Demented

My life has been a nightmare so far….   when everything is going perfectly, I don’t know what comes over me, but this anger swallows me whole. These emotions drive me to a state of chaos…. to the point where I can’t control myself. I can’t help but have these  gruesome images run through my mind about the person whom I want to erase from the face of the earth. I know that this is wrong…. A part of me knows that this anger can be a problem….but instead I  just look for cunning  ways to kill him…. …

My mind is a strange beast. There can only be one master - Either me, or it. This is something that i'm still struggling with,but as of now, my mind determines my behaviour and  physical actions….. All I know is the battle is not over…..yet.

It happened a while ago, I don't know why I still hold a grudge against him, but the incident had had a huge impact on my life. I had stopped trusting humans. He betrayed me. Never in my life had I expected the one person that I had trusted the most ,to use me the way he did. I could never look at the world the way I had before.

Back when I was fifteen, I slowly began to realize that I had a problem. Whether it was someone playfully teasing me, or intentionally bullying me, I  had to harm them someway or the other. or my mind wouldn't rest. It was what I called “revenge”. I tried all sorts of things to control my anger, but none of them seemed to work….. The strange aspect of my “condition” was that I knew all along that what I was doing was wrong, yet, some how I just couldn’t control myself.

Students at my school had the impression  that I was “weird.” Up until the tenth grade, I had no one to express my feelings to, I was all alone- all of my emotions just kept piling up. My own mother thought that I was a strange kid , which I was, but I hadn’t  realized it.

When eleventh grade rolled around, I expected it to be just like all the other years…. dreadful and horrid, but I was wrong. A new student had come to this graveyard of a place, his name was Mark. There was something different about him. I couldn't figure out  what, but it made me want to get to know him. The entire day i tried to build up the courage to introduce myself to him, but I couldn't get myself to. It had been years since I tried to “socialize”. I couldn't talk to people unless I had to.

I sat alone at lunch, disappointed in myself. To distract myself from doing something that I might regret in the future, I decided to listen to music when Mark walked in my direction. I expected him to pass by, but to my surprise, he sat at my table and introduced himself. We conversed for hours together about poetry and sc-fi books. He treated me like a “equal”, something I hadn’t experienced before. The fact that he had come up to me had brought my hopes up for a different school year.
Mark turned out to be my absolute best friend for next three years. He was the kind of friend I could trust my life with. Each and every year I had  thought about telling him about my “problem” ,but I always decided against it. Until a day came when I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I told him everything, all the horrible actions I had committed against my classmates and all the gruesome  thoughts that came to mind when I thought about them. Instantly though, I regretted my foolish decision. I could see the fear in his eyes, and the realization that he had been spending time with a monster was slowly sinking in. I could tell that he was no longer my friend. He was now afraid of me.

Now that I think about it, I couldn't blame him. It  hadn't occurred to me  then, but when he left me all I could think about was how foolish I was to trust anybody. The anger that had engulfed me was beyond explanation. I knew that it wasn’t his fault, but I had to hurt him. Hurt him in the worst way possible.

Before Mark left, he had filed a complaint against me. The police had come to my house with a warrant and began investigating my house. They had even called me in for testing ,and as it turned out, there was something wrong with me. Even then, I couldn't care less that I had to spend the next three years of my life in a mental institution, my main priority at this point was to hurt Mark.

I was allowed to leave the mental institution about a month ago. I dont know what happened half the time in the institution. They had put me on several different kinds of drugs, and it affected my thinking process. I could still feel the rage I had for Mark but not to the same degree. I still had to hurt Mark somehow though….

I blacked out. I have no clue what happened…. I figured it was the medication, but when I turned around, I saw a body. I leaned in closer to have a better look and it was Mark…. and in my hand was a knife with blood dripping off of it. I think he is dead

I dont think I killed him though, the anger hasn’t gone yet, but I have no memory of the incident… I don't know what happened….

You may never know when I might be planning to harm you, and sometimes, neither do I. I am not human, at least I don’t think I am. I am very different…and in this day and age, I have to pay for it.