him a symphony orchestrated by none other than myself. I will entertain my beloved for rescuing me from my long wait with his love. He will cry to me, “Bellisimo! Bellisimo! Ma Claire! Ma Bella Claire!”


And I will have not the strength to withstand his praise. I will bend at the ankle and weep my borrowed tears of joy. I will mix his wine with the tears of a worn out maiden, overdue. I will spread my palms for him to see my workmanship. The hands of the servant, and his Queen at once. He will not have seen the likes of such a beautiful girl in all his years.


His one and twenty years. I just nineteen. But that will not matter to him, for I will please him with every ounce of my being! I will NOT disappoint my liege. I will stand before him in green satin and velvet lingerie. My robe scaling the floor and leaving a train behind me. No, he will not have seen the likes of one so dangerously perfect. And I will love him. No matter what happens, I will love him.


Should foes rise up against me to attack my heart, I will still give him my all because I expect nothing less of him at the same.


He will sit awhile and mesmerize me with his fantasies and royal fairy tales. He will talk of the rain with me. The spring showers and pleasant waterfalls with me. He will cry for me and I will see, in the brink of his hand, in the palm of my hand, there was nothing ever so meant to be as He and I.


I cannot wait for this day. For me to find what I have been searching for since my coming of age. It has made me old physically, but I am still as a young doe on the inside and I am ready to be unleashed and run like the panther. Stealthily as the night. And creep up beside him and listen to his heart beat while he sleeps his dreams by night.


The stars will be nightlights in the sky. And the moon the shimmering ocean of Heavenly Beauties. He will compare me to the water lilies as they float above the surface. He will compliment my form, my speech, my laughter. He will relish our minutes. He will drink in the passion from my lips as they caress his own.


He will not forget who loved him when he was young. He will not remember who loved him while he was away. He will know only me. And his mother will not matter. My father will not count.


He will guide me and protect me. Love me and treasure me. Invest in me and ask of me. Keep me and give to me. Win me and forgive me! He will seek me every day and every night. And playfully I will allow him to find me. Inside and out. Beauty will be in the love, not the love making. And it will be as fantastic as any other I have never had before!


How I long that this night will come tomorrow! How I long that this Knight will come today!…I cannot fathom his features. Only the splendid-ness of gazing into his chocolate browns and melting as white chocolate over the boiler. My blood will raise temperature. My hands begin to moisten. My feet shiver. And my eye lids flutter. My heart will pound loudly and our tongues will intertwine with another.


But the greatest gift of love he could ever bestow upon me is when he finds me in the Midnight Orchard and drops to one. He takes my hand and pets it fragilely. He locks eyes with mine and says, “Mortabella Claire, I love you with my whole heart. No other can feel what I feel now. This not a cliché. I have to have you. Mind, soul, heart, spirit, body, forever. Without you there is no me. There is no life and I can’t lose you. You mean to me what I could never hope to express in words, deeds, or actions. I love you. I only want what is best for you and myself; and to fulfill a desire that began when we first met, I must marry you. Will you not love me too when I offer you everything, though I have nothing?”


And I will stare into his eyes until I am hypnotized. Breathless, I will kneel beside him and share in his cup. His eyes will glow with my name and his hands will burn with desire. My chest will fail me and my legs paralyze me. Only my mind will soar at the speed of light and I will know that at once, I MUST accept this man; because, I love him too.


And we will shout with delight and leap for joy! Then with a smile that only angels possess, he will draw me closer to his person and wrap me safely within his arms, knowing that simple is the grandest gift of life. And at that moment, before the “I do’s”, before the houses and paradise islands and children, before the chaos of everyday life,


We will know that we are together in a way more than wholly. He will embrace me physically, yes. But he will wrap himself all around my mind until there is no life outside of his arms. He will hold me so close the heart I feel will be his and his mine. We will rest holding each other until the break of dawn and know that everything will be alright, as long as we always and forever for an eternity remain unconditionally and steadfastly, Mr. and Mrs. Happily Ever After….


Because I love you
Your faithful waiting maiden