I can't look at the stars anymore. You ruined them for me. You ruined them because we were looking at the stars that night. Shivering. We were the only two left by the fire. Now I know why you stayed out even though you couldn't stop yawning. All of our other friends had long gone to bed but you claimed you weren't tired. As for why I stayed out so late that night, I don't know, but I liked being with you. I liked when we held hands to tease our friends who thought we were together. I liked when I got sleepy and moved closer so I could rest my head on your shoulder and you put your arms around me. I liked hearing our footsteps pound on the asphalt as we ran back towards the fire because it was that cold. 

Our necks bent backwards as you tried to point out the Big Dipper. I almost fell over spinning around searching for it and we laughed. Then the laughs faded. You looked at me. I was staring into the fire but I could feel your eyes on me. I wish I knew what you were thinking. Was it “she’s so pretty” or “I’m so nervous” or “I like her so much”. I don’t know. The crazy thing is that I think I knew it was gonna happen. My heart started racing and I got this feeling in my gut telling me “you better be ready”. I'd only had that feeling once before. It was right before my drunken first kiss at the prom after party. So I should have known what was coming. 

Even then I wasn’t prepared when you turned my face towards yours, so gently. And that should have been it. Our lips would have met. The question I had been asking myself for five years, answered. 

But when you leaned in I pulled back. All of a sudden it was too cold and you were too tired to stay up anymore and connect the dots of the constellations. You walked me to my cabin then left. I wish I knew what you were thinking as you walked up the hill to your cabin that night. Was it “she’s not even that pretty” or “I’m so embarrassed” or “whatever, I don’t even like her”. I don’t know. All I know is that I hated myself for weeks. I missed you for months. And I'll curse the stars forever.