When Jane woke up, she decided to go swim and lie in the sun. Maybe she could get clear, glossy, tan skin like in all of the movies she watched. Her best friend, Ana, came with her. They sat down in the glistening California sunlight. Jane put her towel down in the grass, Ana copied her. They both laid down, and began to fall asleep. The sun felt good on Jane's skin. It made her feel happy, like God was shining a spotlight on her, only her. Suddenly, she began to feel sick. The sun was making her feel as if she was falling. The long, shaggy grass felt like sharp needles against her skin. She could feel them prick her all over her body. It was so real that she could nearly feel the blood gushing out from every side of her. She hadn't eaten anything all day, it wasn't like she could. She started to sense the familiar spinning feeling. Her eyes were closing, and the world was getting blurry. She had to get up before she fainted again. Neither Ana nor Jane had spoken a word to each other at that point.



Jane stood up to go back home, but her movements were slow and clumsy. She desperately tried to walk away. In her hazy state, she heard Ana. Ana was yelling at her, pointing out her every flaw. Jane felt as if she was surrounded by people, all of them screaming and pushing her. But there was only Ana. She felt the sun on the top of her head. The spotlight had turned into pressure, a warm pressure desperately trying to sink her into a grave. The trees around her were rushing at a great speed to crush her. The world around her was so confusing, so noisy. So tiring. She felt so weak. So weak. So weak. And then she heard the words, those words.



“You're fat”.


It was so silent all of a sudden. The world that had wanted to destroy her ceased to exist. Everything stopped moving. Jane couldn't breath. But Ana interrupted the silence. As Jane felt the warm feeling in the corner of her eye, she ran away. She had never ran so fast. As she was running, she heard Ana's echoing words. And even though she was far away, she could hear Ana's shrill voice consuming her. She could heard her point out her every flaw, her arms, her legs, her stomach, everything.



She ran into her house, and locked herself in her bathroom. As she heard the lock, she saw herself in the mirror. She looked ugly as f***. Her fake, blond hair was tangled and disgustingly dirty. The mascara that she had put on to hide her light, small eyelashes was now smudged all over her cheeks. Her freckles were emphasized by the bathroom lighting. She felt ugly, worthless. She couldn't blame the people for hurting her in the past, look at her. She didn't have a flat stomach, a thigh gap or outstanding cheekbones. Nothing that mattered. She wanted to shower, so she took off her bathing suit. But she began to feel weak again. She lied down onto the cold floor. The floor felt like ice against her naked skin. As she was lying down, she studied her body in the full length mirror. Every imperfection seemed to stand out, they were the only things she saw.



Jane felt empty inside. The only thing that she could hear were Ana's words going through her mind over and over again, a broken record that wouldn't stop. She was called fat by her best friend. It wasn't some stranger, it was Ana. Ana. The girl that meant so much to her. As she lied there broken on the floor, she remembered the night that Ana and her had become best friends. The night that Ana promised to help her. Ana was perfect, and Jane was so jealous. Staring at herself in the mirror, it was so clear to Jane why Ana had said those things, why she had been what seemed so mean. But it wasn't mean, it was honest. Jane was fat, ugly, and boring. Ana was just trying to look out for her. She was her only true friend, the only one who cared enough to say anything. And as she laid on the floor, she felt as if she would never move again. She cried until she felt like she had nothing left in her body. Maybe the excessive water loss would make her lose weight.



Jane heard a knock on the door. It was her mother.
-”Honey, are you ok? You've been in there an awful long time.”
-”I'm fine. Go away.”
-”Are you sure?”
-”Yes! Just go away!”
And she did. Nobody else had checked on her for over two hours.


Jane showered. She felt the warm water on her skin, and it made her feel ok. The warm water washed off all of her tears and her worries that both fell into the drain to be sucked into darkness. She put her face, her disgusting face, under the shower. It felt so nice. There were no more tears on her face. As she washed herself, it became clear to her what she was to do. She finished showering, walked out, felt the fuzzy, cold bath mat in between her toes and saw her reflection once again. This time, she looked at it in a different way. She looked at it the way that Ana would want her to look at it. It was so clear what she needed to do. She dried herself, and went downstairs.


When she got to the kitchen, she opened the fridge, and she was welcomed by the wonderful light insight, inviting her to grab food. When she had eaten a pot of ice cream, a frozen hamburger and the left over pizza, the hunger subsided. The hunger that had been consuming her turned into a horrible feeling of guilt, a liquid trail of shame building inside of her. She felt the food inside of her beginning to digest, turn into the flabby fat on her thighs, cheeks, stomach and arms. Her skin was expanding. Had her thighs been that big in the morning? She couldn't see. The fat on her cheeks made her squint. Ana. The picture of her best friend Ana was in her head, welcoming her to act. She heard the voice: “You are weak, if you had really tried to lose weight, you would be thin. You are fat, disgusting. Who would want to be friends with you?”. Jane managed to get onto her feet, but she fell back down because her legs weren't strong enough to support all of the fat on her upper body. Eventually, she gathered her strength and went back to her bathroom.

She kneeled down like she usually did. The ice cold floor felt terrible on her knees, but it was familiar. She tied her wet hair into a messy ponytail.

When she put her fingers down her throat, she made sure to be as quiet as she could.



Side note: Most anorexics and bulimics follow an online program, pro-anorexia sites. These sites assume that anorexia is a gift, something that a girl has to thrive for, and feel lucky to have. Supposedly, they are written by anorexia. Anorexia takes the form of a person, a skinny, beautiful girl who encourages others to starve and shares her “tips”. Her nickname is Ana, the sites are called “Pro-Ana”.