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Late or Not
The bell rang. Everyone rushed out of the classes, pushing those ahead of them. In such a small school with hardly any open space it was hard not bump into anyone. It pretty much became a routine after every class period. At first, it got to your last nerve but sooner or later you got adapted to the crowded environment.
Luckily, the bell signaled school was over. The thought of boarding the bus and going home always felt good. But this time I didn’t enjoy it as much. Something inside my mind was troubling me. It had me conceiving the last two periods without a reliable answer. The more I thought of it the harder it became to comprehend every detail and piece of information I had in my hands.
Earlier, I headed towards my English class still with the taste of food clenched in my teeth. Fatigue slowly took over my body and I practically dragged myself across the hall.
Suddenly, an unexpected question rang to my ears. Do you have a boyfriend? Of course not, I answered. To me it didn’t matter but apparently to someone it did. Yet, the person’s identity was not revealed to me. It quickly transformed itself to an immense torture. Even more, I couldn’t accept the fact of having a SECRET ADMIRER in this school. This place never seemed the right one to find love. Nevertheless, someone discovered that feeling in me.
I kept walking, searching the person whose gaze would meet mine. As much as I looked around I couldn’t find him. Disappointment filled me and I began to think of it as a cruel joke. A sudden tap on my shoulder startled me. I turned sharply to find a sweet smile spread across a good-looking guy’s face. Back then, I noticed him and considered him very attractive. To capture his attention seemed too impossible. Occasionally, I found myself staring at him. But it didn’t matter much.
He was still standing there despite the crowd of people walking around us. Time stopped. I found myself captured in his eyes. He saluted me. But I didn’t respond. Everything became a blur. My thoughts stopped floating in my mind. I felt dizzy just by the sight of him. He couldn’t be causing all of this in one single moment. Then, I feared him. I feared the dominating power he had towards me. I felt scared.
He waited for me to respond. After a while, he sensed an indifference I had towards him. The encouraging smile vanished. The world came at a clear view after he reluctantly walked away. I met up with a friend still recovering from the awkward greeting. Without wasting a second, I asked him his name. He told me and I kept the name in a special place. We squeezed through the halls silently. Who that mysterious guy was remained a mystery. Why did he talk to me? In the first place, I didn’t even know him. He and I shared nothing in common. What was the point in all this?
Then, it hit me. He had been the one behind everything. He was the SECRET ADMIRER who troubled me half a day. Now, he probably thought of me as one who rejected him without granting him a single chance. It felt awful to act stupid in front of him. He probably thought of me as a fool. But I wasn’t the type to talk to a random guy and act like I knew him forever. Apparently, he got the wrong impression about me. Yet, urgency within me wanted me to talk to him. I wanted to hear what he said and thought. I wanted to have a real conversation with him. But I blew off the chance.
The next two weeks, I floated around with thoughts of him and that sweet smile. That afternoon after Spanish replayed every moment a chance showed up. The entire way I saw an ordinary school day changed with a sweet smile. My heart thumped wildly, my cheeks flushed, every time I encountered him in the halls. However, as much as I attempted to hold his stare with mine it never happened. Somehow, he always held his face down, not being able to speak at me or throw me one of his enchanting smiles. It kind of hurt to not have him speak to me. Even more, why didn’t he try to say something when he had interest in me? Or was it that he had lost any desire towards me. I shooed away that dangerous thought.
One day at lunch, the same girl who had asked me about a boyfriend curiously asked me what had happened. Obviously, she knew but had interest in what I thought about all this. I told her how nothing really took place because I was too stupid to realize who he was. She smiled and left to share her information with him. With the loud voice she had it was easy to overhear her tell him to hug me. It didn’t take a lot of knowledge to see how shy he was and I knew not to expect anything big from him.
My days went regularly, with not much happening between him and me. Slowly, I began losing hope with him. Either he didn’t have the courage to make a move or he gave up too soon. Well, it’s not like I went out with a guy because he wanted to. I didn’t work that way and I wasn’t planning to either. Not for him. Therefore, I assumed I had to go back to my normal life and pretend there was nothing different. The routine I adapted to worked to take off the thoughts of him.
Finally, one day as I headed towards the bus, I heard someone call from a distance. At first, I thought my imagination was only playing a trick on me. Therefore, I didn’t bother to turn around. Once again, I heard it again. This time, I turned around. Not a lot of people stood around since most of them had already boarded the bus home. Then, I caught a glimpse of him. He was staring at me directly without facing down for the first time in those two weeks. I met his gaze, frozen and unable to move from where I stood. He captivated me from that instance and my thoughts blurred around me. I tried to look cool about all this even though I died to know what he called me for.
He breathed in and out. A drop of sweat strolled down his face. He shifted nervously and with a lot of effort he looked up to me. “I…I…I wan…wanted…t…o,” he stuttered nervously. “I wanted to ask you if maybe…maybe…if you wanted…to…to go with me to the dance…and if you possibly wanted to let me have your…your. It’s not like you have to. It’ll probably seem a little weird to you.”
A bit of frustration caused by his stuttering overcame me. Such a hot guy with difficulties speaking seemed so preposterous. But it also looked so cute. It made you want to hug him. “I’ll think about it. And go ahead. Ask me. If you need something just tell me unless it’s something really crazy.” I smiled trying to calm his nerves down.
“What’s your complete name?” he blurted.
I told him with a little hesitation, looking him with an eye. Afterwards, I left.
The next day, I decided to talk to him, not caring about anything in the way anymore. I stood in my locker getting a binder and spotted him walking near me. It seemed oddly strange because I doubted his class being anywhere near mine. I caught hold of him. The fact took him by surprise. Having a real conversation with him felt nice and made you want to continue. It was probably the first conversation we had but it felt like we had known each other for a long time. We went on talking about all kinds of stuff, from the future and careers to love. He dropped me off at my class and like I had predicted his class was a couple of hallways down.
He talked to me every time he had a chance. I didn’t consider him annoying at any time. As I got to know him more, I discovered his good sense of humor. We got to know each other more as time passed and he wasn’t shy anymore. People talked about us frequently and it was pretty obvious but I didn’t care much. The only words that bothered me were my friend’s. If it had been someone else I wouldn’t have mind them. She had said he was a real jerk and I guess I should have known that. I had seen him earlier with another girl but didn’t care much. Yet, as I thought of it more, I began to wonder why he had lasted so short with her. Numerous things pointed negatively at him and the way I saw him changed. I treated him badly and he seemed to notice. People talked about it too and said I was only playing with him. The reality was the opposite but no one realized that.
Then, came the day when he stopped talking to me. Even more, he was with another girl. The news hit me hard. I didn’t know how to react. It felt awful to have him go away. I knew since that moment that I would not talk to him anymore and nor him to me. He didn’t seem to notice the heart he had broken. To him, I had just played with his feelings and it was not worth attempting anymore. He never knew I loved him. Maybe it was better not for him to know. I couldn’t help thinking if things worked differently if I had confessed to him. Yet, the breaking of a relationship could have hurt too much. I didn’t want a taste of that feeling.
Time has flown by and his memory is still with me. I haven’t been able to find a way to get him out of me. I tried conceiving time was the cure but the only thing I was doing was lying to myself. The only nice thing to know was that I’m probably the only girl he never had a relationship with. The fact pleases me. He probably thinks I never corresponded to his feelings. However, he doesn’t know either that I’m thinking about him even though he already forgot about me.