My heart aches. Aches with a steady, uncontrollable suffering. With each beat, I feel myself sinking lower and lower into the depths of the earth.
I struggle miserably to stay on my feet. I wish desperately for something to support me, for some rail to grab hold of, lest I should fall into the dark abyss beneath me forever.
I can feel myself slipping. Slipping ever so slowly from the oh-so-solid earth. My faith is quickly fading. Hope has long since vanished. And love, well that's what put me in this mess in the first place.
I can bear this pain no longer. The entire world lies before me yet I see no comfort offered by it. I see an endless circle of despair and agony. I try to run, run as far away possible from this life I know, but I always end where I start. The crossroads between life and death.
By this point, my exhausted and weary body succumbs to some sort of nothingness, and all I feel is the steady aching and tearing of my soul. Like each bit is being slowly torn off and then shredded to a million pieces, making it impossible to put back together again. Making my heart unrecognizable.
I see no possible way to repair this. No way to pick up the pieces of the shattered life I am afraid and ashamed to call mine. No instructions exist on how to build, or rebuild, a heart. Some people have managed to rise up from this, but I can't heal my broken heart. My scars go too deep, the pain and suffering are too great for me to have the strength needed for life, much less to fix one.
So where do I go from here? Which path to take? Or rather, do I take the only path available to me? I have tried and failed to take the road of death, preferring it. But, I know now that road is blocked for me.
Do I start walking into life? Where there is so much agony and persecution it's as if misery completely encompasses you, only to allow a few tiny glimpses of joy and laughter? The road to life holds pain, and as I peer down that long, winding road, I see total darkness. I see no comfort offered to me. I see no helping hand.
And I'm scared. Afraid to take one step closer into the world of the unknown. Scared to live. Scared to not experience happiness.
But, with this as my only option, I suck up all the fear deep inside me, forcing it to hide. I take one step forward.
Then another. And another.