Love. Love, quiet but comforting. Love, lethal but electrifying. I found it. As I stare at the falling rain, cascading over the cityscape in the distance, I realize that I had found it. Rolling a smooth blue pill between my thumb and pointer finger, I think back to that one night, maybe more than I should. 

 I was walking down the barren streets of the city alone, contemplating letting go of life. I walked with my eyes closed, imagining that the blinding light that reflected the tall buildings all around was splitting each molecule in my body, pretending that the maroon hue that shone behind my eyes was covering me, like a blanket of darkness. I imagined that all the despair and sorrow was being sucked out of me, as if it never existed, that my soul itself was being sucked out of me, as if it never existed. As if I never existed. At that moment I thought: maybe this wouldn't be a bad thing. This was the universe finally allowing me to reach peace, because it knew damn well I didn't get enough of that when I was alive. I continued walking absent-mindedly, until suddenly, I ran into a hard wall of flesh. Next thing I knew, I was laying with my back on the ground. Blue pills scattered from my clenched fingers. I rubbed the side of my head and slowly looked up. Standing in front of me was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Your deep brown eyes pierced into mine, and I found myself unable to look away. In a swift motion, you ran your hand through your seemingly soft hair. That was the very first time I fell for you. 

You extended your hand, and I took it. It was warm. “Are you alright?” The words rolled off your tongue like waves crashing into sand. I was mesmerized by its melodic highs and lows. You pulled me up, not breaking eye contact for even a second. 

“Bourbon.” I whispered, without thinking. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“Bourbon,” I repeated, a little louder this time. “Your eyes remind me of bourbon.” 

“Bourbon?” Your eyes crinkled into a smile. “Like the drink?”

I nodded, still staring into your eyes. Your hand was still intertwined with mine. I was used to recoiling when touched, but this felt different. My fingers fit the spaces between yours, as if they were created solely for that reason. I never wanted to let go of you. 

“I’ve never had that before,” Letting go of my hand, you swung your arms back and placed your hands into the back pockets of your corduroy pants.

“Yeah? I was just walking to The White Horse,” I lied. “Why don't you come with me and see what you’re missing out on?” 

“Why not?” You said, without hesitation. Taking my hand again, you spun on your heel so that our shoulders touched. Pulling me along, we walked to the empty bar together. I can remember that night like it was yesterday. After a few drinks, you yanked me onto the dance floor of the bar and we danced like there was no one watching. Although we had just met, it seemed as if I’d known you my whole life. It's a funny thing, the way that works. It’s not something that words can encapsulate. One minute, we were strangers, and the next I saw forever in your eyes. I may have been naive for thinking that, but I didn’t care anymore. That same evening, we stumbled back onto the street, and under the dim street lights you pulled me into a kiss. That was the second time I fell for you. 

From that day on, we spent every waking minute together. The voices around me murmured that I was a fool and too young to know what love meant. But I didn’t care. I know what love means. It means learning to find the whisper hidden in the world of noise. It means exchanging smiles and sharing laughs. It means promising eternity together. It meant you. 

Do you remember that one blurry August night? We were lying on my bed, bathed in the purple glow of twilight. My head was resting on your chest, and your hands were brushing through my hair. Over and over, I traced my initials and watched them disappear on your skin.

“There has to be someone out there better than me,” you said, suddenly. 

“Well, I wouldn't know,” I responded, as I traced a heart over our initials. 

“Why not?” 

“I don't really care enough to look. You're enough for me.” 

“What if, one day, I’m not?” 

“One day?” I rested on my elbows to look at you. 

“You know, when you get bored,” you mumbled under your breath. 

“You'll never bore me.” I cupped your face in my hands. “I could listen to you talk for hours.” 

“What if, one day, I run out of things to say?” 

“Then I'll sit in silence with you.” 

I watched your face change. That slight smile that was always present on your lips slowly began to fade. 

“I love you,” you said, almost expressionless. Why did I not believe you? Everything about this, about us, was perfect. Too perfect. 

“I love you too.” I smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear. I was just overthinking. Right? 

Perhaps my fate was destined for misfortune from the very beginning. Perhaps loneliness was inevitable after all. Perhaps I was a fool. The very next week, I had lain next to you in the field behind my house, so close that I could hear the steady flutter of your heart, I felt more alone than I ever had in my life. I sat up and turned to you.

 “What’s wrong, love?” you asked, tilting your head, almost mockingly. And at that moment, I knew it. You knew it. I stood up quickly and backed away. You rose slowly, inching towards me, but your footsteps made no indent in the grass. Without warning, you wrapped your arms around me. I should’ve felt safe. I should’ve felt comforted. But I didn't. I knew it. You knew it. Still, I hugged you tight, I wasn’t ready to let go of you. I never wanted to let go of you. 

You pulled away from me, and took a step back. The gentle tears that had begun to form slowly began to spill out of my eyes. They turned into a tsunami of sobs that drowned out all the whispers in the world of noise. Did those exchanged smiles and shared laughs mean nothing to you? Did I mean nothing to you? How could you not love me anymore? I did everything right. I asked myself these questions over and over again in my head. 

Then it hit me when I heard the familiar rattle of pills in my pocket. This time when I looked up, you were gone, and the only footprints on the soft dirt were mine. How stupid could I be to not realize it before?  I fell in love with the person I wanted to believe you were. I was wrapped up in the illusion of love. 

Love. Love, sick but sweet. Love, treacherous but addicting. I’ve lost it. Now I'm here, staring at the falling rain, realizing I’ve lost it. I stare over the rooftop ledge at the cityscape all around me. At the end of the day, I find myself alone. Alone, with only my fabricated memories to live through for comfort. I am a glass, shattered by an invisible stone. I walked along the ledge, emptying the bottle of pills. Inhaling deeply, I took one last look at the city before leaning my body forward into the emptiness. And that, my love, was the very last time I fell for you.